What is care? why do we feel care? why do wee need to care? why can't we escape care? can someone care?

from the time i felt the world was not all about me and that i still have other people to consider upon making a move, a decision, or uttering a word, i make it a point to think what would be its effect to them? it pains me if i pain them. i get hurt when i see them hurt. more surely if it was because of me.

but sometimes, i get tired you know. people don't seem to know i care. people don't seem to see i get hurt. it's as if i don't exist, i don't experience pain.

you don't know but you hurt me deeply. i just don't show it, because i am afraid, my hurting will hurt you too. i care too much about you... and id continue to sacrifice if it means keeping you longer. but, i'm a human being. i have feelings and i do give up.

this idea just popped:

why is it that everytime i recite, others don't seem to get my point though i may think its the brilliant answer i could think of, NO ONE really sees it. And when someone delivers his piece, EVERYONE jumps inot hale as if they've heard the answer to all their questions. charisma? PATHETIC!

when i am serious at a particulart thing, they take me as a joke. and when i joke, they take me seriously. when will people understand me? when will they get it right? when will i stop understanding? i need patience...

(this may sound specific)

and when I invite my friends, A FEW are only interested and in the end, minus those who dont really care. EVERYONE becomes suddenly busy! but when someone does the same thing, inviting, they support her and they all become mysteriously idle that they come in and join.

when i get hurt, no one really notices or no one cares. a passive response i see in their eyes. i see in their eyes the lines, "it's going to be alright, she'll be okay soon" sh*t!! my pain is not worth one line!! and being ok is not as easy as saying 'she'll be ok'!!! people see me as jolly, bubbly and smiley... but deep inside, in my heart a river i have cried. it's more painful because i hide my pain. i don't show it. i dont even dare making others feel it. maybe it's because im good at pretending. and im afraid that oneday, this phony game will become natural of me that i won't see the difference between being real and pretending. but they are my friends... they should hear what i am not trying to say.

i thought watching movies alone will never happen again when i've got friends to be with. i thought wrong.

often times, i wish to suddenly be gone. disappear. perhaps, this will be the time i will see my worth. or if i do have worth.

im tired of caring because i don't get it in return. im tired of caring because others dont seem to care i care. im tired of caring because i always have to understand. im tired of caring because often times it's unrequited. im tired of caring because i have given so much, not much is left. and you know what's worse? Caring becomes more tiring when i feel it never made a difference.
Blogged @ 8:14 PM
Don't let me go -