I've been feeling so off lately. I kinda feel so uninterested of everything. I feel like everything in my life is just so unhappy, so unsatisfying. It's really unfair for me to say that I just couldn't find happiness in whatever and wherever I am in my life but it's really how I feel now.

Lately, I've had so much plans for  myself. I wanted to take my IELTS review seriously but my schedule and tutor feels a bit unsupportive. For this reason, I don't feel like making time doing my readings and writings. I also feel dissatisfied of my work. It's totally frustrating because now that there are 3 people helping out to do our task as compared to our situation 2 months ago, I still am not happy of where I am.

Probably because I imagined that this year, I'll be assigned in the clinical setting, but some chance of luck, I got in the Out-Patient Department. This would mean, I'd have to stay for another year so I can transfer to another area and finally get that clinical experience I've been long waiting for which also means, I will have to adjust another one year until I can finally plan on making that shot abroad. Gesh!

I feel frustrated too now that I'm seeing my friends settling down with their chosen career. They're not really that satisfied of their job the moment they took up the opportunity but over the years, they've managed to make it comfortable and satisfying for them. Now after 3-5 years of stay, they've managed to climb up the ladder of success and became bosses and/or trusted employees.

I'm also insecure of the continuous success of my other half in work and in life. Not that I am not happy of the prosperity he is experiencing now, in fact I'm very proud of him, I don't feel that I deserve someone as settled and established as him now. Presently with whatever is happening in my life, I still feel I have a long long way to go to reach that vision I have been imagining myself to become but unconsciously I am being dragged slowly by the fear of losing him, leaving him and hurting him along the way as I chase my dreams. I just feel I awe him big time and that deciding to chase after my dreams that's taking forever to accomplish is just selfish of me. Many would say why won't I just settle down and let him work for the two of us.Yes, that's the easy course but I'm not that kind of a woman who would entrust her entire life to a man. I was raised to stand on my own feet and fight for my own right and I'll remain to be like that. Maybe this unsatisfied feel is all in my thoughts, maybe all these imagined negative stuffs are just my imagination, maybe I'm too conscious of what other people would think of my decision and my situation that I've forgotten to live for myself, according to my own standard.

I really have to remind myself over and over again that other people's thoughts do not matter and that I have to remain true and honest to myself and what I really want in life.

I have visions of success and prosperity for myself. I'm just pressured because most of my friends are at the state of their lives where they feel they have achieved something and that they're proud of where they are and what they've become. As for me, I'm still striving to reach "there" but I shall promise myself that I will really reach that "there" I am talking about and that I hope someday I shall prove to those people who doubted my ability and my strength that I can make it big because I will make it big and I shall be proud not to boast my success but to share my blessings not just to them but also to those who feel the same as I do now who had broken dreams and crushed egos. I want to be an inspiration to those dreamers someday.

For now, I really pray this out sparked soul be restored to it's inspired state to continue on dreaming, to continue working and to continue inspiring. I need some juice of motivation to start the momentum, just one kick and off I go.


Blogged @ 9:19 PM
Don't let me go -