I changed my mind, I do love him. ♥

I skip for the now the story of the hows and whens.. in time, I'll come to that. What just tickles me to blog this certain event in my life is the uncertainty I have found myself into. I always tell him, "it wasn't me who decided to make things happen. It just did and it wasn't as if I really thought hard on this." If I were in his shoes, I would take it as something as "you were forced to decide because the world and things around you are already in place and your decision is just what it takes to settle things"

I don't know if I should be telling this, nor should I immortalize this unfavorable emotion of doubt. But I would want to expel these unreasonable reasons of fear and "ungratefulness" to this blog entry.

Suddenly I feel scared of my decision.. knowing our situation, I fear I would bring harm instead of love to this fragile being. I fear a lot of things that might come our way... I fear the uncertainty and inconsistency now that I am with another being who has a mind and function of its own. It pains me to think that I never really felt the "want" or "desire" to love this being... but instead learned it through his alluring perseverance. I just felt I was unfair, that I had to somehow pay him back by trying to love him.

But I am not telling you I do not love him, nor am I telling you I love him. All I know is I am trying my best to show him love, to express my love. I don't know if it makes sense that a person could show love to the one to whom he/she doesn't have the "loving intent."

Is this wrong? is this being unfair to him? to me? I don't know. All I know is I have allowed myself to enter into this kind of world and I fear the uncertainty of things... all the more, I fear to bring harm knowing how stone hearted I am. :c

But what else can I ask for? He was right there for me when I needed someone to ease my pain. He was right there when I had no one else to talk to... he was there willing to listen and feel my pain. He was right there even if I threw him out of my life... he was still there when I closed my doors and turned my back on him. Above all, through the pain and sorrow... no matter how hurtful the words I spoke, he welcomed me back without hesitation or doubt. Now tell me, does this man deserve another pain? another stabbing words from me? I can't afford to do him harm no more.

But instead of being brave to show him my love, I get scared instead: scared of what I might do to him when the moment comes when I no longer have the "love". At this moment, I really want to back out while things are just as young as a week, when the commitment is still fragile and weak. But no, I can't do this too.. not now, not when he has his hopes up and his love so engulfed.

What really keeps me going is his love for me... I draw my love from his love. Sadly, my love isn't self sustaining really. :c And when the moment comes when his fire burns out, there'd be no more spark left in me too.

4 years ago, I promised my ku¥a to be part of his thanksgiving mass as the first reader. He was still a regent by the time I made that promise. At some point, I did believe that he will make it. I felt the outburst of spirit he had to continue his mission in following Christ and the feeling failed me not. Seeing him presiding that mass and hearing his voice actually saying "Through Him, with Him and in Him..." for which I correlated the very lines to priesthood gave a sudden gush of joy and excitement in me. I felt very proud and honored to have shared not only a year in his presence but the journey he went through and how he brought love and fire from every individual he encountered.

I wondered many years ago whether anybody else felt special in his presence ... then during his homily, he said someone asked him how did he do it? because that someone also felt special in his presence and she discovered her friends also felt the same. Which means, I am not the only one. Which also means, I am not the only heart and soul that he moved. I just wonder how many hearts and souls he has changed or inspired as he passed by in their lives. Does he ever realize it? He must really be one heck of a priest to make countless individuals feel special in his presence. No ordinary man could ever do this.

All I know is that "specialness" we felt came from a beautiful act of love. The friendship he shared was pure, honest and sincere. The act of kindness he radiated to each and every one came out naturally from him, as if he was made to do it. The passion and dedication he held in fulfilling his mission and even in projects he wanted to achieve was as feisty as a baby eager to walk! I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this way...

And so to the love he was talking to me... My dearest ku¥a, you showed me how. I know it was there but you made it stronger. You nurtured it even without you knowing simply because you were exuding the very model of it. This love I have now will surely be my guide to find and spread my mission. Thank you, ku¥a!

P.S. I'm sorry I failed my promise to be the first reader, but I did dance on your thanksgiving. I hope it compensates. :D