In as much I really want to express what I truly feel, words seem to betray me as I am left mute and silent sitting infront of the PC. Nonetheless, I will try to immortalize what I feel as my body dictates my mind to do it, to just do it.

It's still the first month of the year and I have had my first splurge of not-so-intense-but-enough-to-bother-me emotional drama. Talking bout the dilemma of hope, love, pain, happiness, doubt, insensitivity, and fear.... who wouldn't? and I just hate it.

What hit me the most is the feeling of inner doubt about myself, take note, about myself. I nonetheless care about what other people think about me. I don't, even, in the slightest way am trying to make an impression nor am I trying to impress others with the way I work things out. I just do what I believe is right and proper... I don't really mind what others would think about it. I guess I got this trait when I was still and the edge of out growing childhood and trying to fit-in in the world of adolescence. I was a paranoid of what other people might think of what I wore, how I looked, what I would say and how would I present myself. It adds up to the anxiety of trying to get things done and trying to fit in to what they would consider as good. 4 years served me well and good but I grew tired of this constant double self check... then I realized, it was just me being so sensitive and paranoid. No one cared really... and what makes it better is that it's much easier and spontaneous if I do things confidently without having to fit my performance into another person's standards. Then again, I was not there to impress and it became my principle, and once again, I am not here to impress.

Talking about Love, love love...
Most of my friends, if I am not mistaken, have someone special in their thoughts. They might even fantasize over their happy ending story right now and I know, few more days, I would hear more love stories. One by one, they are being owned... not that it bothers me, not that I am not happy about it. Infact, I am even excited to hear their stories to tell and I am most definitely happy for them. What just tickles my mind is the thought that I know many are wondering why I'm not committed and someone out there is hoping. While others are starting to be with their special someone, I remain to be on my own. Call me a loser, call me a loner but I don't really intend to relate commitment to just relationships. For long I never dealt with this thing in my life for at some point, I haven't really realized the importance of it... until I was caught up with a situation like this.

I envisioned myself to be with the one I truly love and care. Someone I dream I would be proud to tell the world I am loved and loving this man, someone I would be stong enough to fight for, someone I would undoubtly give the my love to, without doubt, fear, pain, and hesitation. At this point in time, I haven't found that man yet. I'm sorry.

Blogged @ 12:57 PM
Don't let me go -