On such unlikely occasion, I was once again knocked by God's hands. I would like to record this on my archives so that one day, I would look back at events when my heart experienced painful-sweetness.

I was taking lunch at Cecil's. Actually, I really don't like the place and if not because of my blockmate who forced me to eat there, I would have not eaten there. Anyway, we were already finishing up our plate and started to munch on our deserts already. We were busy eating and making chikkkkaaaaaaa, then in the middle of our conversation, someone came in and stared at our plate. I did not look at the man for I thought he was staring at us... and then he then asked my classmate who was in front of me, "ma'am, dili na nah ninyo kan-on?" He was referring to the chicken my classmate ate, which was obviously been eaten and savored to the bones. Then we said, "dili nah" and he asked if he could eat the remaining meat and rice. That was the time I turned my attention at him. He immediately gathered the plate with the left-overs and as he was about to eat, one of the personnel of Cecil's approached our table and asked the person, in an unkind manner, to go outside and leave. The person attempted to beg, but it did not work and at this moments, I was just left staring at his eyes as he begged and helplessly walked outside.

What a "heart-crushing" experience that was... I was absolutely filled with guilt and total disgust of myself. I was actually complaining of the taste of my food and only ate half of what I ordered, and here is a man, desperately looking for food who asked with total humility to eat even the remains of our dish! I did not understand what I was feeling during that time. After some moments, I could no longer hold back the tears in my eyes so I asked and left the group and went to go somewhere dark and quite. That experience left me with tears falling from my eyes and with a heart that felt pain for which I have never experienced ever before. The only feeling I could identify was guilt. It was intense. It was powerful that it made me run to the comfort room and hide. The feeling was just heavy! He was very happy when we allowed him to get our left-overs, and when he was about to take a bite of his humble food, someone cut his happiness that instant. And then there I was, doing nothing! :'( I really feel bad for doing nothing... I could have stood up and stopped the man. I could have given him a descent meal and made him stay inside to eat! But what did I do? NOTHING! I allowed the personnel to throw the hungry person away!

I feel ashamed of myself. I could have done something and yet, I chose to do nothing. :( I even feel more disgusted of myself now as I am writing this! I know I have failed God. I know God is ashamed of me too. What is the use of all the formation I had throughout the years that I have engaged myself with, that when confronted with this situation, I still chose to do nothing?!?

to be continued... I could no longer think well, the feeling is back.
Blogged @ 7:31 PM
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