1. Kuya
2. HIGH SCHOOL!
3. LC
4. Light-a-tree (ahuhu! kakamis jud ni. *sigh* diba??)
5. GOD (i feel so distant from HIM na. :c)
6. dearest Ogilvians
7. Ogilvie classroom
8. my teachers: most especially moderator.
9. my seat
10. HS canteen
11. all my HS friends and love ones
12. all my dear berchlets (my 1-berchmans class)
13. LC works and pressures
14. school activities to be busy of
15. playing basketball
16. playing tennis, table tennis
17. playing badminton
18. SM
19. SM cinema
20. SM movie seats
21. p.joes
22. moms corner
23. HS food
24. mass
25. prayers
26. retreats
27. LC office

waaahuhuh. i hate this feeling. im not really drepressed or sad. im just pissed that im feeling this. it's like feeling unworthily unhappy. you got that right? ok you don't. Like feeling so delighted and thrilled because something in you reminds you of the happy moments spent with people and your heart just leaps with joy. (oh! i feel it now.) but then, another side of you longs to be in that scene once more. feel it with much passion, much enthusiasm, much exaltation. once more.. just once more.

ahh!! but the heck! errr.. this will never happen again. all i can do is to miss people, entertain the feeling for a while (i like to contemplate on this once in a while too) then let it pass. forcibly or passively.

but above all, WHO WANTS TO WATCH HAPPY FEET WITH ME?? watch tah beh.. :(

Blogged @ 8:27 PM
Don't let me go -

kailangan ko nang kausap. yung tipong maiintindihan ako. yung tipong makakarelate sa'kin. yung makapagbibigay sa'kin ng logical na mga kasagutan at kahit na patuloy akong magtatanong ay patuloy pa rin ang kanyang pagsagot. kailangan ko ng taong makakapagexplain sa'kin kung bakit nangyayari ang mga bagay-bagay. Yung makakapagbigay sa'kin ng haka kung bakit ganito ako magreact sa isang bagay. kailangan ko ng kausap na hindi sasabay sa ihip ng aking emosyon. siya ang magreregulate sa sidhi na nararamdaman ng puso ko. kailangan ko ng kausap na matiyagang makikinig sa'kin kahit na hindi niya ako halos maintindihan ngunit nageexert ng effort makuha ang aking ibig sabihin. kailangan ko ng kausap sa bawat panahong mangangailangan ako. Sa mga panahong may katanungang papasok sa isip ko. sa mga panahong, kahit sarili ko'y hindi ko maintindihan. kailangan ko ng kausap na sa isang tingin lang sa mga mata ko'y nababasa na niya ang lahat nga nais kong sabihin o hindi ko masabi. kailangan ko ng kausap sa bawat patak ng aking mga luha, sa pagkirot ng aking puso, at sa pagkahalo-halo ng aking isip. kailangan ko nga kausap na makakapagpalimot sa'kin sa kirot na nararamdaman. kailangan ko nga kausap para sabinhin sa'kin kung ano, para sa kanya ay tama. kailangan ko ng kausap na may isip na mas higit pa sa'kin para mas malawak ang kanyang makita. kailangan ko ng kausap na hindi kailangan din ng kausap. gusto ko, "stable" siya at ok physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally. kailangan ko ng kausap upang maintindihan ko ng lubos ang sarili ko, at hindi yung mas makakagulo sa isip ko. gusto ko ng kausap na may paninindigan sa kanyang persepsyon tungkol sa buhay. nangangailangan ako ng kausap na makakapagpakita sa'kin sa mga kamaliang nagawa ko, sa mga bagay na ako'y pilit nakikisiksik, sa mga bagay na ako'y nagpupumilit na maging bahagi. na once and for all sabihin sa'kin kung ano ba ang nararapat kong gawin. higit s lahat, KAILANGAN ko ng kausap na magsisilbing karamay ko sa mga panahong feeling ko walang gustong umupo, makinig at makipag-usap sa akin.

even though i appear as if i understand everything, that i provide reasons for certainties and uncertainties, i too feel the need to question myself, my existence, my emotions, my dreams, my god, my purpose. in this limitless questioning journey, i often get tired of talking to my soul all alone, sometimes i create the urge to talk to another soul, but i am afraid that soul won't understand me, or that he will find me odd, or mystifying or mind bugling or even worthless and nonsense. i need someone to talk to... how ironic. in this world of 6.2 billion people, i can't find a single soul who will stay and be my listener. i only got myself.. but it's all so unreliable. tiring quest... indeed.

KAUSAPIN MO AKO.


***************
i wont be using my fone that often from now on. i only reply to conversation texts only if i am unlimited or if i feel like replying but now, im strickly imposing the zero balance decree. (haha. whatever!) so don't be surprised if i will be silent for a long time... and.. zzzzz.... long time. you can however drop by messages here or email me if you want. thank you.
Blogged @ 9:56 PM
Don't let me go -

(sweet sixteen on November 16! hehe.)

and, eeekk!! i remember how i used to love this when i was a kid. haha. and i still love it!

Blogged @ 8:00 AM
Don't let me go -

What is care? why do we feel care? why do wee need to care? why can't we escape care? can someone care?

from the time i felt the world was not all about me and that i still have other people to consider upon making a move, a decision, or uttering a word, i make it a point to think what would be its effect to them? it pains me if i pain them. i get hurt when i see them hurt. more surely if it was because of me.

but sometimes, i get tired you know. people don't seem to know i care. people don't seem to see i get hurt. it's as if i don't exist, i don't experience pain.

you don't know but you hurt me deeply. i just don't show it, because i am afraid, my hurting will hurt you too. i care too much about you... and id continue to sacrifice if it means keeping you longer. but, i'm a human being. i have feelings and i do give up.

this idea just popped:

why is it that everytime i recite, others don't seem to get my point though i may think its the brilliant answer i could think of, NO ONE really sees it. And when someone delivers his piece, EVERYONE jumps inot hale as if they've heard the answer to all their questions. charisma? PATHETIC!

when i am serious at a particulart thing, they take me as a joke. and when i joke, they take me seriously. when will people understand me? when will they get it right? when will i stop understanding? i need patience...

(this may sound specific)

and when I invite my friends, A FEW are only interested and in the end, minus those who dont really care. EVERYONE becomes suddenly busy! but when someone does the same thing, inviting, they support her and they all become mysteriously idle that they come in and join.

when i get hurt, no one really notices or no one cares. a passive response i see in their eyes. i see in their eyes the lines, "it's going to be alright, she'll be okay soon" sh*t!! my pain is not worth one line!! and being ok is not as easy as saying 'she'll be ok'!!! people see me as jolly, bubbly and smiley... but deep inside, in my heart a river i have cried. it's more painful because i hide my pain. i don't show it. i dont even dare making others feel it. maybe it's because im good at pretending. and im afraid that oneday, this phony game will become natural of me that i won't see the difference between being real and pretending. but they are my friends... they should hear what i am not trying to say.

i thought watching movies alone will never happen again when i've got friends to be with. i thought wrong.

often times, i wish to suddenly be gone. disappear. perhaps, this will be the time i will see my worth. or if i do have worth.

im tired of caring because i don't get it in return. im tired of caring because others dont seem to care i care. im tired of caring because i always have to understand. im tired of caring because often times it's unrequited. im tired of caring because i have given so much, not much is left. and you know what's worse? Caring becomes more tiring when i feel it never made a difference.
Blogged @ 8:14 PM
Don't let me go -

Hawak ko lamang ang magagandang ala-ala mula sa pagkabata,

Na sa pagtanda'y unti-unti ko nang nakakalimutan, o pilit na kinakalimutan.

"Bakit?", ang siyang tanong...

Sa kadahilanang KAILANGAN ko itong iwanan.

Sa pag-iisa't pagkabigo, puso'y naghihingalo.

Na siyang tanging karamay ng kaluluwang patanong na palutang-lutang,

Sa hanging katutuhana'y pilit itinatago.

Minsan, sa aking pagkapuno, maliliit na bagay sa aking mga mata'y nakatago.

At kinakailangan huminto...hinto. pagmasdan. tingnan.

Ngunit sa huli'y nag-iisa pa rin...

Ako'y iniwanan...

Stacy Sullivan - At The Beginning

Music Code provided by Song2Play.Com

Blogged @ 8:40 PM
Don't let me go -

i want to say THANK YOU to jomi for buying me this really cute ATENEO BALLER. ghad! since i've heard of this ATENEO baller thing, i was so dying to have one but no one really cared to share their blessings (hehehe) excepet for JOMI. thank you jom!! *big hug*



and for this... those who helped me raise 35 tickets at quatum, THANK YOU! (ed,beki,ernie,lao,maki..etc. kalimot nako,hehe)


balbala ka! i will miss you! hehe. i love our pic here.. lovely jud tah! haha! mwaaahh!! ingatz always!


haha. this one's really weird. after watching the movie "step up" we then went outside the movie house to wait for ernie to arrive. yeah, alright he was there but i don't know but it took us a long time to actually move! hehe. crazy and exuberant as we are, we took pix of ourselves imitating the movie posters...and here was our version of "step up". pretty crazy, right? :P
and last, but definitely not the least.. i want to THANK ALL OF YOU GUYS! (sayang.. kulang si sistah beki diri) THANK YOU for making my sembreak FUNtastic! hehe. i extremely had a blast with you! every single split of a second spent with you's like a bliss. heaven. thank you!!i also want to thank my ever dearest computer for all the company she gave me during the break... the internet, the chat, the photoshop, the videos, the music, everything!! hehe. and those... my textmates especially my kuya (ahem! very naughty keow tah! hehe) thank you for filling in the vacuum both in my mind and heart. you slower down the pace of my continuing perplexed mind and doubtful soul. thanks a bunch!! *big hug* THANK YOU!!!!
Blogged @ 1:03 AM
Don't let me go -

yeah.. perhaps everything now seems to be too complicated for me to comprehend, understand, and convey..

i don't know, but the reaction and behavior of the people around me (even those who aren't) is soo arduous.. can't get the thing they want!!! ok im talking nonsense here..

first, i want to castigate those who are smart but seem to get not enough:

over the years, i have been with "intelligent" people (especially in xuhs) and i have seen them tower over every single activity they endulge themselves with. first, champion, the best...(the list goes on) these seem to be the only rankings they know in a competition and the rest, second, third, runner-up (the list goes on too) are a rather obvious distinction of "have lost it". i know, it's magis... or it's the ignatian signature or whatever, that we ( i am including myself) are trained for. But it just aggravates me to hear brilliant people complaining over the little mistake or short comings they have brought themselves in. It's appears so ironic on me... they should be, atmost, proud of themselves... one stupid mistake shouldn't ruin everything. it's not as if life consists of dominos. and what's wrong with being the second?... many have tried to reach the top.. don't you think the place is too crammed already? and hey, it's not what you are... it's who you are...

second, those who make themselves important:

these kind of people are the most that stir my mind so much! yes, i undertand that every single being needs to be loved, cared or what, pampered? so it is, but they don't have to make themselves appear so important that they allege themselves, they lack love, care and comfort.. ugh! There are many who never felt they were loved, cared and pampered and have rot themselves 6 feet under! The least these egocentric people could ask is JUST ENOUGH... and whatever excess they've received, they must SHARE IT WITH OTHERS. There are those who needs their arrogant and greedy call for such much more, and they are the ones deserving to call, "i am important." they have, atleast, the right to feel important even for JUST ONCE.


and personal call:

so much things i have come to think over the break. and if the break goes on.. i might end up crazy. Deep thinking...ugh! comes with a deepening realization. and every single realization brings me to a more perplexed state. i wonder, i ask y... but there's no one to answer my cry for reasons.. tisk. im glad the break is about to end... not many thoughts (from out of the blue) now can enter my mind. I will be busy.. yes, i would love that.

"the way to calm yourself over one thougt is to think of another" (i just made this up.hehe)

but perhaps the next thought should be atleast less complicated. hehe.

********

still not done reading. ugh! procastination!!! ^_^
Blogged @ 7:57 AM
Don't let me go -