Feeling insecure
04 June, 2013
I'm 23 and I still don't have a life. There are so many things that's happening around but my life has no focus.
I'm broken, ashamed, insecure in almost all levels of my life. Whenever there are reunions, barkada gatherings and simple get togethers, I try to find an excuse not to join. It's not that I don't feel like wanting to join, I really do. Infact, I hunger for people to be around me. The true reason is I try to avoid exposing the nothingness that has been going on with my life.
It's been a year since I left my previous job. Since then, I've jumped from one hospital to another trying to find a job and up to now, I still render my services for free (with them allowed to exploit us), not hired, but taken a sample.
I hate to admit this job insecurity that's going on with my profession. I've been struggling for 2 years already and still nothing has happened. It might be me, yes, but it might also be some circumstances I cannot avoid. I get so insecure whenever I commit mistakes on a shift. I get so ashamed of myself whenever I get corrected. I know these are suppose to happen. It's part of learning, but you see these mistakes are also criterias for them to evaluate me. My mistakes are not big, but they are noticable for the experts. That's when I begin to doubt.
Also, I have all the freedom to choose other profession but I still chose this. My parents above all is the greatest influence why I still try to go through this purgatory like suffering in this profession. I feel really ashamed facing my colleauges asking "aha naman ka karon?". If only it would not be impolite not to answer, I wouldn't blurt out a word. Jokingly, I would say instead "naa sa imong atubangan, ga sturya" just to brush off the awkwardness I feel for such a question.
To be honest, I blame myself for all these things that I go through. I blame myself for agreeing with the demand of my parents to choose nursing as course. I blame myself for beeing so indecisive as to what I really wanted to be. I blame myself, I blame myself.
I blame my parents too for putting me in this situation. If only they listened that I never really wanted this profession in the beginning, we wouldn't all have to suffer like this.We're living in a "isang kahig, isang tuka" like life already since they wanted to go and fly to US. Up to now, even my sister at age 29 still is struggling to find a place in this profession. We both are incapable of providing help financially to pay for the bills and food and other expenses for our household just to keep us going. To keep it simple, we're still dependent financially to our parents.
Few years from now, money will become an issue to our family. Few years from now, all these things we're enjoying will be snatched from us if I still cannot find a way to help provide for this family.
This wouln't happen if only my parents listened to what I wanted. This wouldn't happen if they just let me go through what I wanted to be. This wouldn't happen if they never mocked me for the job I wanted to work on. This wouldn't happen if only, if only they allowed me to what I wanted to be. 4 years in college and 3 years post graduate is to late for a change. Now I suffer for the wrong choices I made just because I never wanted my parents to get disappointed. I hope they realize this is also the result of their doings. I hope they would never mock me again for the nothingness that has been going on with my life. I hope instead they would encourage me to still go through the difficulties in this profession and accept if one day I decide to quit.
I wanted to keep on going in this profession because I wanted one thing: to work abroad in the hope to help them financially as they grow old. I hope and pray that my decision to stay will never go in vain.
Blogged
@ 11:41 AM
Don't let me go -
