Me: "Manang, palit ko ug roses, ayaw lang nang yellow ha kei bright ra kaayo."

Manang: "Chada nga dili ka ganahan ug yellow kei meaning ana, dili ka selosa."

...and from then on, I learned to hate yellow for I do not like to be identified as selosa.

Feeling jealous is not what I normally do. I do not feel jealous that easy because first, I feel grateful of the things I have and second, feeling jealous for me is accepting my defeat and I hate being defeated. I won't deny that I sense when I begin to feel such emotion but then I resort to laying down my armor, blocking the feeling and repressing it. I never really recognized jealousy. "It's not part of my vocabulary in life" if I may put it rightly and precisely. However, my armor's energy to block may have subsided through the years... now, I begin to feel pain, the pain of jealousy.

There were two persons who weakened my defenses... two person dearly close to my heart. It doubles the pain knowing that I love these two, but I just feel that I do not have the right to feel this way... it's just not right.

Yet I do not feel sad I am jealous. I am overwhelmed instead. It's like I am happy I feel this way for it makes me feel real. I just do not feel self-inflicted pains such as frustrations and discouragements but including the feeling caused by too much love. It also tells me I am capable of loving and hurting is just part of loving.

The pain I feel is not like any normal pain. I have to carry it all alone, swiftly and silently for I do not have any plans of revealing who these persons are and why I am jealous. The pain is eating me inside but, ironically, I am nourishing it. Maybe because I want to keep myself reminded of how much I love them, that even though it does hurt, I still choose to continue to love. At least, I can tell myself I am real...
Blogged @ 7:23 AM
Don't let me go -