I am desperate to put my thoughts into writing now. Its been a while since I last had an emotional episode from my already planned out life until just a year ago, now I am digging deep into this life-bin of failures and frustrations in an attempt to make sense of what's truly going on with my life.

My life has changed dramatically since a year ago. I was engaged two weeks before I was suppose to leave to UK for work and had the most amazing time of my life day dreaming of "the day" for about 5 months until something major happened.

I got engaged the 14th of January and left my hometown on the 1st of February 2018. It was an all good and happy departure with hopes of making it big one day and becoming the person I so wished I was going to be and happily share my life's joy and failures with the only person I ever had a relationship with. It was a typical apprehensive and anxious parting as the destination is going to be  somewhere I am totally unfamiliar with neither have I imagined myself to be working in. Despite all those negative baggage, a hopeful and dreamy Mel took the risk and proudly tried her luck.

In between those 5 months, I met a few other men and women from all walks of life and seen how my once great dream of becoming more is the same dream with different grit and vigor in the eyes of another dreamy person. I felt small. I felt insignificantly small. My insecurities were shooting up and I felt I needed to prove myself and not loose my sanity in the process. I became a victor in proving my worth though, I was one of the few who passed our nursing licensure exam on their first take and at that time, the exam was extremely tough. But I haven't maintained my performance since then. Days went on at work, I realised this wasn't the type of job I was expecting myself to be working in. It is a care home for children with brain injury. Although our unit is one of the medically inclined unit among all other houses, it still didn't feel home. I feel I am not in my element and I know for myself that when I am not in my element, I sure am not going to grow as a person as I do not have even the slightest intent to become better and to be better. There were days when I attempted but the slightest ounce of disappointment and discouragement had great impacts on me. It felt I was pushing myself so hard into doing something I wasn't completely convinced to do.

Months into the experience, I met a guy who was so appealing to my already dead senses. I found him really interesting as he understood me in a head-level-kind of tone about life and other intangible topics that some would just label as "ka serious ba". I enjoyed having conversations with him and how he seems to be so interested in me despite my already "unavailable" status.

July 2018 came and the traditional "Pamanhikan" in Filipino culture came to happen for my fiance's family and mine. It was happy, exciting and full of hope kind of day as I gathered those who were just close and dear to me to witness that event. It was a success to put it in simple writing and I loved how intimate the occasion was. To my dismay, just 4 days later, I had a huge argument with my Mom only to find out how they actually disprove of the wedding and my soon-to-be husband as he doesn't seem to qualify to their standards and that they felt the wedding was too soon to happen. (Wow, too soon. 8 years running 9, too soon).  I decided then on to leave our house permanently and move in with Jett to forget and move on from what happened but honestly I was so crushed and disappointed at how my parents viewed my worth as their daughter. I was merely an investment to them who should repay them of their money's worth throughout the years they've invested on, me education wise and the like.


I came back to the UK with a heavy heart, at my weakest and distraught of the series of unfortunate events leading hopefully to my happy-ever-after.

True enough, at my weakest I came face to face with my greatest temptation... entertaining into my life the interesting guy I met at work. LIFE CHANGING detour that turned my life 360 degrees. I'll write more of this on my next entry.




Blogged @ 10:02 PM
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