I must accept, since the later part of 1st sem, I felt distant towards GOD. I just felt I wasn't good enough and that I felt ashamed. I felt I do not deserve the kind of path He is offering me. I felt I was too weak and vulnerable that I wandered somewhere far from that path.

And so begun the days I felt the loneliest. I got to experience walking feeling vulnerable to the staring eyes of the people around. I could not stand staying alone at one place and just enjoy looking at people passing by, I felt I was being observed instead. I felt and feel empty, to put it in simple term.

The feeling was furthermore asserted when my barkada and I had conflicting schedules. No more lunch together days... Literally now, I am alone. I long to reconnect to God, but I realized it's not easy... I will have I will have to overcome the shame I would have to shall endure as I face Him. And as of now, I seem not to hit the right target as I try. It's always kulang. Although I know what I should do, but it seems I just couldn't do it. Have I gone tired? I don't want to quit...

I have prayed to Him several times to somehow give me some company. And lately, I just realized He did. He even lead me to the group I felt I belonged the best in our block. I felt happy about it, but still "i am full, yet feel empty."

With this internal conflict going on me , my functional abilities as a person have obviously been affected. I don't know but somehow I think I have changed and not for the better... :( I feel entirely confused and so deprived of happiness. Added more with the frustrations I have with my major subjects... how on earth will I be able to keep myself from giving up? I can't quit.

Since I have mentioned about my majors, might as well dwell on it for a while. I don't know if I should consider myself challenged or down right MALAS? My two major subjects are hell. What an unfortunate situation for me to have belonged to the most difficult test and quiz giver for my Lecture, and extremely mataray, demanding, intimidating CI for my Lab. *you see, we perform Return Demonstrations in our Lab so she'd have to listen to us individually and fry us alive while we're performing and enumerating the 5-paged procedures!* And last Thursday, I had my first RD. I was confident because I really memorized the procedure... but to my dismay, as I was out of her sight, water was starting to fill my eyes. My classmates noticed me but I had to pretend it was just an allergic reaction to of the powder of the gloves. She was that terror. She will continues continues to ask, ask, ask, and ask questions until you are completely blank to proceed to the next step. And not just plain asking alright, somehow the idea that you are already being scolded is implied. She made me feel stupid and weak and I hated her for making me cry like that. It was a first after-RD related cry... But I cannot quit.

I cannot quit because I feel the completion of this course would mean something to my parents. Somehow, I want them to feel happy and proud of having me. Somehow I want to prove them something and that quitting would mean shame to our family. Somehow I want to feel I am doing something they both like and that I wouldn't have to feel guilty of giving them pain, shame and frustrations buy by giving up my happiness, my freedom, my ideal life. I cannot quit because they expect so much from me and I don't want to feel a failure if I do not follow their deal. I cannot quit simply because I can't, and I shouldn't!

But I want to thank God for somehow, extending His love no matter how far distant I seem to be from towards Him. I had a chat with my previous CI and somehow I shared a little of what I felt and what I went through... I never realized he appreciated my efforts of trying to be consistently on top in his RLE-NC&ND group. And on the last part of our chat, he just surprisingly said this... "tadi well ha! kip reaching for new heights! never let good enough be good enough. aim for more! aim high! tc!" It's not stated but it's implied... he believed in me. He believed in what I can do and in what I can give. He believed that I had the potential, though not the best in our batch, to give more, to extend my limits. He made me believe in myself... and that single intention made a whole lot of difference to me.

I don't want to fail you sir.... Thank you for believing in me.

And lord, THANK YOU for not leaving me.
Blogged @ 7:37 PM
Don't let me go -

Imagine a photo of a poor malnourished child, most preferably girl, with eyes glaring at you... almost saying, "will you help me?"

I always try to avoid seeing photos of these kinds because I feel ashamed and totally helpless. I get this tight and painful feeling every time I look into the eyes of these very people... It's as if my heart and their heart have this quiet conversation and all I can hear is "help me, help us, please..." and all I could shamefully say is, "I'm sorry."

One time I got totally disturbed over the fact that God is God and why can't HE, as GOD do something for these people? I asked kuya about this... but he said he won't answer . It wasn't a philosophical question as how I labeled it, he said it was an existential one and that I should not let go of such question and confront God with it. I confronted God that night but it turned out, I was too week to digest the whole idea of it for I fell on my knees and just cried, and cried, and cried. I couldn't even talk spontaneously for I had difficulty catching my breath.. But I know with those tears I've shed, God understands my emotions, intentions and doubts. I love God and so I felt ashamed doubting His power. But I couldn't help it. I just felt I had to talk back and question Him. I desperately wanted to know why... as desperate as the depth of emotion I feel hearing the voices of those who cry out of hunger...

God always asks us to do good, to be generous and caring to them, but I really don't know if it's working at all.. I mean, yeah it does, but come to think of it, all the relief goods that we give to these people will only last for a certain span of time. IT WON'T CHANGE THEM! IT WON'T CHANGE THEIR CONDITION! I know the very people who really spend money for the purchase of these relief goods are influential individuals to the society.. why can't they use their influence instead and do something about the situations of the hungry and the poor??? enough with those crappy and purely pathetic excuses people always reason out... THESE PEOPLE SUFFER MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE IN THIS WORLD, Why won't you try to do a favor for them?

I get aggravated over the thought that there are individual who would rather dwell in their haven and cocoons even though they are surrounded with all these frustrating and depressing images of the society. I really pray that one day, they will all wake-up... that they will get off their bed and just do what is right and just!

But I never let go of the question 'why'.... why doesn't God just save them? He knows no limits. He can perform miracles. He is GOD. Why does he let these people suffer? do they really deserve all these pain that He lets them die not even tasting the sweet brush of the brighter side of life? Why, God? Why?....
Blogged @ 9:13 PM
Don't let me go -