I remember well the story of the A's of heart in the "Solitaire Mystery" book. She left her family to "search" for herself until by the end, she got too engrossed with the searching and completely forget who she is and the people she had in her life.

I also recall one of the meaningful themes the story "Little Prince" brings to its reader: "Never let go of the child in you."

Why am I suddenly pondering on these two characters? It's simple. I'm slowly becoming the person I am afraid these characters are referring to.

At this point in my life, there's just too much to take. I'm feeling either half full or half empty. Never really felt like all these things I am doing right now make any sense! How could it make sense when an internal voice in me asks, "what if?... you could have been doing this" and so I begin to doubt whether I am really meant for this. I flee in a desperate act to search for myself.

During my first years of being a nursing student, I always gagged over the thought of myself working in a hospital. I really hated hospitals. I really hated the thought of dying people. I hated the thought of looking at a sick person. I think, it still holds true upto now but at a lesser state. I've been exposed to a lot of areas where a nurse can possibly worked but my heart never really fell on any of them and I begin to become scared.

It's true that when your heart tells you NO, all the rest follows. It's like a commanding post secondary to the brain, who's decision comes first then to be followed by the brain in it's "to the rescue mode." You get my point? I guess not. Well, let's make it simple. Everything becomes much easier when it's the heart that leads. And right now, I don't really think its my heart that's becoming the captain of my soul. It's such a cliche to hear, "I am confused" because everyone else say and experience the same thing. But, I would like to tell it with my uttermost sincerity that inside, there's chaos and yet, everything else outside me is in order. Is that being confused already?

People who have known me know the drama of my life at how at certain point, I bled and ached a lot. That experience has taught me a lot. It made me prove that I am strong and able to bring myself up. But that experience has taught me to be sensitive too. To be sensitive without showing the pain, to put up a mask that I am alright, that I am not weak, that I have a brave heart. This keeping up has taught my heart to swallow every ounce of pain I could take to avoid others to become hurt seeing me hurt. It's like not showing them I am in pain because seeing them seeing me in pain, hurts me. So I follow a routine, a route leading to right acts. I avoid every element that could possibly hurt me. I strictly adhere to the road, avoiding distractions in every stop over I take. I never consider stepping on the brakes or to return back --- I continue on my journey, diligently. Now the sad truth is, I have become comfortable. Too comfortable with the safety and coziness of the world I live in. My mind narrowed and revolved in the kind of world I consider as an oasis. I stick to what can give me "good stuffs," I stick with what pleases me and them. I never learned to take the other route, no amount of temptation has led me out of the way... But where is happiness? where is satisfaction? where is passion? There's no more zest in the trip. There's no more roller coaster ride that gives hype to my soul. There's no more beauty in it. None. I'm afraid one day, a lost boy in a blue suite will walk by me and ask what his drawing would look like. Then I would tell him it's a hat, implying I have lost the child in me and I have become too early for an adult. What if the routine in life would transform me to the kind of person I never wish to become? How can I be able to stop it?

I don't want to become the A's of heart. I also don't want to become the adult the little prince is referring to.
Blogged @ 2:55 PM
Don't let me go -