As I write this entry, this song plays... Out of random or choice? Maybe out of choice. I don't know why or how rightful is the feeling I feel right now. It's a random and mixed emotion of tears and sighs with a spark of beauty in it. I say it's beauty because of the delight and color it has brought in my life, but sadly at some point it dimmed the colors it brought and to the person, I long to say "dahil minsan lang kita iibigin."

Ok. So it's true and you heard it right. I just had my first heartache, and man! I tell you, it is not a pleasant experience at all. But oOoOpz, I'm not in a relationship or what so ever ok? It's just plain games of the heart. :D

So I knew this guys 2 years ago and well, let's just say we had some good times together. Those "good times" went on for a few months and just as how abruptly it started, it ended out of the blue. At this point the transition was pleasant and I did not have any problems at all. Siya lang naman ang first date ko, first person I "entertained", first person I accepted who clearly deviated from the "mr.Ideal" image, first person I humbly showed my affection and care and first person to whom I opened my heart whole heartedly. And again, let me reiterate to you, at this point the transition was pleasant. But from some sort of fate, we met again.

Few months after our paths crossed. I acted as if things we ok, and I'm glad he cooperated. We started a new and things were smooth between us. Midterms came and he invited me to join him to study at the library. I said yes, anyway we'll be busy reading.

And from that moment and on, he showed gestures and talked words which were very familiar on my part. I thought this time, he would mean what he said and grab the chance to once again prove himself. So maybe I haven't really closed that part of my life completely and once again I entertained him in my thoughts. But the same as the first time, he came and disappeared like a puff of smoke. What's worse, he turned his eyes on my closest friend who never had any idea about us. At this time, the wound grew much deeper and more aching.

I keep on asking myself "what's with him that you can't get over with? It is because in your eyes he glows? you get challenged? he looks good? he makes you feel good? what?" I know it's unreasonable and absurd in the first place to have once again entertained him for the second time around but perhaps there were hanging questions I badly wanted to have answers.

I just hate the fact that he has done the same thing to me TWICE. I just hate the fact he just charges to whomever person he wants. I just hate the fact that he came back and what for? to leave just like the first?!?! I just hate the fact that I see his eyes glow as they lay on the sight of her. I just hate that she feels good whenever he does this to her. I just hate the fact that acts guilt free. I just hate the fact that he thinks were ok, that I'm ok. I hate the fact that I see him almost everyday.I just hate the fact that he uses his charm whenever he needs something from me. I hate the fact that I chose him among all the other persons to open my heart to! I hate the fact that I gave him all the chances in the world with him taking them for granted. I just hate the fact that I can't show I'm super mad at him (coz if I do, it would appear I lost) and pretend to talk to him in an "OK" manner. When in fact, I just want to burst into tears, slap his face, ignore him completely and remove all the memories I have about him.

And so that's my story. That's the end of that part of my life. His third chance will never come, and I'll make sure of it, "dahil minsan lang kitang iibigin."