My birthday: all i can say is, it's the best birthday i have ever had! i want to share every single detail here but i'm not in the mood to do so. Well, there's a deeper meaning to it. if you read this post entirely, you will understand. Anyway, thank you to my real friends who made me feel extremely special. You guys have completed my birthday more than what I presumed it would be.


days after my birthday: I hate it! swear to God, for 3 days staight, i have experienced the worse of the worse that i have become. Can wisdom be lost? that's my greatest question. My kamalasan started saturday evening. (Sorry to my group) I had the worse group ever!!! Some of the boys are extremely APATHETIC!! They don't care at all! They don't care about what's happening, they don't care what they're suppose to do, they don't care about our performance!!! Technically speaking I shouldn't react this way. I am not the leader of the group, but what can I do? there's something in me that tells me i have to be concerned. I have to complement for the parts that our leader failed to check... That was what i wanted to do. But of course, i have to respect the power of our leader so i had to limit myself to reminding the members of what they are suppose to do, and really snap my fingers in front of them to get themselves working!! But, APATHY hinders everything that i want to happen. Shit! Boys in our group are apathetic! APATHETIC i tell you. RRRrrrrr.... it is at this moments then that my temper starts to rise. Then i do not speak and let the group go on to "whatever comes" mode. Would you believe our performance for today was our first and last practice? yes, it was! And to add on to the kamalasan I EVEN DESTROYED OUR OVER-HEAD PROJECTOR PRESENTATION. But, i cannot control the situation. I was the MC and I could not go down to control the computer while i speak! Plus, the sounds.. eerrrr... they had no speaker! then, the monitor of the computer does not work when it is connected to the over head projector. So i had to look at the big screen when I want to prepare for the presentation... but then the audience would be able to see it. I had no choice but to do so. But IT WAS REALY SO "HUGAW!" as in the whole performance for the slide show presentation was a shit! Then the sounds for every interval of the entire program, I cannot open the files since we used the MP3 player as our source of music and it's connected to the computer. How am I suppose to open the files when I cannot see the screen?? I must not use the Big screen since it would make our performance more Hugaw! Good thing I brought a CD with some great songs and instead we used the cd player. But even before this presentation, yesterday, I cried (for the first time in College) kay napuno na jud ko!!! I cried infront of my group in jollibee. I did not mind the place anymore because I was extremely mad, confused, exhausted and stressed!

Saturday night, I started making our slideshow presentation using the program "Ulead". But then our computer cannot comprehend to the required vitual memory whatever for the entire project to play so I could not edit it rightly. I had the patience so i still insisted on making the video even though i was tired already. And to think, I reached home around 11pm because my friends went to XUHS to watch the play fest of HS 4th yr students. So i was ablet o start working on my work around 12 am already. Anyway, instead of playing the whole project, i played it clip by clip (which took almost forever!) The clock ticked and it was already 3am and i am still at the middle of the entire presentation (it's that long since i really manipulated every direction of the video to look nice) My mom woke-up and started scolding my which made the situation more worse. I grew tired of the manu-manu so i gave up. I've exerted so much effort to it, yet it was all useless. I went to bed, crying... crying severely. (I have only cried like that 2 years ago, and to think what happened to me 2 yrs ago was that extreme. That was exactly what I felt, i was caught up with situations i cannot control and can't do anything about it.) I told myself to wake-up early the next day. I woke up at 7:30am and called one of my classmates to ask an installer of the "Ulead" program and one of my groupmates whether I could use his computer for the video editing. My groupmate said yes and immediately, i said, "ok, mudiretso na lang ko sa inyong balay and dili nako mu join sa jabee para magmeet." (at this moment, I presumed that the practise would still be at his place). Anyway, I planned to ask for an installer so that I could work on another computer. Yet the person whom I called said it was with another classmate. I called that other classmate of mine then she said again she has let her friend borrow it. She told me to call our classmate from HS to ask whether he has one.. I called the cellphone, it's out of reach. Landline, no one answered the phone. I felt so helpless already but i still tried despite the frustration i felt. I tried to copy the entire program installed in our computer in the memory card hoping that when i paste it unto the other computer it would work. I continued to hope for things to get a little lighter. Then I prepared myself to head to my groumate's place. He said, they would meet at around 8 A.M. I left our place at 9:30, so by the time I would reach their place, it would be 10:00 A.M and that they would be there already. I asked the owner of the place what street of that subdivision their house was located. I was reaching the place already, then I wondered why they weren't there. I door belled and asked their maid whether his "amo" asked permission to his dad that we would be using their place again for our practice. She said, no. I calmly said, "oh ok, thank you" And to think i was left alone outside their house without no clue of what i am suppose to do and how am i suppose to react!! i texted my groupmates (majority boys) where they are and asking whether they won't they be coming. RRrrr.. APATHY RETURNS and NO ONE REPLIED!!! only one replied and it was only after i have riden a jeepney. What blazed me so much was the inability of the owner of the place to think!!!! SHIT! He did not tell me that the group wont be cat their place!!!! Didn't he wonder why I asked what street their place is??? Didn't he get the line na "Mudiretso nako sa inyo"???? i was extremely mad at this time, so disgruntled that I wanted to slap his face and shout at him. Instead, when I reached the place... I just cried beacause I know, slapping him would just make the situation worse. And to think I have not yet started the slideshow. Now, my other classmate offered his place. So there, we went to her place. I copied the entire folder of "Ulead" but to my dismay, it did not work. So i had to use another program. I tried checking whether they had Windows movie maker. Rrrr.. there was none! Coz' they were using the windows 98. So we had to move to another place. We went to my other, other classmate. And this time, we used the windows movie maker instead. For 2 hours that I have been working.. i was finally done! Yet ambot na lang jud sa akong ka malas, dili siya ma save!!!! Some source failure chuchu, but i did not delete or move anyfiles at all!!! rrrrr!!! (at this moment, I was so tired already and extremely frustrated of the things that was happening) Then, I had no choice, I made another one and this time, using the Laptop. I started from scrap again.. and whatever chuchu my classmate copied the flash i made from the pc and pasted it in the laptop and played and it worked! yet, i had to edit some more and good thing, such act made things more easier. we were able to convert it to video file. I left their place almost seven with an empty stomach (no dinner the other night, breakfast and a little lunch, so i was like killing myself already, noh? I wanted that.) And as soon as i reached home, I was again scolded by my mom and she started speaking about always facing the computer and unable to study for my lessons and all other things. Nag-away na pud mi and so i head to my room and slept. Then the next day, which is today... our presentation was THE WORSE EVER!

I cannot blame myself to feel bad. Somehow I felt severly hopeless. As in HOPELESS! Circumstances were out of my control plus added with my worthless groupmates. All i wanted was to have a nice presentation but due to some uncooperative members, this seemed to be impossible. Plus added with some kamalasan, i was down to nothing. What happened to me today makes me feel I AM A FAILURE. Its painful to see our performance as lower even with mediocrity standard. I felt very much responsible for everything, for every devastating incidents. I feel a failure because it is as if I have not managed to control myself (given the fact that I cried and got really mad at them), the situation, and the chaos. The group was already panicing and so was I. Feeling nako wala nako na apply ang akong na learn na experiences sa high school. Kadtong mga training sa LC, sa Ogilvie, sa XUHS. I have failed the spirit of Light Cavalry because of what happened to us----we have failed, i failed. Light Cavalry has taught me so much about managing groups, organizing events and planning to have a descent presentation. Yet, i have failed to apply these. wala man pud diay pulos akong pagka-LC. Nagpaka pul-pol pud ko. Infact, I have unconsciously supressed the spark of LC in me. I have cared less... Maybe because I feel wala koy pulos coz' i think i am not given the chances and opportunities. The passion is no longer as strong as how it used to be... and now that I am aware of that I've become a little like apathetic, I've become bothered of it.... What if?
Blogged @ 9:29 PM
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