"I am Having a very tough ride."
The first time I have heard myself speak such line so real, so true. I am feeling it. I don't understand why I seem to be so engrossed. I don't understand either why I should feel that way. Perhaps I'm tired. Yes, maybe I am, but that would be too shallow to reason out.
"why can't I stop comparing myself to others?" Furthermore, the other side of me questions, "what is in them that I don't have? We went through almost the same and was given the same amout of time to study, why am I still only few inches from passing grade when they can be a yard away from it?" This I started to feel STUPID. There's no other reason to blurt out but STUPIDITY.

Other side of me speaks:"NO. They just know the secret of taking pressure...RELAX!" "I am relaxed!" "No, you're not. THe way you said it, you're NOT." "Hmmmmmm...*sigh*" "When they start to feel the pressure, they draw themselves back nad hold on to something for them not to be sipped by the whirlpool. That's what they do."

Questioning side of me, "How do they do that?? When will I ever learn to do the same? How??"

Reply: "First, you must draw yourself from you. You are the one sabotaging yourself. The armor you wear in defense from your enemy is actually your built-in enemy. Take it off and be yourself. Relax and break free. Then eventually, you will find your way through when your heart and mind have settled and yourself have finally become one with your element, soaring swifly, peacfully...air."
harhar! okay, I am sharing this 'self conversation' because I just want to. nyahaha! ok, not. Because I want to give some light to others who are also experiencing the same. I've realized I have found the my greatest weakness, my greatest insecurity----Intelligence. I get so damn insecure whenever I see others performing PERFECTLY. I just simply become amazed. When tell myself, I wanna do the same.. then poof! out of no where I become a jerk.Er! really... there's just this pressure and an external force that sinks me from with in. Sad, right? I don't know. Maybe because ever since I got hold of the kind of life being a child of one of the teachers in grade school and constantly being pressured of people expecting a lot from me, I guess I got used to the system that something in me creates chaos every school year just to fulfill that 'have been a constant' pressure. Crazy right? Well, I don't know. This I have to find out. hmmmmm... ok, I am not being philosophical here because I have read The solitare mystery of Jostein Gaarder or Gaardner... it's just a coinscidence that I am experiencing this... no connection at all ha. hehe! ^_^
Blogged @ 8:19 PM
Don't let me go -