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WHY?

21 March, 2013



I've always wondered why my  life is so full of despair. I can't think of a moment when my life was just simply happy I need not worry about anything else. 

Ever since I came to existence, my beliefs and the world seem to contradict. I don't know but I just feel that I don't fit in. This was never an issue to me as I was raised to be myself and believe in my potentials, but now that I am already a graduate and the world connotes my identity to the kind of job I am doing, I feel I am a needle in an vast land of hay. 

I don't know and I can't figure out why other people seem to find a way to make life worth living. It seems they don't struggle that much. I truly struggle finding a job that's why I am taking a master's degree so that as time flies, I don't feel like I did not achieve much. But even if the purpose is there, the thought that my parents and the world still equate my worth to the kind of work I have or do not have.

I am nurse in the Philippines but to land a nursing job in this economy is like playing a tag of war. It's not impossible, but it is extremely hard.

I actually had the opportunity but still, I failed. I actually do not know how on earth would I be able to cope on something like this, I never actually failed in my life until now. It hurts so much really ro be just any other option, but I do not complain. 

What hurts more is not the failure but the worth equated to failing. My parents especially my mother had her hopes up on me becoming a nurse , finally. But things turned out so differently and I could not fathom the thought how they would react. 

I feel really frustrated whenever we talk, when my mama tells me how tired she is of pursuing her dreams for us, of how weak she feels that I don't seem to find a great opportunity to sustain my chances of being a nurse. To be honest, all these criticisms and imposed burden on my makes me so guilty.

Guilty that I still don't have job right now and guilty because I could not do much about it. It's like being in a limbo with a lot of frustrations in between. No matter where I go, there's just so much to contain, I feel I could not handle it well. And whenever I do try to find a job that's not nursing related, they would say "you'd be the poorest of your siblings, that kind of job would never sustain you" and other negative things. Of course being so vulnerable as I am, I would really be affected and insecure. My very parents discouraging me because only a nursing job is the acceptable job in the WORLD!!! 

I don't want to end up like my sister who's been so arrogant about her achievement and success despite everything, who feed my mother negative stuff about me and who continues to hate me for what happened. I try to tell myself I am a better version but the frustrations and the burden sometimes get the hang of me and I become insecure again. 

I don't really know what to do anymore. There's just so much frustrations in my life. I could not stand it to be honest but I try to be ok... 

Every phone call with me always end up so bad. I always end up crying and getting frustrated again and again, and again.

When will these end lord? Help me.


Blogged @ 10:34 AM
Don't let me go -

Blessings

15 March, 2013

So here's to my another attempt to post something Positive.

Yesterday was filled with love. Together with my bessy, we celebrated our 34th month together. Another blessing came as I received the long over due payment from my previous boss so we were able to dine in a fancy restaurant. My long time dream to feast in an all seafood and grilled buffet was finally granted (Huray!). My partner in crime isn't allowed to eat seafood so I got to devour them whole while he feasted on the grills. I enjoyed the meal so much, I got tummy ache at dawn.haha

Cheers to more blessings and happy life for me. Thank you heaven!!!


Blogged @ 1:42 PM
Don't let me go -

On mobile

13 March, 2013

Because I personally think that blogger is a so much safer zone to express thy self, I've downloaded this mobile app to attempt to fill this blog with so much more than trashbag of emtions. Hopefully, that I am mobile now, I can update this blog more often. I also wish to make this site be a little lighter to the readers and to me in the future (as I blog watch my own blog) by posting positive things here.

To begin, I'll start with the greatest achievement I've had since the great depression last January: a new shoes! Well, this isn't just an ordinary shoes. You see, I bought it from my own pocket; earnings I had from working in odesk. (Yey me!)

Ofcourse I had to tag along my bestfriend/lover to buy a new pair too since his shoes gave up already and there was this huge sale of upto 70% off. He couldn't resist the temptation too! Hah.

Voala! New shoes. Healthy life begins. Mwah!

That reminds me, I have to exercise now. Bye! c:


Blogged @ 1:25 PM
Don't let me go -

The Great

09 March, 2013


Viewed this movie just a few hours ago! I couldn't get the hype out of my system that's why I just have to write of my amazing realizations from this movie.

Aside from the fact that movies always gives me an hour or two of totally "i-don't-care-what-is-happening-to-the-world" leisure, it gives me random thoughts and emotions too of what is truly feel inside. Segway, I still believe that every movie I watch (because I don't usually go watch movies at random) always have a reason why the Universe made me watch such movie. Now talking about the Great Oz, it sure made me think and realize a lot.

First thought, I love happy endings. Because I know happy endings are always the best, I thought that whenever darkness do come in someone's life, it could only mean one thing------it's not the end of the story. This is one of my personal mantra when I get "all dumped in the mud and could not see the bright side" moments. The end should always be a happy ending and if I do feel the opposite, I tell myself "mel, just go on, it's not the end!" and I am back to trying and winning the world. The Great Oz confirmed this all the more.

Second, the power of believing. Oz never thought he would become the Great Oz but because people believed in the powers (actually, skill) he had, he created wonders and defeated the dark witches. Oz in the long run believed in what he is capable of doing. He had it in him,the zest, the feisty feeling to do great things. He only needed the chance to do so and when he did, all hell break lose. (Or should I say heaven). It's a reflective statement on my end too, that the power of believing could do wonders. I am not great, I am infact a nobody but I have this dream and that dream when made possible could do great wonders. I am at the brink of letting go of such dream, the "bum" life I am having right now makes me wonder whether I should still believe in my dreams. Though my mind tells me I should, there's something in me that I must continue believing. I am hoping to make the greatest change I could leave to the my profession in the hope to elevate the status, education, training and scope of this practice. There's so much more to do, it's a long long way still. I might actually run away from the thought of it someday, but for now I want to continue believing that something is brewing in me. I have this interest, this feisty feeling to do great things. I just wish I will have the chance Oz had and when I do, I want to do great wonders.

Lastly, Oz the Great and Powerful story confirmed another belief I doubted a few times: will pure goodness prevail? I know that goodness is a "safe zone" and that it may also be another scenario of a "normal" life. But I don't want to go with the flow of being "normal" in our society knowing that there is just so much injustice in our country especially for my profession. I have been an unfortunate victim of this "man slaughter" I call several times already but that doesn't make me hate my profession. I love to do what I studied, I just can't fathom the thought that there are opportunistic institutions in our country wasting brilliant people due to "backer system"

Oz the Great and Powerful made me think so many positive thoughts and dreams. I just wish to continue living this dream just like Oz.

Blogged @ 10:51 PM
Don't let me go -