mEiLy

When Friendship breaks apart

2011-01-27T19:34:00.002+08:00

I know this blog has just played its role as a emotional trash bin when I get so fed up with life and just couldn't take it any longer... and once again, here I am unloading the emotional baggage I carry inside.

In just two days, I realized something truthful about life in general. There are true unconditional friends and there are selfish conditional ones. I just found out that one of the dear friends I considered was the selfish one.

It was the week of one of my other friend's birthday that this selfish-was-a-friend-of-mine person started to act weird. The group agreed to give the birthday girl a surprise... apparently this other person started to post some emotional rants in facebook... thoughts like how could one plan something that has not been done to her and things like that. I ignored this idea thinking that she wouldn't be that shallow to have a heavy heart over not having a surprise birthday gift for her on her birthday... then 2 weeks passed hoping that things would heal and that she'd come back to her senses, she blows this " I wouldn't care anymore cause I know you guys won't listen. haha"... and this came out of nowhere! we could not even identify as to why she would post something like this? I was even calm as to offering her a venue to tell us why the sudden post and why the sudden rants in Facebook status. I know for myself I tried to reach out to her, hoping that shed give us the slightest explanation of the root cause of all these "kasuko" she has towards us...

It breaks my heart with her words saying just consider it as if I am far away na dugay pako mubalik or never na jud sa inyo.. It angers me so much as to why she couldn't give us a logical and precise reason why and not the cliches she's been telling us. We are already what? 20?21? and here she is... acting like a highschool student refusing to offer any form of explanation or facing us for that matter. It hurts so much how a person you consider a good friend can walk away just like that because of some reasons she does not want to reveal! who's being unfair now? i know that this experience is oh so overwhelming to all of us barkadas and the emotions are just raging in extremities but to me, my heart bleeds more to the person who started these all. A simple text telling us that she needs a friend or a wall post or even a call for a dinner just to catch up was all she needed to do and these things wouldn't have had to happen.

To you: How could you just trash us like dresses you have out grown? We were true to you, I for one considered you as one of my closest among the group... but you broke my heart into pieces for acting so selfish and inconsiderate.

**************

and here's this other thing too.... I just feel so frustrated over this Manila trip with my kkp friends... We booked a flight to Manila as early as June because we availed of the 1pesos fair promo CebuPac had and here they are... busy with work and other things AND THEY ALL CAN'T Go! Arrrggghhh.. I just wish the group I booked this flight were my cousins... Samuk jud kaayo. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it! I have been longing for this trip and been day dreaming for the happy memories we as a group could make, but ugh! FRUSTRATING.

EPIC

2010-12-18T07:08:00.002+08:00

It's Christmas season but this year's a bit different from the rest. Usually, I get myself so giggly and excited as soon as "-ber" months come... Oh yes, and I always make it a point to greet everyone on my list "Merry Christmas" as early as September 1. (yes, I am that excited. :D)

But this year, I held my greetings a bit later coz of my upcoming NLE. And guess what, its gonna be tomorrow!!! OMG. haha. :D (which means, I shall be greeting people after NLE. haha)

I painstakingly prepared for this exam and though I fell short quite a few times during our review, I still consider myself to have taken this seriously. I wanted to measure how far I could go when I put myself, my spirit and energy into something I want to happen, and tomorrow will be the ultimate judgement day of my labor and patience.

I know I have doubted my abilities quite a lot of times... yes, I cannot say I am the best. There will always be someone better than me, but I can also be better than him/her in other fields... but no matter what, I know I can bring out the best in me if I believe in myself and the Almighty God's bountiful grace to grant me something I have labored for long... The journey is both a discipline in spirit, mind and body... The whole process is like a journey towards becoming one with my dream with God as my counselor, listener, spirit-up-lifter, and of course a Father. He bestowed me with limitless opportunities to dream of, visions I wanted to see myself achieving and reminded me that efforts do pay... I love my dear God for he brought me this far and for the many times I tell Him, "Lord, thank you for bringing me this far."

Tomorrow will be the day my skills and knowledge towards taking the exam will be tested. I am not afraid for I know God has granted me the grace of Passing the Board exam and perhaps even Topping it. I know that He knows what I want and what I deserve to have... I know he witnessed a lot of changes in me, a lot of sacrifices, a lot of discipline... but above all these, I know that He knows, I wanted Him to become a part of my journey, to be with me, to join me in this battle.

I also give my utmost appreciation to my dear SLRC family... to the lecturers, rationalizers and staff... They are indeed fulfilling their roles towards making someone else's dream come true.. In this family, I started to dream big. In this place, I saw the limitless horizon of dreaming and believing. And I know they have labored a lot in preparing us for this December 19-20 NLE exam, and what a great reward it will be for them to see us, waving and thanking them. I will not wasted their efforts. I will not take whatever they have taught us for granted for I know, I know very well these will be my armor in this battle of Passing and Topping the Board exam.

I am not the best, but I know I can leap farther than where I landed before because now I learned about my mistakes, and because now, I am ready. I will pass and Top this exam and I can't wait to receive my license and certificate this coming February.

Thank you lord for bring me to SLRC, thank you lord, continually being with me. I love you!

Thank you

2010-07-09T12:52:00.003+08:00

March 30, 2010-July 9, 2010.

From the 30th of April till the 6th of July, I have spent my dear hazy mornings and drowsy afternoons with this very loving fellow. It is such a treat as we play together. No words were spoken, just actions the seems to gap the differences in communicating. Laughing, teasing, running, tickling, hugging and of course, eating together are some of the many activities we do. We speak no language but only the unknown connection that exist between a man and man's best friend creates the whole magic I call love.

It is rather funny as you may read this that I have spoken about love towards a canine. It's okay to laugh for now but let me have a few minutes to let you know my story with this fellow.

Jaki, as we call her/it has been our pet for for four months now. She was still cute and cuddly (and still is) like a fur ball when she arrived at our place with eyes that reflect a rather scared and lonely pup. I remember very well that I was so eager to meet her/it when my sister texted me that a new puppy is already home. I found the lil pup lurking under my sister's bedroom and I could feel then that she/it was a bit terrified to see me. I crawled down to make myself appear small so she/it would be less scared and true it was. Slowly, she/it walked out of the bed and sniffed me so gently as if inspecting any form of danger and I guess once she/it learned I was of no danger, she/it slowly crawled unto my lap. That was then the start of the magic.

Every morning after I wake up, I always hurriedly go out of the house to have a nice good morning greeting with jaki. My parents also do this as they wake up and have a smooth hot coffee drink in the morning and shares whatever food they have (and yes, even the coffee). My sister also has her own routine with her/it. Before she goes out of the house, she bids farewell to our lil jaki and as soon as she arrives home, even without bath, she would confidently hug and kiss lil jaki. My mother also loves to tease jaki with the broom. They would play like kids as jaki tries to bite the broom and my mom wisps the broom tagging along jaki with her/it's jaw locked unto the broom. My father also loves to play catch with her/it using her/it's chew bone or ball. I know, jaki is thrilled as each and every being in the house would express love to her/it. I am too, for through jaki, I felt there was something common in our family. Every meal times, we would share funny stories of jaki doing crazy things like hiding one pair of slippers, jumping off a chair (jaki's afraid of heights), barking at chicken, looking confused when seeing a cat, barking continuously at poor defenseless frog and many more. You see, we never did this as a family. It is not because we lack communication but because for the many years, we had nothing in common to share with. Jaki became the common. We all loved jaki and the mere presence of it connected us four. The communication even went on beyond talking about jaki. Slowly, we all felt comfortable sharing things that happened to us for the day. Jaki bridged the gap we, as a family, had. Jaki brought out love too in my family. We all started to care about each other in as much as we care for her/it. We started to express affection towards others in as much as we express affection towards her/it. Jaki awakened the dormant love we had as a family. Jaki was love.

But I guess, she/it served it's purpose very well already. In as much as she brought love, I also think she/it felt love too. My family never welcomed a new pup as much as they did with jaki. They never cared for an animal this much as they did with jaki. They never talked so much about a puppy this much as they did with jaki and they've been so happy to have a puppy this much as they did with jaki. For me, this was Magic.

Just this morning, jaki died because of a disease I know nothing of. I would, with all might, save her if only I had any idea what I was about to do. But it was jaki's time to go... She lay down gently in front of the door where we could all see her waiting for each of us too see her for the last time before she took her last breath.

Jaki, i promise, you will always be remembered.

I changed my mind

2010-05-24T12:30:00.002+08:00

I changed my mind, I do love him. ♥

The Glow that Glisens

2010-05-22T17:05:00.003+08:00

Let me break the news as I tell you I am already committed. Yes, I am. Surprised huh? Who isn't? I am even. :D

I skip for the now the story of the hows and whens.. in time, I'll come to that. What just tickles me to blog this certain event in my life is the uncertainty I have found myself into. I always tell him, "it wasn't me who decided to make things happen. It just did and it wasn't as if I really thought hard on this." If I were in his shoes, I would take it as something as "you were forced to decide because the world and things around you are already in place and your decision is just what it takes to settle things"

I don't know if I should be telling this, nor should I immortalize this unfavorable emotion of doubt. But I would want to expel these unreasonable reasons of fear and "ungratefulness" to this blog entry.

Suddenly I feel scared of my decision.. knowing our situation, I fear I would bring harm instead of love to this fragile being. I fear a lot of things that might come our way... I fear the uncertainty and inconsistency now that I am with another being who has a mind and function of its own. It pains me to think that I never really felt the "want" or "desire" to love this being... but instead learned it through his alluring perseverance. I just felt I was unfair, that I had to somehow pay him back by trying to love him.

But I am not telling you I do not love him, nor am I telling you I love him. All I know is I am trying my best to show him love, to express my love. I don't know if it makes sense that a person could show love to the one to whom he/she doesn't have the "loving intent."

Is this wrong? is this being unfair to him? to me? I don't know. All I know is I have allowed myself to enter into this kind of world and I fear the uncertainty of things... all the more, I fear to bring harm knowing how stone hearted I am. :c

But what else can I ask for? He was right there for me when I needed someone to ease my pain. He was right there when I had no one else to talk to... he was there willing to listen and feel my pain. He was right there even if I threw him out of my life... he was still there when I closed my doors and turned my back on him. Above all, through the pain and sorrow... no matter how hurtful the words I spoke, he welcomed me back without hesitation or doubt. Now tell me, does this man deserve another pain? another stabbing words from me? I can't afford to do him harm no more.

But instead of being brave to show him my love, I get scared instead: scared of what I might do to him when the moment comes when I no longer have the "love". At this moment, I really want to back out while things are just as young as a week, when the commitment is still fragile and weak. But no, I can't do this too.. not now, not when he has his hopes up and his love so engulfed.

What really keeps me going is his love for me... I draw my love from his love. Sadly, my love isn't self sustaining really. :c And when the moment comes when his fire burns out, there'd be no more spark left in me too.

Thanksgiving!

2010-05-06T22:43:00.002+08:00

"£i£sis, use your love to spread your mission." -fr.xrysz

4 years ago, I promised my ku¥a to be part of his thanksgiving mass as the first reader. He was still a regent by the time I made that promise. At some point, I did believe that he will make it. I felt the outburst of spirit he had to continue his mission in following Christ and the feeling failed me not. Seeing him presiding that mass and hearing his voice actually saying "Through Him, with Him and in Him..." for which I correlated the very lines to priesthood gave a sudden gush of joy and excitement in me. I felt very proud and honored to have shared not only a year in his presence but the journey he went through and how he brought love and fire from every individual he encountered.

I wondered many years ago whether anybody else felt special in his presence ... then during his homily, he said someone asked him how did he do it? because that someone also felt special in his presence and she discovered her friends also felt the same. Which means, I am not the only one. Which also means, I am not the only heart and soul that he moved. I just wonder how many hearts and souls he has changed or inspired as he passed by in their lives. Does he ever realize it? He must really be one heck of a priest to make countless individuals feel special in his presence. No ordinary man could ever do this.

All I know is that "specialness" we felt came from a beautiful act of love. The friendship he shared was pure, honest and sincere. The act of kindness he radiated to each and every one came out naturally from him, as if he was made to do it. The passion and dedication he held in fulfilling his mission and even in projects he wanted to achieve was as feisty as a baby eager to walk! I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this way...

And so to the love he was talking to me... My dearest ku¥a, you showed me how. I know it was there but you made it stronger. You nurtured it even without you knowing simply because you were exuding the very model of it. This love I have now will surely be my guide to find and spread my mission. Thank you, ku¥a!

P.S. I'm sorry I failed my promise to be the first reader, but I did dance on your thanksgiving. I hope it compensates. :D

Who weighs the most

2010-04-22T08:49:00.003+08:00

3 days of retreat served me well. The spiritual journey I went through was an overwhelming experience. I felt the extremes of each feeling... may it be happiness, sadness, sorrow and grief.

It wasn't like any other retreats I had before, it was a silent retreat and spending atmost 15 hours a day praying and talking to my God was enriching experience. I felt shameful right before God as I recalled all my sins, my earthly desires my greed for glory and honor. It was a shame I never felt before... immense shamefulness, that somehow resorted to self pity and self desolation. I considered myself dirty, unworthy of God's love - a sinner.

But our spiritual director taught us one thing. Sin is part of our humanity. If not for our sins, we would have not experienced the great Love our God has to offer for He sent His only Son, Jesus Christ, to come and live as a human, and die because of our sinfulness to save us all. Sin should not be a reason for us to move away from God... being ashamed and unworthy, these are not excuses for us not to face God. These feelings are not reasonable, they are actually pride. Pride for our own sinfulness and humanity that we do not accept God's healing and God's forgiveness.

As for me, I accept my sinfulness. I accept I am human and committing sin is part of my experience. I have, by no means, no right to move away from God and condemn myself or others for their sinfulness... I have no right to put verdict but only God, with his unwavering Love for His creation.

I trust and believe God has forgiven me... I spent 3 days of my life repenting on my sinfulness and asking God another chance to relive His mission, His love and His mercy. I too should forgive myself, that I have to let go of those scrupulous guilt and shame, that I have to embrace the world once again, for God has given me another life to live.

God's love weighs more than my own desire, my own wickedness, my own sinfulness. And weighs more than anyone and anything in this world. I cannot afford to hurt God no more, and I am ready to let go of all other things that will hinder me to praise, serve and honor God, the Almighty.

Amen.

Something I turned out to be

2010-04-17T13:10:00.004+08:00

This is by far the worst thing that I did in my life. :c

How could I be so irrational, how could I be so dumbed to have allowed this event to happen? I have controlled myself very well for the past events and how could I have slipped with just a little instance? I feel like a freak, a beast for what has happened. I never imagined myself doing the act, never in my wildest dreams, but I did. :c

how could you? I trusted you, I gave you my trust. I gave you my respect and I gave you things I never imagined I could give to someone. How could you have taken all these gifts for granted? How?! You opened my life in this kind of possibility and I embraced it with respect. I granted your wishes and sometimes fantasy coz you mattered to me. But then again, you abused it. You took so much and left me nothing, you abused my generosity and here we are crying over our actions. I don't deserve this. I don't really think I do. I have told you over and over again and I warned you what might come our way... but you never listened. You let my words slip your mind and become so selfish to entertain you thoughts and interest instead.

I hate you. I hate myself too. I hate ourselves for what we have done... I hate what's going on in my mind. I hate the totality of it.

To my dismay, you are just like all others of your kind. You are Sin and I'm a sinner too. T_T

It'll be hard to mend

2010-02-08T13:20:00.003+08:00

By virtue of friendship and acceptance, I will accept you but I cannot assure you that I'll be the same. No words or actions can mend this broken heart, the soul that has been left alone and hanging not informed by any reason even in unspoken gestures. You kept silent, now it's my turn to be. This longstanding war of silence will not be over, will never be over. I will not be like before, when I would swallow every dignity I have. I believe I have done you no fault, for what reason do I deserve this? I never wished or imagine this would turn out this way, but sorry, the little love left has faded away.

I admit I am hurt. Hurt perhaps is a subtle way of saying it even... I do not mean to be exaggerating but there's just no perfect word that could ultimately represent what I feel. If this is what you want, then I am more pleased to offer it to you. My dear friend, how could you?

BLANK

2010-01-14T12:57:00.000+08:00

In as much I really want to express what I truly feel, words seem to betray me as I am left mute and silent sitting infront of the PC. Nonetheless, I will try to immortalize what I feel as my body dictates my mind to do it, to just do it.

It's still the first month of the year and I have had my first splurge of not-so-intense-but-enough-to-bother-me emotional drama. Talking bout the dilemma of hope, love, pain, happiness, doubt, insensitivity, and fear.... who wouldn't? and I just hate it.

What hit me the most is the feeling of inner doubt about myself, take note, about myself. I nonetheless care about what other people think about me. I don't, even, in the slightest way am trying to make an impression nor am I trying to impress others with the way I work things out. I just do what I believe is right and proper... I don't really mind what others would think about it. I guess I got this trait when I was still and the edge of out growing childhood and trying to fit-in in the world of adolescence. I was a paranoid of what other people might think of what I wore, how I looked, what I would say and how would I present myself. It adds up to the anxiety of trying to get things done and trying to fit in to what they would consider as good. 4 years served me well and good but I grew tired of this constant double self check... then I realized, it was just me being so sensitive and paranoid. No one cared really... and what makes it better is that it's much easier and spontaneous if I do things confidently without having to fit my performance into another person's standards. Then again, I was not there to impress and it became my principle, and once again, I am not here to impress.

Talking about Love, love love...
Most of my friends, if I am not mistaken, have someone special in their thoughts. They might even fantasize over their happy ending story right now and I know, few more days, I would hear more love stories. One by one, they are being owned... not that it bothers me, not that I am not happy about it. Infact, I am even excited to hear their stories to tell and I am most definitely happy for them. What just tickles my mind is the thought that I know many are wondering why I'm not committed and someone out there is hoping. While others are starting to be with their special someone, I remain to be on my own. Call me a loser, call me a loner but I don't really intend to relate commitment to just relationships. For long I never dealt with this thing in my life for at some point, I haven't really realized the importance of it... until I was caught up with a situation like this.

I envisioned myself to be with the one I truly love and care. Someone I dream I would be proud to tell the world I am loved and loving this man, someone I would be stong enough to fight for, someone I would undoubtly give the my love to, without doubt, fear, pain, and hesitation. At this point in time, I haven't found that man yet. I'm sorry.

I miss you.

2009-11-17T08:05:00.003+08:00

I miss you....

I want to hug you...

I want to caress you...

I want you with me.

I miss our laughs...

I miss our talks....

I miss our cries too.

I miss your stories...

I miss your jokes....

I miss your tenderness...

I miss your words.

I know what I'm doing hurts you,

Lil you know, it hurts me too.

When all I want to do is embrace you,

Forget what happened

And begin anew.

****************************

Lord, help me to learn to forgive. Help me to leap beyond pain and hurt. Help me Lord to embrace once more the beauty of friendship, help me to make it grow. Help me Lord to accept the person, help me to swallow my pride. Lord, please help that we'll be ok soon. It's consuming me inside already. :(

Heartache Blues

2009-09-20T12:56:00.003+08:00

"dahil minsan lang kita iibigin"

As I write this entry, this song plays... Out of random or choice? Maybe out of choice. I don't know why or how rightful is the feeling I feel right now. It's a random and mixed emotion of tears and sighs with a spark of beauty in it. I say it's beauty because of the delight and color it has brought in my life, but sadly at some point it dimmed the colors it brought and to the person, I long to say "dahil minsan lang kita iibigin."

Ok. So it's true and you heard it right. I just had my first heartache, and man! I tell you, it is not a pleasant experience at all. But oOoOpz, I'm not in a relationship or what so ever ok? It's just plain games of the heart. :D

So I knew this guys 2 years ago and well, let's just say we had some good times together. Those "good times" went on for a few months and just as how abruptly it started, it ended out of the blue. At this point the transition was pleasant and I did not have any problems at all. Siya lang naman ang first date ko, first person I "entertained", first person I accepted who clearly deviated from the "mr.Ideal" image, first person I humbly showed my affection and care and first person to whom I opened my heart whole heartedly. And again, let me reiterate to you, at this point the transition was pleasant. But from some sort of fate, we met again.

Few months after our paths crossed. I acted as if things we ok, and I'm glad he cooperated. We started a new and things were smooth between us. Midterms came and he invited me to join him to study at the library. I said yes, anyway we'll be busy reading.

And from that moment and on, he showed gestures and talked words which were very familiar on my part. I thought this time, he would mean what he said and grab the chance to once again prove himself. So maybe I haven't really closed that part of my life completely and once again I entertained him in my thoughts. But the same as the first time, he came and disappeared like a puff of smoke. What's worse, he turned his eyes on my closest friend who never had any idea about us. At this time, the wound grew much deeper and more aching.

I keep on asking myself "what's with him that you can't get over with? It is because in your eyes he glows? you get challenged? he looks good? he makes you feel good? what?" I know it's unreasonable and absurd in the first place to have once again entertained him for the second time around but perhaps there were hanging questions I badly wanted to have answers.

I just hate the fact that he has done the same thing to me TWICE. I just hate the fact he just charges to whomever person he wants. I just hate the fact that he came back and what for? to leave just like the first?!?! I just hate the fact that I see his eyes glow as they lay on the sight of her. I just hate that she feels good whenever he does this to her. I just hate the fact that acts guilt free. I just hate the fact that he thinks were ok, that I'm ok. I hate the fact that I see him almost everyday.I just hate the fact that he uses his charm whenever he needs something from me. I hate the fact that I chose him among all the other persons to open my heart to! I hate the fact that I gave him all the chances in the world with him taking them for granted. I just hate the fact that I can't show I'm super mad at him (coz if I do, it would appear I lost) and pretend to talk to him in an "OK" manner. When in fact, I just want to burst into tears, slap his face, ignore him completely and remove all the memories I have about him.

And so that's my story. That's the end of that part of my life. His third chance will never come, and I'll make sure of it, "dahil minsan lang kitang iibigin."

My best Learning Feedback Diary Ever

2009-07-31T18:43:00.000+08:00

For this rotation (ward in MRH), I learned one of the best learnings I had as a person: separating emotions from work and maintaining a positive attitude.

The tragic news of having the exams scheduled on July 31, despite the University holiday totaly ruined my mood. Aside from the fact that I spent my 10-day vacation stress-free without books and requirements, meaning I did not bother to study, my back-up plan of spending my Wednesday and Thursday afternoons for studying was also ruined as I was reminded of our retreat scheduled on those days. Instantly, I felt so scared and troubled. The thought of the up coming exam and the lengthy coverage bothered me a lot --- I had no time to study. I totally lost the "duty mode" I was preparing myself as I woke up.

But I thought I can't do anything about it if I keep on worrying, so I settled myself and reprogramed my mood to put my focus on the work that awaits me for the day and to my patient who needed care.

Usually when I go through these disappointing moments, it is but rare for tme to smile and to return back to a possitive attitude. But I was amazed of what I was able to do, I managed to be optimistic and positve, quickly and even sustained it throughout the shift.

Because of this, work became easy and smooth, as if I wasn't bothered at all. As a result, I was able to care for my patient, I was able to complete charting, I was able to be on time for the closing of the charts ------ this is because I decided not to be unfair to my patient and include my service for him in consequence of whatever worries I had, and so I smiled.

:)

2009-07-25T19:31:00.002+08:00

I recalled as I was viewing my archives at how worried I was of that "empyt space and Video Presentation", but I am glad to say I managed to deal with my worries positively and created this video. This is just the trailer. The entire video lasted for 20 mins.

Many people liked it particularly ate barbie, whose standards I was actually trying to achieve. :) The entire experience was a learning process as well. I would want to see myself do more of this or even better, someday. I take pride at this first highly appreciated video presentation. :)

Because I've got reasons to celebrate

2009-05-21T22:28:00.005+08:00

Whew! Summer class (more like duty) is finally over! Although I really did not wish it would be over so soon, but it's nice to feel carefree and idle especially now that it's still summer break!

Over the two months of playful weather (that totally scrapped "summer"="heat" logic), I've experienced the most relaxed, idle, fun, hectic, chaotic summer of all. It wasn't the usual summer I've had where in most of my time were spend in school. I've had nights where I would bury myself with school requirements and thick old boring books, of course. But there were more nights (and days) where I would find love, fun and excitement all throughout. You see, only 3 weeks of my summer days were spent to comply with the required duty hours and in between weeks, we were given a week of break. And whom else do I spend those days with? Nobody else but my dearest friends. :)

My first taste of summer splash was that birthday treat of Gellie and Weng in Montegelo. It was my first outing for this summer and I really had a blasT! Dipping into the pool with fresh spring water as cold as ice was heaven. And what more could complete this ecstasy? The company of my barkada. It was love. It was fun. It was an adventure. However, pix are not found here. hehe. :)

Next highlight was the overnight. May 7, 2009, all the LCLC alumni were invited to join the newly baptized (what at term!) LCLC batch 5. It also served as a mini reunion in preparation of the next year's event: the first reunion of all 5 batches. (insert realizations here) It's been 3 years already since I officially (and forcibly? haha) left my high school years. I admit, the transition wasn't smooth as for me. I felt I've lost a lot as "HS brand" was officially torn from my identity and felt too afraid to embrace the new world of college life. I've had a tough time blending with the now very diverse people. I always wished I could go back to being a HS student again, over, and over. But those were the first 2 years of my being a college. Now, 3 years and counting and its enough for me to embrace the reality. When before I would shed a tear or two wishing hopelessly to turn back time, but now I can manage to look back, feel the pain a little and smile remembering those really good times. :) And that night, that LCLC reunion held on the very grounds of XUHS, I felt no pain no more. I'm glad to say I have finally moved on. :) (end realizations here.haha)

The barkada long before planned to have an overnight to catch up a little, and after LCLC socials, we were off to Eduardo's house. We had a sleepover (which is ironic because we almost did not sleep) at his place and talked all night long. Although I really tried to sleep for I had a very important school meeting the next day,(our GCP discussion) my traitor friends were victorious to keep me awake. Yet, I did not regret joining the fun even if I missed the meeting and lied to my classmates the day after. (shhh!) Catching up was really the term for there were things I've missed over the year as each of us made updates of our "ongoings." Again, it was love. It was fun. And it was also truthful. :)

The next day came and I remembered someone invited me for lunch. Guess who? Kuya! :D After 2 failed attempts of seeing him, I finally had the chance to! gosh. Although this event marked the day that Chieney made me cry for having to wait 1 freakin' hour, it also marked the day of reunion and excitement for us kuya.

It was actually in conflict with the GCP meeting and since I woke up at around 9:30 and managed to get dressed at 11 already, I felt so ashamed to take a grand entrance at our meeting and decided to ditch it anyway so as to save myself from shame and gossips. (Sorry, I lied guys. :c)

He was to fly back to manila at 5:oopm and we arrived at SM around 1pm already. It was a quick and very short visit but I really enjoyed every single moment we had. Although I felt a bit awkward at first,but I manged to brush it off after a moment. However, I really had a hard time communicating to my kuya for I couldn't identify a common topic we both can relate. I did not want to go back, remembering those HS moments because that is what I usually do and I also grew tired of it. haha. So we just laughed and smiled at what we were currently doing and made fun of the BIG halo-halo and the gayness of weng. nyaha! But good times always had its ending and when the clock striked 5 we said our jokingly but sincere goodbyes and off he went to the cab. *sigh*

Lastly, my duty mates. I said before that I really love my duty mates during the first semester. I even made a blog entry about them, only proving that they made that impact to my life so they're worth to record. :) It also hold true now that I belong to a new group with new faces, new personalities. It was just a sad reality that we only got the chance to bond during our last rotation at MRH. If only it happened earlier, we would enjoy each other's company a lot more. It's nice to know that despite this really serious and over dramatic course, there are people you would want to share the agony with. haha. That DR/OR rotation made it all possible!

and so, that's basically my summer. Simple but enriching. :)

The Craziest Thing I ever did!

2009-04-27T22:32:00.000+08:00

2:15 PM: Fresh from Hospital Duty (so I was in uniform) I saw kuya bobot (KKP FPO) at the canteen having his very late lunch. I made lambing to him so he'll libre me, and he did. I also kept bugging him on how I feel sooo miserable of not being able to join the RSLP team at Sumilao for I really wanted to go. I asked him when and what time will he join the group there, then he said around 3pm of the same day. Then the craziest idea popped out from my puny wild mind... "Kuya bo! uban ko then uli lang dayon ko! dungan lang mi ni ate barbie... pleaassseeee.... " After mumbling reasons why he should let me, he was finally convinced and so off I went to change from my uniform.

5:00 PM: the bus for sumilao left.

7:00 PM arrived at Sumilao. We were welcomed by ate barbie, kuya doodz and ven at the highway... I was so excited to see my foster family and meet my playmates (almost all the kids in Sumilao! haha) to have a lil game. To my dismay, kuya doodz kept on telling me that there will be no more bus after 8 PM. I got totally scared (FOR I STILL HAVE A DUTY THE NEXT DAY AT 7 am!!!), so I changed my mind, instead of extending till 9PM I resorted to going to the freedom hall, meet Nanay there and some of the kids... and after barely 10 mins of interaction, off I went to the waiting shed. HUHU!!!

I went to Sumilao (a 2 hour trip) just to experience a 10 minute interaction with my foster family and some of the Sumilao Kidz!!! Imagine that?!?! But the almost 15 minute stay was such a heart warming experience! What a music it was to hear the kids in Sumilao call out my name, "Ate mel. ate mel! Dula na pud tah!", sweetly knowing that they still remember me very well! And what an ecstacy it was to have hugged my nanay there after 1 year!

10 mins of interaction, 15 minutes in the land of Sumilao, an eternity of a sweet memory I will always cherish. I did not regret spending much of my time travelling just to go there even if it did cost me a lot! No amount of money could ever buy the immense feeling I felt with every second I was there... overflowing.

But I had to hurry back home for I did not ask any permission at all from my parents. They totaly had no idea I was miles and miles away from home! haha. But thankfully I got home safely, and so I immediately wrote this. I know it's worth to write and keep.

What could be more crazy than exchanging 10 minutes of interaction, to 4 hours of bus ride and a 260php immediate cut-off to a weekly savings???

Empty space

2009-04-17T21:33:00.002+08:00

Things have changed, things do change.

I've watched Stuart Little last night and the casts made mention about an empty space, a hollow being.

Lately, I've been feeling the same. It seems that the things I am doing right now are out of a routine in life. I go to school, I accomplish the requirements, I go to KKP and do volunteer work, I go home, watch TV or surf the net, I go and eat, then off to bed. Every single day, I do all these things with some +/- thrills along the way. I do not complain that much really, but it becomes tiring when the spark of life starts to burn out.

Before, I used to be thrilled with the thought of becoming a "head" of a certain project or work, but now, I avoid the very thought of it and my only reason is "kapoy man jud." Last year, I could remember at these times, I have buried myself with some photoshop edited photos and albums and be overwhelmed and proud of my work as I eagerly post them in Multiply or Friendster. But now? only about two photos I have edited, and it's not like the best. It's pretty simple and obviously without any chunks of creativity. Another proof, this blog used to be filled with thoughts and updates. Now, since last year I have posted about 10-15 entries only running for 12 months! Now how updated is that?

Here's the real problem. Currently I am assigned in the documentations committee for the Regional Service Learning Program or RSLP and we are to present a video presentation at the end of the training. It's no problem at all because I know how to edit and stuffs, but I don't really feel excited and inspired upon doing this project. Ignoring the fact that I have had failed video presentations in the past due to some unavoidable circumstances. I really want to help and I know it's nice to share my talents and skills but it seems all of my creative juices are gone! How on earth will I create a beautiful presentation then?

I'm pretty scared of this project really because I'm making this such a big deal. It sums up all the efforts I've been trying to show them during the past and if I screw up with this, what else can I give? There are younger volunteers following my line of duty and I am sure, with the next work and tasks it will be theirs... This is probably my last chance to show them what I can give, that's why I am making this thing a great deal!

And with this empty space goin' on... How will I create?

Where is everybody?

2009-04-03T09:10:00.002+08:00

For the first time in my whole existence in life, I've finally acknowledged the feeling of "loneliness." Absurd,huh? For I never really felt I was alone, until now.

Suddenly, I just got the feeling everyone's either (a) running away from me. (b) intentionally avoiding me. (c) or just getting too busy. I hope and wish it's the third option. :c

Since first year high school, I got used to being alone. It was fine with me, I enjoy doing things on my own even to the point of eating in a fast food chain alone, watching movies alone and just plain strolling around a mall. It didn't bother me. Then I reached college. I dipped myself into the pool of people and some friends. Spending time with them is undoubtedly the best. And now I got used to it. My first to third years in college confirmed that time spent with friends is truly more enjoyable than being alone. Smiles, laughs and tears never ceases to flow as we enjoy every single school days spent together. There's just so much fun and even is school kicks the hell out from our neurons, the endorphins released from total ecstatic moments spent with friends equal the tension.

But now, where is everybody? I don't seem to feel their presence anymore. Even with my barkada, things have changed. We all were very excited when summer comes because it would mean countless night outs and outings. But it seems the excitement ended, or just halted? I hope so. We don't look forward much to our "days out" and if ever we do, we're not complete.

I just miss the fun my friends used to bring into my life. I miss their company, I miss their laughs, I miss their tears. I plainly miss them.

I want overnights, I want slumber parties, I want watching movies WITH them.

Where are you? Guys, I miss you. Don't go.

Out Searching for myself

2009-03-01T14:55:00.004+08:00

I remember well the story of the A's of heart in the "Solitaire Mystery" book. She left her family to "search" for herself until by the end, she got too engrossed with the searching and completely forget who she is and the people she had in her life.

I also recall one of the meaningful themes the story "Little Prince" brings to its reader: "Never let go of the child in you."

Why am I suddenly pondering on these two characters? It's simple. I'm slowly becoming the person I am afraid these characters are referring to.

At this point in my life, there's just too much to take. I'm feeling either half full or half empty. Never really felt like all these things I am doing right now make any sense! How could it make sense when an internal voice in me asks, "what if?... you could have been doing this" and so I begin to doubt whether I am really meant for this. I flee in a desperate act to search for myself.

During my first years of being a nursing student, I always gagged over the thought of myself working in a hospital. I really hated hospitals. I really hated the thought of dying people. I hated the thought of looking at a sick person. I think, it still holds true upto now but at a lesser state. I've been exposed to a lot of areas where a nurse can possibly worked but my heart never really fell on any of them and I begin to become scared.

It's true that when your heart tells you NO, all the rest follows. It's like a commanding post secondary to the brain, who's decision comes first then to be followed by the brain in it's "to the rescue mode." You get my point? I guess not. Well, let's make it simple. Everything becomes much easier when it's the heart that leads. And right now, I don't really think its my heart that's becoming the captain of my soul. It's such a cliche to hear, "I am confused" because everyone else say and experience the same thing. But, I would like to tell it with my uttermost sincerity that inside, there's chaos and yet, everything else outside me is in order. Is that being confused already?

People who have known me know the drama of my life at how at certain point, I bled and ached a lot. That experience has taught me a lot. It made me prove that I am strong and able to bring myself up. But that experience has taught me to be sensitive too. To be sensitive without showing the pain, to put up a mask that I am alright, that I am not weak, that I have a brave heart. This keeping up has taught my heart to swallow every ounce of pain I could take to avoid others to become hurt seeing me hurt. It's like not showing them I am in pain because seeing them seeing me in pain, hurts me. So I follow a routine, a route leading to right acts. I avoid every element that could possibly hurt me. I strictly adhere to the road, avoiding distractions in every stop over I take. I never consider stepping on the brakes or to return back --- I continue on my journey, diligently. Now the sad truth is, I have become comfortable. Too comfortable with the safety and coziness of the world I live in. My mind narrowed and revolved in the kind of world I consider as an oasis. I stick to what can give me "good stuffs," I stick with what pleases me and them. I never learned to take the other route, no amount of temptation has led me out of the way... But where is happiness? where is satisfaction? where is passion? There's no more zest in the trip. There's no more roller coaster ride that gives hype to my soul. There's no more beauty in it. None. I'm afraid one day, a lost boy in a blue suite will walk by me and ask what his drawing would look like. Then I would tell him it's a hat, implying I have lost the child in me and I have become too early for an adult. What if the routine in life would transform me to the kind of person I never wish to become? How can I be able to stop it?

I don't want to become the A's of heart. I also don't want to become the adult the little prince is referring to.

When God knock at your door, He will make sure you'll notice!

2009-02-01T19:31:00.003+08:00

On such unlikely occasion, I was once again knocked by God's hands. I would like to record this on my archives so that one day, I would look back at events when my heart experienced painful-sweetness.

I was taking lunch at Cecil's. Actually, I really don't like the place and if not because of my blockmate who forced me to eat there, I would have not eaten there. Anyway, we were already finishing up our plate and started to munch on our deserts already. We were busy eating and making chikkkkaaaaaaa, then in the middle of our conversation, someone came in and stared at our plate. I did not look at the man for I thought he was staring at us... and then he then asked my classmate who was in front of me, "ma'am, dili na nah ninyo kan-on?" He was referring to the chicken my classmate ate, which was obviously been eaten and savored to the bones. Then we said, "dili nah" and he asked if he could eat the remaining meat and rice. That was the time I turned my attention at him. He immediately gathered the plate with the left-overs and as he was about to eat, one of the personnel of Cecil's approached our table and asked the person, in an unkind manner, to go outside and leave. The person attempted to beg, but it did not work and at this moments, I was just left staring at his eyes as he begged and helplessly walked outside.

What a "heart-crushing" experience that was... I was absolutely filled with guilt and total disgust of myself. I was actually complaining of the taste of my food and only ate half of what I ordered, and here is a man, desperately looking for food who asked with total humility to eat even the remains of our dish! I did not understand what I was feeling during that time. After some moments, I could no longer hold back the tears in my eyes so I asked and left the group and went to go somewhere dark and quite. That experience left me with tears falling from my eyes and with a heart that felt pain for which I have never experienced ever before. The only feeling I could identify was guilt. It was intense. It was powerful that it made me run to the comfort room and hide. The feeling was just heavy! He was very happy when we allowed him to get our left-overs, and when he was about to take a bite of his humble food, someone cut his happiness that instant. And then there I was, doing nothing! :'( I really feel bad for doing nothing... I could have stood up and stopped the man. I could have given him a descent meal and made him stay inside to eat! But what did I do? NOTHING! I allowed the personnel to throw the hungry person away!

I feel ashamed of myself. I could have done something and yet, I chose to do nothing. :( I even feel more disgusted of myself now as I am writing this! I know I have failed God. I know God is ashamed of me too. What is the use of all the formation I had throughout the years that I have engaged myself with, that when confronted with this situation, I still chose to do nothing?!?

to be continued... I could no longer think well, the feeling is back.

One day break

2009-01-26T19:53:00.003+08:00

Today, I am glad to have taken a break from all the fuzz of academic life. I just had a recollection and what a serene experience it was. :)

This year's experience is quite new because I think it is the first that I shed not even a tear. I was just plainly glad of the experience of having a break for a couple of hours from reality. What's quite interesting about this recollection is the fact that we dealt mostly of social issues and I for one is very much in to it. :) We viewed a documentary entitled "Canvas of the Society" wherein the usual last supper painting of Jesus with the 12 disciples, was modified and changed into "with the 12 impoverished children." It was a unique work of art and inline with our Humanities Studies, the art's power to bring out an Aesthetic emotion in unceasingly overpowering ---- just the instant you look, you would feel the emotions.

What really struck me most was the fact that my seatmate expressed her "shamefulness" towards her self. We discussed about sympathy and how people settle only to such state of emotion after an eye opening experience. She professed that she feels totally awful of herself because of the guilt of settling only to sympathy and never really taking any rightful actions to what she feels. She was really crying out her shame and disgust as she shared to the whole class... it was touching on my part (even if how Ironic it may be). I was moved by the fact that she was disturbed of her actions. I think this recollection was a good start for her to re-examine herself and her actions. It was beautiful seeing her cry *evil me!* because for me, it marked the start of her conversion. Shedding tears in front of a big crowd while speaking out her emotions is embarrassing as showing your weakness to the people, but the act itself is humbling. I can't fully relay why I was intensely moved by her reaction but plainly seeing her humbling action was just beautiful.

I wish, if not all, many of the people will also realize one day their "pagkukulang" to the society, to their neighbors. I wish, many will go through feeling ashamed and disgusted of themselves and reach conversion. I wish, many will have the same courage as my classmate had of speaking out her emotions to the big crowd despite embarrassment and accepting humility with it. :)

This week had a good start and I'm hoping for a more beautiful week ahead.

It feels so nice to be happy once again. It's an Ecstasy

Thousands displaced by floods in Cagayan de Oro

2009-01-04T00:15:00.001+08:00

So I ask you

2009-01-02T06:23:00.000+08:00

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... how do you show bravery when you are losing reasons to fight and you're slowly being drowned by fear?...

When Love begins to come

2008-12-26T17:33:00.000+08:00

For the record, I just had the best Christmas!

Not that I had so many gifts or what, but this is actually the first time I ever felt the 'goodness' in Christmas. I have so many reasons to make this season a much more memorable than ever before:

1.This Christmas, it's the first ever that I have given so many gifts. I never really liked giving gifts precisely because they're too expensive! haha. But because God blessed me with so much, I gave out my blessings too. :)

2. For the very first time, I have seen my family giving gifts to the needy. As in they were packing used clothing and stuffs to give to them. Imagine that! This made me feel so glad.

3. My family and I are really in good terms. Really! My sister and I are back to talking mode after 6 months, my mom and I aren't quarreling anymore, my dad and I well, we're always good. For the first time after 9 years I felt love in them.

4. I bought myself so many clothes! Ghad, I really shopped and now I love shopping!!

5. I received gifts from slightly expected persons and not so expected ones. haha.

6. I really am having fun this break! oh, yeaaah!

7. There are soooooo many foooood. ugh, *fat*

8. I had a blast with my barkada. Kringle night, love them!

there's just so much more... but I can't find the exact words to describe them. But so far, these are what my mind can speak for now, but truly, my heart feels more. It's like I can now die now that I have felt this kind of happiness. haha. lovin' it, hard core!

Weeee!!!

2008-12-14T07:00:00.000+08:00

On dates December 5-8, Beki, Ernie, Maki and I were blessed by a rare opportunity to fly to Manila for free. :) Our main goal there was to attend a Congress. KKP sent us there to represent Xavier. The whole congress was an experience worth to be reflected upon. It's like it gave me a chance to see how noble it is to choose simplicity and serve the poor and what an important task it is to do authentic service. :)

But, going to manila won't be complete without meeting close friends and making laag. This part, made everything worth it. Sleepless nights were nothing compared to the fun and exuberant moments spent with these people. I love the whole experience! ^_^

uhm, first and foremost. NAKATUNOB NAKO SA ADMU! ahahahaha. and take note, for free pah! weee. Si beki, ernie, maki and ako, tanan first timers... haha. I took this photo. Shot sa Hesu. Timing pa jud na atong night, ni abot ang mga Calatagan farmers.. Murag Sumilao version sa Luzon. :) Advocate pud si Chieney nila!

Ugh, this place, this very place. On the second night, Chieney, Cathy and Fr.Xrysz visited us and brought us to this place. Gosh, that place is so sweet! haha. :p Ernie and beki could attest to this. They had their choice of sweet almost exclusively for themselves! Uhm, lami ayo mga deserts dani. @_@

Here's the photo of the group. Reunion gallore kaayo. Cge lang mi katawaha. and take note, kami ang pinaka saba sa ubos, maski wala mi nangahubog. haha

Then after which, we went to a place called Xocolat. And it serves by its name. That place is full of chocolate. as in FULL of chocolate. From drinks to food, grabeh! Nahubog jud si maki sa chocolate. haha. After that experience, all of us (maki, beki, ton and ako) don't want to eat any food that has chocolates in or on it. Ugh, napura jud mi! haha. :)

and the reason behind all this laag. That Congress held inside admu. This is the photo of the participants. From expected 25 participants to more than 50! haha. Lugi jud kaayo ang sponsors ani, for sure. :) Thanks to the sponsors, kami 4 nakatunob ug admu. haha. :)

And here's the proof that beki's a hardcore drinker. Joke! haahaha. But beki liked the taste of this drink. She drank around 1 3/4 of a tumbler. Take note: this is the first time she engulfed rhum and gin, so yeah. She got tipsy and fell on the ground. Diba jom??? ahhahahaha. :) *peace bek*

On the third day, dada made libre here!!! We also saw his gf Camilla, she's so buotan and pweety! :) Uhm, Their food here is so yummy. :) You will love chinese food. haha. Thank you da for the libre! yummy. see you soon! ^_^ And weeee! the oh so famour MOA, finally naka sulod na jud mi. Though murag taman ra mi first building nagsuroy-suroy. haha. :)

And of course, the most awaited moment that kept me excited until that moment came to happen----> seeing my kuya after 3 years! ahaha. He's still the same, bataot gihapon! Thanks for staying after I made that drama. haha. :p

So that was our manila experience. We got to see jomi, yeye, chieney, father xrysz, cathy and dada. Murag HS reunion, so murag we had our XUHS alumni home coming version dadto. hahaha. Thanks to the people who made our stay there super fun and memorable! :)

Welcome back and Good-bye

2008-11-10T17:29:00.003+08:00

This week's been a hell of a ride. I've been to soooooo much already. May it be academics, co-curricular and generally life itself. Gosh, it seems at this point, everything is on a fast pace. I have to rush everyday to finish requirements in school, prepare for a long test or quiz, comply to some readings, prepare for a return demonstration and pack up for Davao!!
This saturday, after our long test, we will be leaving to Davao for our psych affiliation. I've been there already... (as you may see, I made this one and a half year ago) so it doesn't make me excited or what. I am actually worried. Many say their average sleep there is just about 3 hours. 3 hours?? how on earth would I be able to survive such? I am a sleepy head you know. Sleeping is one thing I would not give-up. How much more to endure through it for 2 weeks? gosh. Anyway, I am very much eager to see and hear the stories of the patient there. I would want to be assigned to a patient whose life story would really let me fall into my knees and weep. (haha. Over) But seriously, they say after the orientation part where all the fears just suddenly come gushing, the empathy towards them would slowly fill in. I would love to experience that. That's why I am thinking of really documenting my experience their. Like, make a journal or something. I'm still thinking. :)

Anyway, as always I am not happy with my life again. Errrr... I just can't get this bug between me and my family fixed! Just yesterday and the other night, I cried myself to sleep hearing my mother again talking about how "unlucky" she is to have me as her daughter. It's like she's cursing me I lived. God knows how much I really want to die peacefully. Haaayzzz.. if suicide isn't just a sin, I would have long died. (ooopppss) But I think I have out grown that thought for now. It may be a sweet escape, but I still have dreams to achieve and lives to save. :)

Even if my family thinks I am a jerk and the whole of me is evil, I still believe that there's still an element of goodness in me. :)

bye for now! off to Davao!

If you have something to say, say it!

2008-09-25T19:31:00.002+08:00

I don't know if this feeling right now is rightful to be recognized. It seems like I am losing my loyalty to one of my loved organization (in this case, my ONLY org for college life.)

I feel like slowly I am losing my work THERE. As in slowly (and perhaps silently!) they are covering anything that I could do for the office in behalf of another person. It's like undressing me of my responsibilities in the office. I don't know if this unusual feeling I have is true (I hope it's not), but I am really not liking what I am discovering lately. It even makes this suspicion more severe as I deal with those "cover-up" persons almost all the days of my school life. errrr....

I just don't like it when people could not courageously say what they have to say. I don't have problems if they don't want me to do the things I was suppose to do, they can freely tell me that this person is much better with this and that, and that he/she performs more effectively... blah. blah. blah. It's better to be cruely honest than be silent liers!

I could not confine this anger right now since I have been loyal to my organization and discovering such fraud and injustice (for which this office has been built to fight against) is just too much of what I can imagine... never thought they could have the guts to do this. I am very much mad right now and currently I am thinking of quiting... or maybe not. I'll wait for that ultimate signal then I will have no second thoughts of leaving.

I surely hope I am entirely wrong!

state: really smokin' mad!

Just a quick update

2008-09-11T15:32:00.002+08:00

I've been very busy lately, complying to all the requirements for duty and exams and long tests here and there. @_@ I'm gonna get crazy if this madness runs for more after the semi-final exams.

Speaking of which, I should be studyin right now for our RLE exam tomorrow but hey, what am I doing? surfing the net as if there is no exam. haha. (Forgive me, I'm so fed up reading stuffs. I think I'm gonna puke and I still have 3 more chapters to read. ugh) I really have to go good this time. It's the only term I can pull myself up since there will only be a few topics as compared to the finals where in it's COMPREHENSIVE! gosh... all the concepts? gosh.

About my nursing life, I am enjoying it more often than before. This week, I was assigned to 3 young babies who were undeniably cute! The first one was a girl and the next was that oh so cute foreigner-like-but-no-foreign blood baby boy. But my last patient was a bit grumpy due to some dehydration status. But nonetheless, I was still able to make him smile by the end of my shift. Gosh, I just love my assigned patients for this rotation. They were all so very cute!!! eeeekkk!! I just love children. :)

Here's a photo during out last rotation for Oro Doctors Hospital. We look so happy and cute and nur-es looking. hahaha. XD

find me. ^_^

I have so many things to do but I also have so many thing I WANT to do. ugh. Haaayzzz.. time, if only you can be bought. I would trade an amount for some spare time. geesssh.

Pls help me pray to do good in all my exams. I really need to do good this time... No more extra time to pull myself up.
Tisk.

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On the other hand, My barkada and I have not been together for long now and I really do miss them so much. It's like we are all busy with our own endeavors in life. Hmph! hopefully no secrets are being kept from each other... hehehe. :D

And I also miss my kkp fwends so much! I miss those kwek2x nights, siomai nights, late night laags to the apartment of kuya donot, late night movies, eat out somewhere cheap and those long but rather short chikka moments when we just burst out into laughters over little corney jokes or stuffs. :) haaaayzzz... I miss them all.

Lately, I've been really having bad days. Bad days in a sense that I just feel like something is missing and I don't know what. Maybe because I miss the company of my friends. I've been spending most of my laag nights with my bestfriend. Not that it's bad but I just miss the times when almost all of my kkp friends spend time together. I could attest to the statement, the more the merrier. :)

until the next update. :)

I'm planning to do a photoshop edit by my next post. I soo miss photoshop and blogging.

ciao!

Money

2008-08-21T07:54:00.004+08:00

This post might be too materialistic in it's nature but what can I do? Sometimes I do feel the want and sometimes, need for such things.

One day, I really dream to be able to buy the things I want and need without bothering thinking of 'how much money do I have?' Sometimes, it becomes such a tiring ritual suppressing the desire to acquire something knowing I only have a few pennies left. I keep on wondering how come other students at the same age of mine or even younger are able to acquire really expensive gadgets and techy stuffs without having to worry of its money worth. I am not saying I am jealous of the kind of life that they have, but I sure do wish I also have that chance to experience the same. But I think this won't happen if I wont make it happen. My family live in an average lifestyle and sometimes we experience money shortage once in a while. My parents can't afford even to buy me a new phone. I'd have to compensate 50% of the money used to buy my choice of phone and the ending? either the phone will be broken or lost.

Seeing my friends experience luxurious activities and most are fantasies of mine keeps me motivated to really work hard on my responsibility as a student. At this point, the only way I could think of pulling myself from such shortage is to have a really good-paying job. I really, really want to enjoy the things I want for which money can buy, not that this would define my happiness but it would maybe bring me closer to it.

There are so many things I would want to have right now, but I am left with dealing with satisfaction of the things I already have. I am not deprived of my basic needs really, but I never also experienced to have so much.

I admire families who managed to soar really high and attaining wealth more than what they have imagined. I sure do hope I could add up to the archives of their stories one day. I wish, one day I'll be rich. Conversely, I feels sorry for those who suddenly lost everything they have and lived comfortably with. Dealing with the feeling of close to deprivation is not easy really.

I really want to have these things one day:

Good working cellphone with basic features of non-VGA camera, blue tooth, mp3, radio and high memory most preferably samsung.
Laptop/notebook
DSLR camera with powerful lenses.
iPod video nano
A wardrobe full of diverse collection of clothing, shoes, bags and the like.
A wide bedroom. (although my room right now is enough. ^_^)

Until that "one day" will happen, I will still continue working, hoping, and dreaming.

So I admit it, I am Jealous!

2008-07-24T21:14:00.003+08:00

Ok fine, I could not contain the raging emotions no more. I admit it! I am jealous!!!

Jealous of what? jealous of DSLR camera. (Sh*t! haha)

Ever since high school, I always envied anyone who owned a DSLR camera. I really want one for me. :c And now that I am in college, there are more people owning DSLR cameras, meaning more people to envy (errrr... samuk!) All the more that one of my close friends owns one... I totally am madly and crazily jealous of her camera. Seeing her shoot photos of things and people is slowing killing me inside. Although (as feeler as I am. haha) I may say that I will be able to get more beautiful shots than she does, the thing is... I DO NOT OWN ANY DSLR CAMERA!!! (no offense my dear, eventually I know you will be way better than me.) So right now I am trying to deal with this jealousy by comforting myself that one day, by the time I shall be having my own salary, my first goal would be to buy a DSLR camera. Even if it would be after school years, I will still satisfy this debilitating economical deprivation drama. haaayzzz... so much about my passion and desire. sheeezzz!!!

And some updates about my nursing life? Well, I also admit I think I am on the right road already. The lessons were not as heavy as how I viewed it to be. Although it isn't really THAT easy and THAT hard, but so long as I will labor diligently, I can pass through this and perhaps, enjoy my clinical experience too. Oh! oh! We will be starting our duty this Monday!! (weee!) hmm... unfortunately, I am assigned in the community pah. So that means, the real clinical exposure would still be 2 weeks after. I am kinda excited to be on duty actually. I love the idea of witnessing actual labor process, rendering care and support to the patient and hmmm... handling really cute babies in NICU? haha. I just can't wait! :) However, I am really having a difficult time with my one subject. It's really hard, and I mean REALLY HARD! It's pharmacology. It deals with all the drugs in the world that has been discovered. We have to study every drug and remember its adverse effects and interventions. My ghad! hello?!?! there are THOUSANDS OF DRUGS in the world!!! huhuhu. I really think I can't manage this. huhuhu. We just had our exam last Saturday and I tell you, I am 100% sure that I failed that exam. I am absolutely sure! The drugs that were mentioned in the exam were all alien. I could not even classify then as whether they were antibacterial, anti fungal, neoplastic drugs and anti helminthic. haha. haaayzz... Lord, have mercy.

But above all, I am quite enjoying this phase of my life although there are some imperfections along the way like family problems and stuffs, but I think I got used to this so hopefully, it would no longer be a biggie.

I just want to focus on getting myself employed soon so I could get that DSLR by myself. :)

Wishing to be high!

2008-07-22T22:49:00.002+08:00

And so I lie silent and deep...

Reflecting upon life:

Lesson #1: You can learn to love. Love isn't an innate action of a person. It has to be well grounded from trust and eventually, understanding and appreciation. Loving someone or something entails total openness to the absolute possibility of the what if and what if not. It takes great courage, even more, to try to love with only the hope of "eventually, I will learn."

Lesson #2: You can make things happen. A person has an enormous freedom and freewill to choose his path. Despite the outside factors and stressors, one can make things happen if he wills to do so and exerts, with great intensity, his effort upon making things possible. The secret? self understanding and self control.

Lesson #3: You can choose to be happy. Happiness as many would claim is not an emotion, but a choice. To choose to be happy is allowing yourself to embrace the world and its ordeals despite its imperfection, frustrations and incompatibilities. To choose to be happy is directing yourself towards more light and profound road everyday of your life. There's got to be more to life than bitterness and frustrations. Never forget that you only have one chance, one slim chance to live your life to its fullest and every action contributes to your destination. You can always chose your actions.

Lesson #4: People change. Through the years, experiences of either good or bad, pains, love, everything every person will experience in his life will be the very ingredients towards molding himself/herself to what he/she would be in the long run. However, there are really some people who wait for a major event until they allow themselves to change. They wait until a heart-pounding wound and pain would embrace their lives and make it miserable and by that time, recovery is but late and slow... and the pain? beyond fathomable comprehension.

Lesson #5: People change, especially when they get hurt. 'Tis perhaps is the reason why good old friends bringing their relationship to the next level end up to be strangers after heartaches.

Lesson #6. It will always be hard to pretend. Pretending is such a phony game. It's a losers haven, cowards battle ground. Stop pretending if you are right now. There's no way out, but admitting it yourself. It is a virus that slowly kills your from the inside and too late to cure when it reaches your sight.

These are just a few of the lessons I learned after how many days of encountering with ordinary people, friends. Experience that have kept me alert of my undertakings and allowed me to comprehend smoothly the situations that surrounds me every single day. I am glad, I am starting to reconnect with myself---- self awareness.

Adulthood.

2008-07-06T16:00:00.000+08:00

I've been a counselor slash a friend to most of my friends lately. Being a listener of their grievances however permits me to feel their feelings and dwell on their situation.The intensity of their experiences and the heavy emotions they feel is just beyond what I could almost imagine. It isn't as heavy as it is, but knowing that all the while these things have been happening everyday of their lives! They manage to tolerate such unfathomable hidden hostility that surrounds them every single day... and not knowing the feeling is mutual. It hurts me greatly to listen to their stories knowing I could just offer a little of help for the situation does not involve me and I mean, LEGALLY, should not involve me.

However, the opportunity gives me the chance to reflect on the reality of life viewing it in a magnified pre-adult and adult perspective. I realized adult life isn't as exciting as what I expected it to be or have I generalized it too much? Working with people you barely know and who barely knows you has a great challenge of trying to balance professionalism and personal matters. One has to try to understand things, personalities, attitudes, personal preferences of another. Actually, all these these things I have mentioned are already practiced in an everyday ordinary people-encounters. It should and MUST be mastered by most, if not all, as one progresses to adulthood. But what an ironic event it is because it seem, as one becomes old, one's perspective becomes narrow and just views things in his/her own point-of-view. It dismays me to know this reality for I expect much from my oldie friends. Sometimes, (and pardon me) I feel, I think more adult-like as compared to them. haha. The problem with them actually, is they fail to find reasons why people act such way. They don't find time to try to understand things. They rush so much about their obligations and fail to appreciate their surroundings or fail to pause and just have a friendly talk.

I wish won't be like this when I start to work. I wish, I will be able to manage different personalities and maintain a good working environment. Being a kid is not at all bad... I hope when I start to grow, I'll never forget the child in me. And I pray, that someday, "they" will ignite that child-like heart they once had.

Adulthood.

2008-07-06T15:58:00.000+08:00

Ranting before Class starts!

2008-06-08T16:32:00.000+08:00

Blah,,, blah... blah.. and so let me talk.

One day more and school's gonna be back. My, oh my... back to those late-bed-time nights and spend time with books rather than computer, tv, or friends. So nerdish! Well what can I do? studying nursing stuffs is not at all easy you know, and let me repeat that, IT'S NOT AT ALL EASY YOU KNOW!

Just this very moment, I feel really scared, wondering might happen to me this coming semester. Will it be easy or will it be hard? If it be hard, will I surpass such hardship? Will I make it? uwaaah. I don't know. Am scared! But right now, I am still considering all the stories I heard from the higher years as a challenge on my part and I always put this thought in my mind, "if they made it, why can't I?" Why can't I, right? I can do this! (go mel! cheer yourself! haha)

Perhaps I would not put so much attention the pressure my parents are putting on to me. It will just stress me all the more! I would want to focus my attention on the kind of work I have... the service I shall be giving to people, the opportunity to render care. (naks!) But seriously, if not for this very reason, I would have loooong been gone from the college of nursing. Somehow, the very thought of being a health care persona inspires me to continue on with this heavy endeavor. Yikes! Well, all I really want in life is to help... And this undertaking somehow guides me to that.

But still, I cannot deny the fact that I am a bit forced of taking up nursing, and I am really scared of the subjects I will be taking and the grades I shall be receiving on those. I kinda have this phobia, fear of getting low grades... and honestly, I do not know how to handle such situations because as what I have noticed, I would fall completely silent for the entire day and suddenly become emotional when I know I got a low rank. (and as if I really study a lot!) It's like I experience this sudden shift of emotion when dealing with grades. gaaah.. perhaps I've been influenced so much of the pressure my parents are constantly putting on me plus ALL OTHER FACTORS INCLUDED. If only life was easier...

uhm, how do I get rid of this scared feeling?

My Ballot experience

2008-05-28T14:38:00.000+08:00

Last May 28, 2008, at such an early ear-bugling moment, (2am) I, together with Beki, Aljohn, Kuya doodz, and Kuya jet, ate ballot and Penoy. Actually, only Kuya Jet and I ate ballot, the rest ate Penoy. I told Kuya Jet I wanted to eat ballot on one of our night laag/libre. It so happened during the Lumbia Kids' Summer Camp a ballot vendor came to cross our road. And since we were so darn interrupted of our sleep because of those "feeling-nice-voice-drunk-people" who took the microphone and rented the videoke machine up until 3 am, I bugged Kuya jet and others to take a break from trying to sleep and eat ballot or penoy instead. My convincing power is still good and within minutes, we were all eating.

I asked Kuya jet to teach me how to eat ballot. He first instructed me not to look at the inside and to partially open the shell and place a little bit salt. I followed as instructed but added vinegar. He then said I had to sip the juice. It tasted weird, a bit rotten and a bit not, I really can't comprehen what it tasted like. Then I slowly opened it half way. Kuya jet finished his ballot first, as I was struggling to gulp the huge chunk. I placed vinegar (a lot) and gulped/sipped the ballot. With in seconds, I coughed out the juice I sipped and to think, kuya jet was infront of me! I spitted out the vinegar and the remaining juice on kuya jet's hand because my throat can't stand the acidity of the vinegar! *(waaah! sorry kuya jet)* After which, I ate the entire chunk. It tasted like a normal egg. I didn't feel any feather or head at all. Maybe the egg that I chose was not that old or something although I am pretty much sure there was a black portion inside, I am just not sure if it was the chick.

The experience was nice and memorable. I had to spit on someone's hand to learn how to eat. (nyaha! ) Above it all, I am proud to say I ATE A BALLOT AND IT TASTED GOOD! thanks to Beki, Aljohn, Kuya doodz, and of course Kuya jet for accompanying me on this remarkable moment. haha

I'm alive, alert, awake, enthusiastic!

2008-05-11T22:00:00.004+08:00

(sounds of crickets just stopped)

hahaha. It's been centuries since I last posted a real entry here. (exage) Nyahahahhaha!! I'm currently writing this as I struggle to cram into my head 21 theories about nursing for which we will be having an exam tomorrow! Right now, my head is aching really hard and my eyes are oh so tired... I need sleep but I must not. I need to review the theories for this exam is a one shot deal. I can't afford to mess-up. x_x

so what's up with me? hmmm... let's begin with studies. I'm an incoming third year student in nursing which means, instead of using AHSE as my course, it's now BSN. (weee!!) I'm having summer class (this week is our finals.) And I am super having a hard time coping with my RLE subject for I am getting low grades, I almost failed our final exams and I don't know what my current standing is. x_x Although I am a bit confident I will not fail, but for sure I will be receiving really low grades. (For which I am preparing myself? :D) Oh gosh, please pray for me. :c Then with my extra curricular activities, I am proud to say, I am highly active in KKP despite of my busy schedule and my demanding subjects. (*smug*) I'm starting to love my responsibilities in KKP. It's really different from LCLC as it's primary focus is social action, contribution and promotion. I realized, this is more of what I want and where I can do more. I love getting involved! With regards to my personal life, it's getting much complicated more and more. Although I am really glad that there's no major problem going on, but some minor unwanted events are happening still. Currently, I am concerned of the on-going increase of the number of "guys" I have hurt. I am trapped on staying to what I was 2 years ago, for every time I attempt to dress-up well and "lady-like", I sorta... kinda... attract "their" attention. I still am not ready for those stuffs really. I don't know why I am not ready but there's only one reason I could ultimately identify. That is, "I don't want to put a limit to myself." This is perhaps the greatest force stopping me from recognizing their efforts and their being. But I really am happy of what I am right now. :) And aside from that side of me, I'm finding new and wide range of friends because of KKP. I'm really enjoying my involvements there... It keeps the burning passion in me, and all the more I would want to consider a religious life. (eeekk!)

So that's pretty much what's going on with me. :) Life currently is stable and fine. It's manageable and exciting at the same time. I'm really glad I joined that immersion in Sumilao for that experience changed my definition of being happy. (I do wish and hope I will be able to find time to post an entry about my Sumilao experience. I've got a lot to share! time permits. :D)

till next post. (as if someone really visits my blog. haha)

If your are wondering why, take a look and you will understand...

2008-05-04T14:13:00.000+08:00

you have been taged! thank you for opening. haha. before I begin, I tag every person who opened this blog entry. (I can see you, you know) so you can't escape. Don't worry, I shall be sending a personal message to you informing you that you were tagged. hihi. ^_^

Recall your childhood memories and list down 12 events that remind you of your childhood days.

12. Eating gummy bears and popping candies remind me of how I used to sneak these stuffs into our cart when we went to the grocery store when I was a kid and my mom wouldn't notice it. (sometimes. hehe)

11. Playing street games with the children in sumilao especially during late afternoons reminds me of my "appointments" every after school back in my elementary days. haha

10. I still watch cartoons. Nickelodeon, Disney, and Cartoon Network.

9. Jellyace. Haha. I've always loved these when I was a kid and upto now, I still find ways to eat this kind of food.

8. Plainly observing children and how they deal with the things that they do tickles the child in me.

7. I still do baby talk. I all the more do baby talk when someone communicates with me in the same manner.

6. Drinking milk before bed time. Although I could remember how I hated milk when I was a kid, it somehow tells me "how I wish I had this kind of milk." I had formula milk, it wasn't that enticing.. hehe.

5. junk foods! I remember how my mom scolds me for I would prefer junk foods over a proper meal. hehe

4. Disney music. hearing them all brings back the child in me.

3. Playing sports. I love/loved sports. I was a jack of all trade master of none back then... haha.

2. I have so many bedroom buddies. These stuff toy to small pillows to power puff pillow cases and bed sheets. haha. My room is like a room of a 10 year old kid. ;p

1. Having "kuyas". You see, I had a friend when I was still a kid who much like portrayed the role of being my kuya. (I have no real kuya). We would tickle each other as we lie in bed, he would lift me up and together we imagine that I am super(wo)man, we would chase each other around their house and he would pick-up fruits for me to eat up in a tree. Perhaps this explains my fixation to having a big brother.. ^_^

remember, you have been tagged!

OUT!

2008-03-23T16:39:00.000+08:00

I'm on

-I- IMMERSION MODE -I-

weeee!!! finally, I can taste true immersion feeling. Not just some weekend get away and the like. This time, I will be staying in the area (sumilao, bukidnon, i think) for 5 days. ALONE! whew! what a challenge this would be.. hmmmm.. :P But nevertheless, I am happy I am part of this Immersion Program of the KKP and perhaps, this would be my last major involvement.. (huhu. I hate my course.)

So starting from March 24- April 2, I will be on hiatus from the cyber world. I shall be posting about my experience soon (hopefully) . The actual immersion days would number only up to five, and the rest are spent for BOS (2 days) and SYNTHESIS (3 days).

I really am not quite sure of what I feel right now... It's not excitement, that's for sure. Or maybe, not yet. I don't know. All I know is that, I HAVE TO WAKE UP EARLY TOMORROW! This is going to be a problem for me... since... uhmm... I wake up at around 11 a.m... OH NO.

Wish and pray for our safety guys! ;)

I've never been this broke!

2008-03-19T18:40:00.000+08:00

YES. you heard it right. I AM BROKE. (not broken BUT BROKE!) I don't have money!! :( huhuhuhu. I don't understand why my savings were all gone. I was quite sure I saved an ample amount of money enough to make laag but darn! All of them were i-don't-know-where! I have never been so broke ever. Right now, I only have 70php (and no reserves). I am panicking over the thought of it because usually, I have at least a hundred (and still has reserves). Maybe its a hint for me to realize I have gone out more often? Or I spend so much? Or are prices of commodities been rising, especially fair? (I would like to accept the third theory.hehe) I just hate it. I am broke, I don't have any load and I still have some debts to pay! (125php to be exact.) Gaaaaahh... I am really fasting, fasting from money, that is! ^_^ And if you guys are suggesting for a summer Job, well I have summer classes so I shouldn't look for a job. Now I understand why people who barely have money in life get so agitated easily. Indeed, somehow you lose your sense of peacefulness and security knowing that your money at hand is oh so limited. For the second time around, economical awareness has ringed it's bell to me hoping that I would be more conservative of it, find its importance and value it like it is really limited, because it is indeed limited!

To sum this all up, I need money... BADLY NEED money... huhuhu.

Lumbia

2008-03-11T12:21:00.006+08:00

For the past month, I was busy preparing for the PEACE project concert of KKP-SIP featuring the scholars of Xavier University in Lumbia, CDO. I was assigned to make a video and to take pictures of the people there. (no wonder, I have so many stuffs here. hehe) The photos were enhanced. (if only I had SLR cam...hmmmm)

The whole experience was awesome! I love the sight of the children smiling right before the camera even though they live in an impoverished world. They seem to be happy and satisfied of the little that they have. Then here I am, living well... but still complaining! I pledge guilty of being too materialistic and too luxurious about life... gaaaah... I must be exposed more to this kind of environment. I should be really thankful of my state right now... There are many who wish they were in my world.

Here's the video (which failed to play on the actual concert! huhuhuhuhuhuhu. :c) I made:

Here are the photos taken in Lumbia. There are more photos in my multiply account.

Lumbia PEACE choir (they did a really good job!)

The children in Lumbia

Just look at his smile. ;)

What's the matter?

2008-02-21T15:12:00.000+08:00

There have been a lot. and I mean A LOT OF PEOPLE who has been telling me to express whatever heavy emotions I feel and atleast have someome to share it with. You know, as what they call, "healthy way of handling things."

Nabungol na jud ko sa ilang mga encouragements and so now, I am able to talk to some selected people, atleast.

And now that I am talking, it seems that they DO NOT WANT TO LISTEN. or they would resort to telling me, "basin ma-unsa na pud ka ha. lisud bya ka i-handle."

Samuk. unsa man jud diay ang gusto ninyo? I thought "healthy way of handling things" and now that I am doing it, you all have lost your interest and encouragements for me to talk to people!

I just don't get your point. Simple and plain as that.

Now that I am actually doing what is ought for me to do, it's now that I feel I have done something wrong.

Pwede po ba?

2008-02-13T19:56:00.002+08:00

Hind ako nasasaktan sa anu mang paninira na ibinabato sa akin. Hindi rin ako nasasaktan sa kung ano man ang iyong pagtigning sa akin. Nasasaktan ako sa mga taong naniniwala sa mga paninira, pangungutya at pagda-doubt sa akin.

Tama na. Tigilan nyo na. Hindi ko rin naman kayo ina-ano. Bakit ba ganya na lang kayong lahat parati? Ano ba ang nagawa ko na ako na lang parati ang pinag didiskitahan nyo?

Hindi nyo ako fully ma-iintindihan dahil hindi nyo alam kung ano ang aking pinagdaanan. Hindi ko naman kayo hinihingi na intindihin nyo ako. Ang hininhiling ko lang ay sana magtanong kayo kung bakit. Bakit? bakit? bakit?

At siguro sa pagtatanong na iyan, matauhan kayo.

At times when I wish otherwise...

2008-01-28T14:45:00.000+08:00

I wish I were deaf,
so I could use my senses superbly.
I wish I were blind,
so I could appreciate more of what I do not see.
I wish I were mute,
so no words I speak are unkind.
I wish I were nearing death,
so I would live my life as if it were my last.

I wish I were a man,
so none would see me as fragile.
I wish I were brilliant,
so I wouldn't have to put so much pressure on me.
I wish I were a poet,
so my sadness would become verses.
I wish I were a song writer,
so my tears would be every song I'd sing.

I wish I were poor,
so I would appreciate what I have now.
I wish I were disabled,
so I would use all of me productively now.
I wish I were hurt (physically),
so my heart's pain now be shadowed by it.
I wish I were crazy,
so that they'd see what I think now have meaning and sense.

I wish I were happy,
stable enough to understand things,
I wish I felt peace,
so I can radiate peace to many others.
I wish I were loved,
so love would be my source of every strength have.
And Lastly,
I wish I could just be me,
so I'd be more proud of myself.

Wish List

2008-01-08T21:55:00.000+08:00

I know it's really late to make a wish list. Christmas and New Year's eve is over but I coud not really remember that I made even a single wish during the Christmas break. :D So I'm gonna make one now...

Non-material wishes

I wish...

To visit Baguio
To attend a Live concert of Bukas Palad. :D
To spend exactly 24 hours with dearest loved friends.
Star gazing by the seashore. (again)
24 hour worry free day.
A guy would sing to me a beautiful love song (to the point that I shall cry. haha)
Be in a butterfly garden
Go on a 30 day retreat? (haha)
At least one of my dreams would come true this year.
Sing in a wedding ceremony or ordinary mass.
BE FREE

Material wishes.

I wish...

Cellphone! (argh!)
SLR camera
Laptop
Puppy! (considered as material ba? :P)
House DVD (all season! :D)

... And I can no longer make the list longer... haha.

I hope some time in my life, my wishes will be granted. :D

Peculiar

2007-12-30T22:09:00.000+08:00

During the two instances I went out of house, some strange and wonderful things happened.

The first time I went out, I spent it with my friends. I had a very smooth talk with Chieney. We talked a lot. I missed her, actually and I really liked the stories she shared. It made me feel a bit light and comfortable. I loved her company. After such, the barkada had an exchange gift. We met at ketkai, picked-up our Kringle and was given an hour to buy the gift. We met after an hour and went to mcdo. We didn't exchanged yet. We just ate and photos were taken. M2 was our next destination. We exchanged our gifts there. I got the cute pink butterfly chain from maki. I like it. It's so simple and so me. Then after 2 hours of nonstop singing, we rushed to star mart and spent the rest of the remaining time there. It rained really hard and it was getting late. I told my dad I was going to spend the night with my classmate, Gellie. I was allowed. 11:30pm that was when Chieney was picked up by her mom. Majority of our friends went with her, only Weng, Gellie and moi were left. Weng was waiting for HER sundo, so we decided to stay with HER. We were already soaking wet. So I blurted out one crazy idea---take a bath under the rain. They were hypnotized that they joined me. It was one crazy thing I have even done in my life. I was wet under the rain at the streets, dancing crazily and singing as if I didn't care. I liked the feeling. I felt free for once. I didn't feel guilty or anything. It felt great. So much for my crazy thoughts, dinamay ko pa ang dalawa sa mga kaibigan ko. But a part of me tells me that they should be greatful for they might not be able to do the same thing again and their lucky I was there to bring out the child lurking inside their hearts. Then, I went to Gellie's place. Her siblings welcomed me. I admire their bond as brothers and sisters. They were all playing together as if they saw no boundaries for example, age. Something in me wished to have similar experience but I puffed it out of my thought and just enjoyed the night. We played cards 'till 4 am. It was one night (or morning) I will never forget. For a glimpse of time, I felt I was part of happy family. Although I knew I was the only one thinking about it.

The second time, I went out to buy gifts for my RLE seatnate. We agreed to exchange gifts when the class resumes. I was blessed to have landed on a store with really cheap but beautiful stuffs. I bought a lot of things and they were really cute. I'm quite sure she will like what I'll be giving her. Then I rushed to Xavier to attend my very first mass after weeks of denying God's presence. To my surprise, I met Tara along the way! It was funny actually, she was jumping with joy and I was practically surprised with both seeing her, and her jumping around. hehe. She was alone too, which made the encounter much enjoyable. We attended mass together and shared how we're both amazed over that thought that we saw each other in a very unexpected manner. We talked a bit after the mass and I gave her something I bought at the store. It was white, to remind her of me---(she calls me whitey, I call her blackie). I thank God for the chance of spending time with her. I missed her too, you know. Then just a few hours ago, I chatted with kuya bobot. I did not intend to chat with him in a serious manner but it turned out a bit serious... (haha. so much for my trying). I asked him a few questions. The first was, "was there anything weird or interesting happened to you today?" and yes, there really was. (it's something I should keep for myself na lang :D). Then another question...

Mellany Almen Hugo (12/30/2007 9:15:22 PM): this question is just a question ok?
Bo (12/30/2007 9:15:32 PM): oks
Mellany Almen Hugo (12/30/2007 9:15:35 PM): I am planning to ask a lot more people about this..
Mellany Almen Hugo (12/30/2007 9:15:41 PM): so don't be scared or what..
Bo (12/30/2007 9:15:42 PM): oks
Mellany Almen Hugo (12/30/2007 9:16:15 PM): what do you think about me as a person? like, am I childish, deep, pathetic, loser, etc.
Bo (12/30/2007 9:17:01 PM): (not in a romantic way)... i like you.
Mellany Almen Hugo (12/30/2007 9:17:19 PM): neeeeh.. i want a concrete answer kuya.
Mellany Almen Hugo (12/30/2007 9:17:33 PM): what is in me that you hate and like or whatever
Mellany Almen Hugo (12/30/2007 9:17:35 PM): hehe
Bo (12/30/2007 9:17:46 PM): madasigon
Bo (12/30/2007 9:17:55 PM): you always want something to do
Bo (12/30/2007 9:18:08 PM): i mean you always want to help
Bo (12/30/2007 9:18:18 PM): which means you are never pathetic
Bo (12/30/2007 9:18:41 PM): you are cheerful (most especially before pa nawala imo cellphone)
Mellany Almen Hugo (12/30/2007 9:18:57 PM): yeah. haha.
Bo (12/30/2007 9:19:08 PM): you make me smile a lot
Mellany Almen Hugo (12/30/2007 9:19:09 PM): I miss that side of me, actually
Mellany Almen Hugo (12/30/2007 9:19:33 PM): i like it when I get to leave a smile on anybody''s face..
Bo (12/30/2007 9:19:40 PM): and...
Mellany Almen Hugo (12/30/2007 9:19:46 PM): and...
Bo (12/30/2007 9:19:50 PM): i think you are a good friend
Bo (12/30/2007 9:19:58 PM): to tonton and beki
Bo (12/30/2007 9:20:09 PM): ed and even maki, though mura mo ug iring ug iro
Bo (12/30/2007 9:20:10 PM): hahaha
Mellany Almen Hugo (12/30/2007 9:20:17 PM):
Mellany Almen Hugo (12/30/2007 9:20:26 PM): thank you. hehe.
Mellany Almen Hugo (12/30/2007 9:20:43 PM): you said good stuffs.. i want to hear the negative ones..
Mellany Almen Hugo (12/30/2007 9:20:53 PM): so far as you can identify
Mellany Almen Hugo (12/30/2007 9:21:06 PM): sorry if I am asking you alot kuya bo..
Bo (12/30/2007 9:21:13 PM): well... based on what i have observed...
Bo (12/30/2007 9:21:23 PM): everytime something bad happen to you...
Bo (12/30/2007 9:21:31 PM): it takes a long time for you to heal
Bo (12/30/2007 9:21:51 PM): i miss the mel-mel... katong akong volunteer... katong sabaan sa field sa xu days
Bo (12/30/2007 9:22:25 PM): it seems... you chose to seclude yourself from other people everytime naa kay struggle
Bo (12/30/2007 9:22:56 PM): for me personally... it wouldnt help to seclude oneself from other people for a long time everytime we have struggles and storm
Bo (12/30/2007 9:23:03 PM): other people are meant to be with us
Bo (12/30/2007 9:23:14 PM): and share our struggles
Mellany Almen Hugo (12/30/2007 9:23:36 PM): wow, I never realized it...
Bo (12/30/2007 9:24:07 PM): OTHER PEOPLE ARE MEANT TO ACCOMPANY US IN OUR STRUGGLES
Mellany Almen Hugo (12/30/2007 9:24:32 PM): hehe. I understand kuya..
Bo (12/30/2007 9:24:50 PM): God gave these people in our life to help us carry our cross
Mellany Almen Hugo (12/30/2007 9:25:09 PM): but what if you can't even understand what you are going throught.. and when you seek for help, they will ask you what's going on with you ayt?
Mellany Almen Hugo (12/30/2007 9:25:17 PM): and what if you have nothing to say?
Mellany Almen Hugo (12/30/2007 9:25:25 PM): Mellany Almen Hugo (12/30/2007 9:25:35 PM): wouldn't that be pathetic?
Bo (12/30/2007 9:25:37 PM): so what...
Bo (12/30/2007 9:25:43 PM): they dont have to understand...
Bo (12/30/2007 9:25:54 PM): they just have to stay with you.
Mellany Almen Hugo (12/30/2007 9:26:38 PM): so you mean, the understanding part has to be done by the one going through the experience?
Mellany Almen Hugo (12/30/2007 9:26:52 PM): can't the person be helped?
Mellany Almen Hugo (12/30/2007 9:26:55 PM): waaaah!!
Bo (12/30/2007 9:27:13 PM): of course
Bo (12/30/2007 9:27:17 PM): its your life.
Bo (12/30/2007 9:27:26 PM): but at least you will feel you are not alone
Bo (12/30/2007 9:27:41 PM): TO BE ALONE MEL... (for me) is a very sad thing.
Mellany Almen Hugo (12/30/2007 9:28:15 PM): awh...
Mellany Almen Hugo (12/30/2007 9:28:20 PM): ok.
Mellany Almen Hugo (12/30/2007 9:28:40 PM): i find peace when I am alone, though.
Bo (12/30/2007 9:28:46 PM): yesBo (12/30/2007 9:29:35 PM): of course
Bo (12/30/2007 9:29:39 PM): but not for long
Bo (12/30/2007 9:29:46 PM): si Kristo bahhh
Bo (12/30/2007 9:29:54 PM): naa time nga sya ra gyud...
Bo (12/30/2007 9:30:03 PM): mas gusto sya nga sya ra gyu
Bo (12/30/2007 9:30:04 PM): dBo (12/30/2007 9:30:15 PM): pero mobalik gyud na sya sa iyang mag amigo (apostles)
Bo (12/30/2007 9:30:40 PM): pero during the time of his darkest moment... HE WAS ACTUALLY BEGGING FOR THEIR PRESENCE
Mellany Almen Hugo (12/30/2007 9:30:58 PM): awh...
Bo (12/30/2007 9:31:13 PM): take it from Him.
Mellany Almen Hugo (12/30/2007 9:31:15 PM): so you mean, when you need someone you have to ask?
Bo (12/30/2007 9:31:23 PM): he is the expert of struggles
Mellany Almen Hugo (12/30/2007 9:31:32 PM): yeah. He is.
Bo (12/30/2007 9:31:57 PM): of course... ask them
Bo (12/30/2007 9:32:17 PM): like tonton... i think he would love to be with you.
Bo (12/30/2007 9:32:27 PM): katong nawala imo phone
Bo (12/30/2007 9:32:33 PM): but murag away man ka
Bo (12/30/2007 9:32:39 PM): so maglisod sila
Mellany Almen Hugo (12/30/2007 9:33:03 PM): well, it's my fault. I secluded myself.
Bo (12/30/2007 9:33:10 PM): yes
Bo (12/30/2007 9:33:12 PM): hehehee
Mellany Almen Hugo (12/30/2007 9:33:16 PM): I just didn't like the feeling na "naluoy" sila sa ako.
Mellany Almen Hugo (12/30/2007 9:33:22 PM): it made me feel weak.
Bo (12/30/2007 9:33:29 PM): ngehh
Bo (12/30/2007 9:33:41 PM): well... dont feel that way
Bo (12/30/2007 9:34:19 PM): they wanna help
Mellany Almen Hugo (12/30/2007 9:35:54 PM): like today, my cousins saw me... and they had this glare in their eyes... something like... "i'm sorry you are experiencing this." I didn't like it. I told them I was already ok but still they insisted I wasn't. I wanted to believe I already am ok... but they they pushed me to doubt. eeerrr..
Mellany Almen Hugo (12/30/2007 9:36:00 PM): but really. I am ok naman.
Mellany Almen Hugo (12/30/2007 9:36:05 PM): samuk.
Bo (12/30/2007 9:36:31 PM): well you know better right?
Mellany Almen Hugo (12/30/2007 9:36:36 PM): yeah.

*******************************

I must have really changed since that experience. I noticed it too but I do not know how I came to land at this state neither do I know how to turn myself back. But I'm trying my best to recover fully. Not talking to anyone doesn't help really. It just deepens the wound. It never heals it.

~~I wish you were here...~~
It's alright you're not here.

Half full, half empty

2007-12-29T18:09:00.001+08:00

I've got nothing to post that actually makes sense, except this.

I consider myself truly lucky to have bumped into the lives of these people. Always...

Death in the Eyes of a Sufferer

2007-12-13T07:37:00.000+08:00

(I wrote this at the at most peak of my emotional drama and existential confusion)

I want to die. I want to end this agony. I've been experiencing the same thing again and again. I'm so tired coping with the pain . I feel so tired trying to alleviate my emotional and physical status. I feel so tired helping myself. I am so tired... I'm so tired... Somehow I think dying would end every bit of pain that I feel. I want to get this think over with. I can no longer help myself. I've lost trust, strength and energy to fight and be well. Death seems to be my last resort. It's an easy way out. It takes no time to heal the wounds, it takes no time to swallow guts and self-esteem, it takes no time to experience chronic pain. Death only takes one-time pain, last breath and final goodbye. Death stops everything. Even pain.. even shame...

*******

Losing my fine is OK. It's the thought implied with the loss of a valuable material is what is causing my pain. I've been through similar circumstances again and again... and it's not as if I wanted such thing to happen or it was cause by my carelessness.

I hate my world. I hate my life.

Somehow, He sends someone... EDITED!!!!!

2007-11-16T19:37:00.000+08:00

I must accept, since the later part of 1st sem, I felt distant towards GOD. I just felt I wasn't good enough and that I felt ashamed. I felt I do not deserve the kind of path He is offering me. I felt I was too weak and vulnerable that I wandered somewhere far from that path.

And so begun the days I felt the loneliest. I got to experience walking feeling vulnerable to the staring eyes of the people around. I could not stand staying alone at one place and just enjoy looking at people passing by, I felt I was being observed instead. I felt and feel empty, to put it in simple term.

The feeling was furthermore asserted when my barkada and I had conflicting schedules. No more lunch together days... Literally now, I am alone. I long to reconnect to God, but I realized it's not easy... ~~I will have~~ I will have to overcome the shame I ~~would have to~~ shall endure as I face Him. And as of now, I seem not to hit the right target as I try. It's always kulang. Although I know what I should do, but it seems I just couldn't do it. Have I gone tired? I don't want to quit...

I have prayed to Him several times to somehow give me some company. And lately, I just realized He did. He even lead me to the group I felt I belonged the best in our block. I felt happy about it, but still "i am full, yet feel empty."

With this internal conflict going on me , my functional abilities as a person have obviously been affected. I don't know but somehow I think I have changed and not for the better... :( I feel entirely confused and so deprived of happiness. Added more with the frustrations I have with my major subjects... how on earth will I be able to keep myself from giving up? I can't quit.

Since I have mentioned about my majors, might as well dwell on it for a while. I don't know if I should consider myself challenged or down right MALAS? My two major subjects are hell. What an unfortunate situation for me to have belonged to the most difficult test and quiz giver for my Lecture, and extremely mataray, demanding, intimidating CI for my Lab. *you see, we perform Return Demonstrations in our Lab so she'd have to listen to us individually and fry us alive while we're performing and enumerating the 5-paged procedures!* And last Thursday, I had my first RD. I was confident because I really memorized the procedure... but to my dismay, as I was out of her sight, water was starting to fill my eyes. My classmates noticed me but I had to pretend it was just an allergic reaction to of the powder of the gloves. She was that terror. She ~~will continues~~ continues to ask, ask, ask, and ask questions until you are completely blank to proceed to the next step. And not just plain asking alright, somehow the idea that you are already being scolded is implied. She made me feel stupid and weak and I hated her for making me cry like that. It was a first after-RD related cry... But I cannot quit.

I cannot quit because I feel the completion of this course would mean something to my parents. Somehow, I want them to feel happy and proud of having me. Somehow I want to prove them something and that quitting would mean shame to our family. Somehow I want to feel I am doing something they both like and that I wouldn't have to feel guilty of giving them pain, shame and frustrations ~~buy~~ by giving up my happiness, my freedom, my ideal life. I cannot quit because they expect so much from me and I don't want to feel a failure if I do not follow their deal. I cannot quit simply because I can't, and I shouldn't!

But I want to thank God for somehow, extending His love no matter how ~~far~~ distant I seem to be ~~from~~ towards Him. I had a chat with my previous CI and somehow I shared a little of what I felt and what I went through... I never realized he appreciated my efforts of trying to be consistently on top in his RLE-NC&ND group. And on the last part of our chat, he just surprisingly said this... "tadi well ha! kip reaching for new heights! never let good enough be good enough. aim for more! aim high! tc!" It's not stated but it's implied... he believed in me. He believed in what I can do and in what I can give. He believed that I had the potential, though not the best in our batch, to give more, to extend my limits. He made me believe in myself... and that single intention made a whole lot of difference to me.

I don't want to fail you sir.... Thank you for believing in me.

And lord, THANK YOU for not leaving me.

I just wonder why....God, why?

2007-11-02T21:13:00.000+08:00

Imagine a photo of a poor malnourished child, most preferably girl, with eyes glaring at you... almost saying, "will you help me?"

I always try to avoid seeing photos of these kinds because I feel ashamed and totally helpless. I get this tight and painful feeling every time I look into the eyes of these very people... It's as if my heart and their heart have this quiet conversation and all I can hear is "help me, help us, please..." and all I could shamefully say is, "I'm sorry."

One time I got totally disturbed over the fact that God is God and why can't HE, as GOD do something for these people? I asked kuya about this... but he said he won't answer . It wasn't a philosophical question as how I labeled it, he said it was an existential one and that I should not let go of such question and confront God with it. I confronted God that night but it turned out, I was too week to digest the whole idea of it for I fell on my knees and just cried, and cried, and cried. I couldn't even talk spontaneously for I had difficulty catching my breath.. But I know with those tears I've shed, God understands my emotions, intentions and doubts. I love God and so I felt ashamed doubting His power. But I couldn't help it. I just felt I had to talk back and question Him. I desperately wanted to know why... as desperate as the depth of emotion I feel hearing the voices of those who cry out of hunger...

God always asks us to do good, to be generous and caring to them, but I really don't know if it's working at all.. I mean, yeah it does, but come to think of it, all the relief goods that we give to these people will only last for a certain span of time. IT WON'T CHANGE THEM! IT WON'T CHANGE THEIR CONDITION! I know the very people who really spend money for the purchase of these relief goods are influential individuals to the society.. why can't they use their influence instead and do something about the situations of the hungry and the poor??? enough with those crappy and purely pathetic excuses people always reason out... THESE PEOPLE SUFFER MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE IN THIS WORLD, Why won't you try to do a favor for them?

I get aggravated over the thought that there are individual who would rather dwell in their haven and cocoons even though they are surrounded with all these frustrating and depressing images of the society. I really pray that one day, they will all wake-up... that they will get off their bed and just do what is right and just!

But I never let go of the question 'why'.... why doesn't God just save them? He knows no limits. He can perform miracles. He is GOD. Why does he let these people suffer? do they really deserve all these pain that He lets them die not even tasting the sweet brush of the brighter side of life? Why, God? Why?....

35 questions I want to answer

2007-10-30T19:27:00.000+08:00

1. Are you smiling?*nope ..

2. Have you ever kissed anyone whosname started with a J?*jai2x

3 . What's irritating you right now?*waiting for a reply...

4. When did you last eat pizza?*last month pa... :(

6. Do you have any friends who are famous?*uhhu...you want to meet the guy? :P

7. Are you any good at poker?*i don't know how... teach me!! ^_^

8. What do you want?*hot choco and some blanket and an inspirational book. ^_^

9. Are you tired?* yeah...waiting for the....

10. Do you like anyone?*it's an absolute yes!!! *kilig*

11 . Coke or pepsi?*coke

12. Do you ever throw up?* i try not, but yeah. i do.

13 . Beer or water?*h20

14. Staying home & reading or going out& seeing a movie?*going out and seeing a movie, and this time, can it be with someone?? :D

15. Taco Bell or McDonald's?*mcdo :D

16 . Last thing you said?*dili ko magluto. haha.

17. What are you wearing?*pants and white shirt. I did not change clothes yet. :P

18. How many Abercrombie shirts do youown?* what are these?? ^_^

19. How many Myspace views do you have?*i don't have a myspace account...

20 . Do you believe dreams come true?*i wish one would become true. ;p

21 . Do you like reunion concert tours?*hate concerts.. too many people, so little personal space. haha.

22 . Who is in the room with you?*pokie, baby&PPFs.. :D

23.What are you wearing on your feet?*slipper!

24. Who was the last person that toldyou they loved you?*jaki

25. What was the last thing you ate?*my oh so favorite dried mangoes. hehe

26. What were you doing before this?*texting...

27 . What is the closest item near youthat is black?* my cellphone. @_@

28. What was the last text message youreceived?*tara telling me to call jomi's landline. :D

29. What did you do last night?*party!!!!!!!!!!!!

30. What do you wear more, jeans orsweatpants?*jeans

31. What is the last movie youwatched?*city of angels... and the fist time I cried that hard!! OMG! @_@

32. Last movie you saw at the cinema?*star dust with jaki. ^_^

33. Ever been to QuizPox.com?*say what???

34. Where are your parents?*room and sala.

35 . Where did you get the pants you'rewearing?*closet. where else?

Some little things that make me happy...

2007-10-22T16:32:00.000+08:00

I am happy when I have cookies and milk before I go to sleep...

Pokie's soft fur makes me happy whenever I hug it...

My baby's (pooh) smile never fail to cheer me up whenever I cry in my room...

I love the smell after the rain...

I feel light and relaxed when I smell the sweet scent of Johnson's Summer Swing Cologne...

I love hearing the chirp of our one and only lovebird. (I killed the other two. I forgot to feed them. yikes! ^_^)

I love to sit by the door and reflect for a while...

I love the wind that blows and touches my face as I ride a jeepney... and most often I close my eyes and feel it.

I love looking at a scene where a mother tickles her children...

It makes me happy looking at pictures of sisters and brothers playing with the camera.

I love hearing the love stories of old people... although usually what they share are their "past."

I love it when someone squeezes/holds my hand...

I feel ecstatic whenever I see a dog ridding a car...

I kinda have this jerky feeling when I see a pig... I find them really adorable. :P

I feel happy when someone wraps her arms around my neck... like what ate chepay usually does.

Children's laughter is music to my ears, heart and soul...

I love the aroma of Nescafe's 3 in 1 coffee...

Watching an episode of any of my favorite cartoons always makes my day...

Observing people as they go through change makes me feel aware and happy of my own humanity...

I love the after taste of strawberry sandwiched rebisco...

The feeling when I go out of the house very early in the morning is so relaxing... ( I just find it difficult to wake-up that early. haha)

Reading quotes and personal messages in my phone always sets me in a good mood before I go to sleep...

The smiles of my barkada always tickles my heart... I love their company.

Remembering the people who have touched my life makes me feel satisfied and honored...

I find the horse play of our dogs really cute... although most of the time they end up fighting.. haaayzz...

I feel really glad when my friends tell me "i love you."...

Religious songs create this burning happiness in me...

When I attend mass, I feel like I am dating God, that's why I prefer to go to mass alone.. it's more personal and solemn...

I love looking at the huge trees in XU... (but now, they were all cut...)

I love it when someone squeezes his/her nose against mine...

I love it when a butterfly flies by my way...

I like it when I look at someone directly into his/her eyes especially when he/she talks to me...

I find the #2 message tone of my phone really funny. (haha)

Green jokes never fail to make me laugh... nyaha!

I laugh at the corniest joke. pramiz. sometimes, I just stop myself. :P

I love it when no one calls me through landlines but highly appreciates when someone calls me through cellphones...

I love it when a child kiss' my cheeks. Their lips are so soft and smooth...

Eating watermelon and pineapple pigishly reminds me of my childhood days... eeeww.. haha

The taste and smell of marang is always the best!

Chocolates (although bawal ako) really fill in all of my sweet cravings...

Finding my purpose for the day truly makes me happy...

If only I can understand why

2007-10-19T21:48:00.000+08:00

I am unjustifiably sad. mad. frustrated. upset. alone. I couldn't identify any reason.. or do I choose to remain blind and deaf from all the reasons I see and hear? I don't know... so I came up with these few questions that bothered me the whole day.

why is man incapable of feeling happy all the time?
why is it, there's always this element of sadness and dismay even if one is doing the things he loves to do?
why can't man just be satisfied of what he has?
why are there people who can absolutely ignore sadness with their oh so optimistic thinking while others just can't help but be pessimistic?
why are there some insensitive beings?
why do we have to relate ourselves outside the boundaries of our subcutaneous tissues in order to live a life?
why can't we just be lonely and still be happy?
how do loners find happiness?
how can life become interesting when one is sabotaged with all the failures one will have to take with every risk he makes?
why did God allow man to feel lonely when all He wanted us to do was to seek happiness?
why is love oh so complicated, depressing and happy at the same time?
why do others prefer to live in fantasy than reality?
how does one distinguishes fantasy from reality?
why is living an everyday struggle?
why can't man hold on to one reason and with that reason continue on to journey through life? why does it always has to change?
why can't development happen instead of change?
why can't people keep the one they love forever?
how does time change everything?
why is life precious to some while a misery to a lot?
why can't man stop itself from asking?
why is logic different from understanding?
why is man given both the heart and the mind when both are found contradicting most of the time?

and lastly.... why do I feel I am not enough?....

LC, i lived in this world for one year

2007-10-16T20:48:00.000+08:00

here's a video footage during the launching of the RYTREFOCash (Reduce Your Trash, Recycle FOr Cash) Drive I somehow managed to promote in High School. This was really hilarious but hey! the drive worked out... it was so cool! I was highly proud of the first year high school student's participation.They garnered about 17k (if I'm not mistaken) for the whole year out from trash! imagine that.

I miss high school. :( I miss LC works. I never really get to enjoy my being a KKP volunteer because of my darn course. eeerrrr.. I miss the thrill and the excitement I get to feel every time I have to accomplish a task assigned to me during LC works. I miss getting involved. I miss making use of myself for the benefit of others!! aaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!! there, I finally said it. haaayzz... Suppressing the call of the heart is painful. There's this continuous struggle happening. My heart tells me I should get involved, by my mind keeps on reminding me on the things I should yet to accomplish first. I know I need to prioritize things. But I don't know, the more I put stress on the things I need to do, the more I lose my interest and time to do the things I love to do. It's true that everything needs to be nourished, nurtured. I am just unfortunate to do some sacrifices.

haaaayzz.. matapos lang talaga tong college and so lang as hindi magbabago ang ihip nga hangin, i will really follow my heart.

"Burn this heart Lord. Let it continue to seek You."

And so I was disturbed

2007-10-11T21:41:00.000+08:00

Just this morning our neighbor and who happens to be my god father, died. It is a shocking death for me since I haven't heard any disease he has been suffering for the months and years he was still alive. I was just shocked when his son told us he had been suffering from diabetes for nearly 3 years and each year, it grew worse. It all started from a simple wound that was not given much attention. The wound got infected and the area grew wide running from his knees up to his lower upper thighs. There were pus formations and severe redness all over the infected area. The bacteria was literally eating him alive; you could just imagine the pain. A similar wound untreated triggered another infection on his left foot. It had the same effect on his thigh. Two toes were already dead and his foot was already rotting. I can't believe it. What a pain it was. But that thought did not disturb me, it were the eyes, the gestures and the tone of voice his son had when he told us the story. I could feel he was preventing himself from crying. It was a feeling implied in each word he uttered. It was painful hearing him struggling...

Life could definitely end in just a blink of an eye. A doctor could even hypothetically declare you as dead the sooner you step in to the emergency room. Think of it, the line partitioning life and death is so thin we could even choose death!

I want to imply here that while we are still alive, we should put meaning and purpose to our life. It's a sad, sad reality to die with so much dismay and unfulfilled feelings. Death itself is already sad, would you allow some more sadness to fill-in the moment you know you have a few hours to live? The right answer would be no. Let us not allow this thing to happen.

Find something to work, something to do and while you are doing it, put your heart into it. Make use of yourself for the benefit of others. You need not to nurture yourself always, anyway you have the entire eternity to spend it with.

Look for activities you find yourself having so much fun. Fun in line with genuine and pure happiness, not just fun out from additives of chemicals and concoctions.

Put color into your life while you still can. Life is too short to put it into waste. Get tired while it still feels good, be stressed while adrenaline still flows swiftly into your motor sensors, take some sleepless nights and enjoy the feeling of getting high, commit some mistakes and find yourself a genius after sneaking out of it. Life can never be life without imperfections, flaws and mistakes.. These dark colors blend perfectly with the light shades to create a masterpiece we all call life. Paint with your own artistry! ;)

It's all about learnig...

2007-10-06T21:06:00.000+08:00

As we progress in life, there are stop overs and detours we have to make. Sometimes these spots carry along danger and even pain in, most often, unwanted situations. We do not have the full control of our life, as you may know. There are factors far beyond our control, that whatever consequences we have to face, may it be nice or awful, we just have to accept. However, through these experiences we learn something, we gain knowledge, we gain wisdom. As what many would say, "the best teacher is experience itself."

For me, the greatest teacher "experience" would be pain... No one in this world would live because he or she would want to experience pain. All normal beings would avoid getting hurt, may it be literal or figurative. It is in man's nature to seek for survival. And one helpful choice of surviving is avoiding pain. But then again, when we are trapped and cornered by pain itself, we can no longer escape... and all we got to do is stay strong, and continue surviving. There's no pain far beyond each person's tolerance level and to survive is to acknowledge but not accepting the pain.

Acknowledging is when we know we are in pain... awakening our senses and self care abilities to help our self recover. Accepting is when we let pain take control over us. We accept the totality of pain by looking into the very thought of it as capable of creating emotional suffering. It shouldn't be like that. We Look at it as a foreign subject incapable to penetrating through all our inner walls.

But when time comes when it's just too much... another set of feet would appear to share the burden with. It's as if heaven finally shed some angels' feathers unto earth.

I experienced this. Here's my story:

(I made this for our RS project. I had a Perfect score on this. ^_^ every time I read this, it makes me cry. *sigh*)

Part I

I had a severe experience of betrayal from friends when I was in third year high school. In high school, I belonged to a class that almost had the same members from first to fourth year. Normally at this situation, strong bond of friendship can be rooted. I loved my classmates so much, so much that I thought I had befriended almost every person in the class and could actually relate to each one of them. I was confident I had a good relationship with each and everyone in the class. However, because of one incident they thought I was strictly involved, they seemed to have forgotten the bond we had and I felt highly betrayed. I never thought that the people who meant so much to me could do such thing right in front of my face. I resulted to isolation from the group. Because of the betrayal that I felt, I had the sudden gush on uncertainty in every person I met. I barely trusted people from then on. Also, because I could not seem to understand why they were able to do such thing, I thought to myself maybe I was the problem. I resulted to self pity and I started to doubt even my personal potentials. Yet God never seemed to abandon me at this point. He sent someone for me to appreciate life once more – Fr. Cris a.k.a. my kuya. My kuya made me realize that I still had the potentials even though I may have resulted to suppression of such capabilities. He opened my eyes from the mask that I wore. He made me feel aware of the ‘armors’ I constantly kept hooked-up with. He made me understand why such thing has happened and why I had that certain reaction to such situation. He also made me feel loved once more, by believing in me and by constantly inspiring me to do good, to always give my best. And I thank God He sent me my kuya even if it was just for a while…

Part II

I would label this experience as “Lit of Hope.” Lit of hope because of course, the mere action of concern of my kuya gave me hope. You see, at this point where in I felt everyone seemed to doubt on me, my personality, and my being, it’s such a surprising phenomena to know someone eagerly reaches out to me to in order to help. I felt valuable at that point. I felt I was still part of the world I continually secluded myself from. The talks we had also shed some rays of hope for my soul. I came to realize I should never remain to be a sufferer of the past and that I must learn to move on and live on. Our talks answered some inhibited questions in my heart that painstakingly waited for the right time to erupt and be answered. One questioned I opened up was, “why is it that when the incident ended, I thought I was alright, but when weeks started to elapse, slowly I felt the pain?” and he answered with the clearest analogy of the situation, “you see, it’s like when you get yourself cut. At first, you do not feel the wound but as the air touches the surface of the cut, you slowly feel the pain and notice the cut.” … I then understood. Because of these talks we had the uneasiness my heart felt was gradually calmed and I have seemed to embrace life once more. I had the face with the most genuine smile I ever had. I started to become at ease with myself and with others. I became very appreciative of the little things I accomplish and the favors people do to me. I embraced my classmates, my friends once more. I began to open my heart to love them again and forget the past. Once more, I was becoming me again… and I felt, for the fist time after 6 months of pain, the feeling of happiness.. It was my kuya who gave me hope… to myself, to my future and to my life.

Part III

Jesus continues to be a hope to me. Because my kuya was also an aspiring priest, he never forgot to mention God’s purpose and undying love for me. He made a clear emphasis that behind every person suffering, God always has a good reason. And now that my kuya is far away studying theology, I came to embrace God more tightly, drawing him closer to my heart in every encounter I have with Him. At times when I tell myself, if only my kuya was near, I seek for Jesus’ company for I believe, He is always there for me. Any moment I want to talk to Him, he is always willing to listen. He is just beside any person who believes in His Almighty power. At times when delirium seems to drown my mind and my soul, I run to the chapel and talk to Jesus, in my utmost solemn and personal prayer. And it just surprises me that Jesus seem to answer my questions by making me realize the things I need to realize in order to understand my question before the day ends. It seems that God never lets my heart stay unsecured and uneasy. And with these realizations, He gives me hope and understanding of the sufferings I experience. He never lets me lose hope for every time I feel like giving up, He never leaves my side and constantly reminds me of the things I need to be thankful of through the interactions I have with the people and the situations I observe as I walk and reflect on my life. I just feel reawakened and at the same time, refreshed whenever I feel this care from God. It makes an implication that God does not seem to abandon me even if I am not worthy of His care and love, and that God still has His hopes on me.

********

and that's the reason why...

uwaaaah

2007-09-23T22:51:00.000+08:00

oh no! i need help with my paper... errrr... an expository paper with the topic "you are nobody 'till somebody loves you." I understand the very thought of it, but it seems I couldn't squeeze the right words to write what I really want to say! And I am also afraid that whatever I might say will be wrong... as you may know, I haven't been in-love for real! Oh God, help me... please, just for an hour or so, make me feel in-love, make me feel someone loves me, make me feel "the love"

I need some words for my paper. It's due tomorrow and I haven't started yet. It's already 11p.m. Gosh, help! Love, help!

Day 2

2007-09-16T22:02:00.000+08:00

certainly, being alone for 2 full days and 2 full nights can make one reflect and look back on actions and events that have brushed on one's life. Things that were paid only a pinch of attention seem to be of so much relevance. I guess I never noticed their importance until I really paid attention to them.

Lesson #1: it is not at all easy to maintain cleanliness of a house. I spent the whole morning disposing the sh*ts of our dogs, cleaning the outside and inside portion of our house, doing the laundry and feeding the dogs. These things are the chores my dad regularly performs. I over looked on how much effort he has to do to finish these tasks. My dad's one great guy...

Lesson #2: Let's skip this part.If people wanna forget you, let go and let them do so. I just realized, why do I have to push myself to someone who doesn't seem to show interest anymore? I am frustrated and totally tired of hoping and waiting for the kind of response I want to receive from people. I mean, there are a number of them whom I give so much attention yet take my actions for granted! I finally swallow the idea that it is already too much.

Lesson #3: I am hurting, cramming, crying, procrastinating, loving (?), but surviving. It does require self determination and patience to reach our goals. As for me, I wanna be "there" so I have to do the things that I must do (even if it means, giving up something things I love) in order to bring myself "there". Toil and you shall receive.

Lesson #4: I envy those who are actively participating organizations and clubs. Although I am happy I am a member of KKP, I am not actually proud. Not proud because I am not an active member. Because of my Saturday class, I am not able to hold NSTP sessions. I am also being deprived of time... much of my time is being eaten by school works and responsibilities. Of course, they weigh double so I have no choice. Although I really want to be an active member of some clubs and organizations, I just couldn't because of my heavy course. Some of my friends get busy with their orgs, they talk about it and there I am, left at the corner feeling miserable having to do nothing! Errr... I hate feeling useless.

So far, not so good. Well, at least my life begins to have meaning when busy myself even with the at most desperation to have something to feel, worry, think and act.

I don't want to begin to love the word "hate"....

I'm wide awake

2007-09-10T04:51:00.000+08:00

Ok. It's officially 4:55 am here and I am still wide awake! who woudn't?? after drink two full cups of coffee! ha! i must have been crazy... I am crazy.

Right now, I feel oozy and floaty... float, float, float. And I feel I am not myself... It's sorta drunk-feeling... ooooohhhh... I was struggling to sleep, but heck.. the struggling took me 4 hours! and it's still now working. My parents have already awaken and since the sounds of the spoon, the gas range and the kitchen utensils seem like an alarm clock to me (they sound twice as loud as they should be!), I decided to end my agony and wake-up from a not so nightmare-nightmare. (you understand that right?)

I am totally desperate to finnish the things I am suppose to read so I thought drinking coffee would atleast prolong my awake hours. I miscalculated, it made me wide awake not just a few hours, but the whole evening 'till dawn!

atleast, I am finnish with my readings... and I hope I do recall them later. Gosh, I even did something I never thought I would! (oooh!!!)

ooooohhhhh... heavy feeling... ugh. help!

dahil napapgod din ako!

2007-09-07T16:18:00.000+08:00

(mag tinagalog sa ko. my blog, i decide!)

dahil gusto ko rin mag-unwind ng mga emosyon na tila lumulunod sa'kin sa bawat segundong nararamdam ko na buhay pa pala ako, magba-blog ako. at dahil ginawa rin ito ng isang kaibigan ko...baka makakatulong din to sa'kin.

buhay estudyante, sobrang nakakapagod!!! shet. Kada oras, iba-iba ang iniisip, iba-iba ang wino-worry... Test dito, exam doon, project dito, group work doon.. saan ba talaga ako pupunta?? asan ba dapat ako magbibigay ng importansya?? nakakapagod... mag-iisip ka pa nga lang, wala ka nang lakas gawin ang nararapat.

Tatapatan pah ng quizzes!! biruin mo, everyday may quizz?? sa maniwala ka't sa hindi, kahit friday and saturday evening, kailangan ko mag-aral! naman... pagod na ako!!!!!!!!!!!!! Pag monday at tuesday, every meeting quiz sa RLE, MWF, every meeting quiz din sa Chemistry! Di rin patatalo ang physics, na tuwing wednesday... at sino ba namang AHSE2 ang makakalimot sa quiz sa HC1 every meeting, Wednesday at Thursday, na halos 20 pages ang kailangan imemorize at 10 questions lang ang lalabas! (bwiset! dito , halos bumabagsak na ako!) At kahit friday night, hindi applicable sa'kin ang "thank God it's friday", dahil kailangan ko ring mag-aral para sa pre-lab sa chemistry! oh diba?!?! tas pag saturday naman.. kahit hindi ko gusto mag-aral, kailangan para hindi tumambak ang dapat kong babasahin! (pero minsan, ang tigas talaga ng ulo ko... kaya hayun, sobrang baba ng score. buti naman pumasa.. pumasa nga lang)

letcheng buhay to' oh! errrrrr....

the Play!

2007-09-02T22:31:00.000+08:00

here are some photos of one of the shows we had courtesy of Dangs, a.k.a Gilbert delos Santos: (sorry if the pics are not that clear. They were taken form his phone and used zoom so the pics are a bit blurry.)

heto si edz... siya ang main character sa play namin na Pepe. Siya si Pepe.

(di nga lang mukang rizal sa pic na toh. hehe.)

ito naman ang complete casts nang Teodora at Pepe, sina:

(ate Mickey as T2, rachel as T4, edz bilang PEPE, Patrick bilang Rizal na estudyante, Winver bilang Rizal na Kargador, Jan bilang Pepe sa Teodora, Ate Gee bilang T3 at si Teacher bilang T1)

Sina rachel, edz at Patrick. Closer look. ^^

Habang nagpaplay na, kinunan ni Gilbert ang set. Ganda ng Backdrop namin noh? ginawa lang yan sa loob ng 5 minuto imprompto pah! bago nagsimula ang play...

ako at si dangs. ganda ko dito! haha. galing kasi mag make-up ni ate Gee eh.. sobra! ;)

what's with 'I love you'?

2007-09-01T21:28:00.000+08:00

"I love you"... whoah.. this line keeps on replaying in my mind, and I DON'T KNOW WHY! i dont like it... err... gosh. love makes my mind go round. haha.

Fine week. ^^ although not really the best, but so far, it's fine. There were tons of tests which meant many "kulang sa tulog" days... pero buhi pa ko. tired lang talaga... I want a hug. hug me!!!!

and oh! remember the play that I was "managing"? well, we're on our 7th and 8th show next week! ;) I feel so happy i said yes to the offer... wala ko nagsisi nganong gi apil ko! Happee. The actors are really great, the story was creatively made and the play is magnificent! and mind you, I am part of the play. Yes! as the kiat manga vendor. haha. :P and the only lines I deliver are.. "Dyeeeezzzz", "yeeeeezzzz"... hahahaha. ^^ My costume consists of super short white shorts, high rubber heals, red fitting t-shirt, and super heavy make-up courtesy of ate Gee. (she is such a good make-up artist, i swear! she can really transform you.) and speaking of ate Gee, she's getting me daw as a model for her accesories to be made as post cards. She likes the shape of my face daw. waaaah. LOLZ! ahhaha. :P

anyway, the experience of both managing and being part of the team is astonishing. I love being part of the team. I love the bloopers, the cramming, the make-up part, the wearing of the costumes, the piano, the laughs, the coldness of the LT, the adrenaline rush and of course, the food! (gaaah. I'm fat)

and because of this experience, I still feel I exist. I am still alive and I still have a reason to live. Naa na koy pulos... hehe. ^^

I miss this... sobra.

2007-08-30T22:08:00.000+08:00

when I viewed this, I cried for the first time. :'(

I just miss high school. I thought I was over missing it but having dinner with high school friends and reminiscing the days reactivates the emotion, the nostalgic emotion.

I miss high school. I really do.

I am capable of feeling jealous

2007-08-27T07:23:00.000+08:00

Me: "Manang, palit ko ug roses, ayaw lang nang yellow ha kei bright ra kaayo."

Manang: "Chada nga dili ka ganahan ug yellow kei meaning ana, dili ka selosa."

...and from then on, I learned to hate yellow for I do not like to be identified as selosa.

Feeling jealous is not what I normally do. I do not feel jealous that easy because first, I feel grateful of the things I have and second, feeling jealous for me is accepting my defeat and I hate being defeated. I won't deny that I sense when I begin to feel such emotion but then I resort to laying down my armor, blocking the feeling and repressing it. I never really recognized jealousy. "It's not part of my vocabulary in life" if I may put it rightly and precisely. However, my armor's energy to block may have subsided through the years... now, I begin to feel pain, the pain of jealousy.

There were two persons who weakened my defenses... two person dearly close to my heart. It doubles the pain knowing that I love these two, but I just feel that I do not have the right to feel this way... it's just not right.

Yet I do not feel sad I am jealous. I am overwhelmed instead. It's like I am happy I feel this way for it makes me feel real. I just do not feel self-inflicted pains such as frustrations and discouragements but including the feeling caused by too much love. It also tells me I am capable of loving and hurting is just part of loving.

The pain I feel is not like any normal pain. I have to carry it all alone, swiftly and silently for I do not have any plans of revealing who these persons are and why I am jealous. The pain is eating me inside but, ironically, I am nourishing it. Maybe because I want to keep myself reminded of how much I love them, that even though it does hurt, I still choose to continue to love. At least, I can tell myself I am real...

51 things about me

2007-08-25T21:45:00.000+08:00

At dahil ito ay uso... bakit hindi ko itry diba? got this from Ninemonths... ;)

1. How tall are you barefoot?= 4ft. 10.5 in.

2. Have you ever smoked?= yep. when I was a kid. I was curious. :D

3. Do you own a gun?= how I wish. haha

4.Do you hate someone right now?= depends whether I see the person. :D

5. Do you get nervous?=yeah. and I just hate it.

6. What do you think of hotdogs?= *double meaning* haha. ;p

7. What's your favorite Christmassong?= Jingle bells? ^^

8. What do you prefer to drink in themorning?= cold milk

9. Can you do push ups?= uh-ha.

10. What do you wish to experience?= watch bukas palad concert, live.

11.What's your favorite piece ofjewelry?= earings.

12. Do you like painkillers?= if it really kills all sorts of pain

13. What is your secret weapon to lurethe opposite sex?=my smile and "pacute" effect. haha

14. Do you own a knife?= I would love to. :D

15. Do you have H.I.V?= you think so?

16. Name?= Mellany Almen J. Hugo

17. Name 3 things u wanna do at moment?= blog. finnish the letchon. make posters.

18. Name the last 3 things you late: food, drink, chocolate.

19. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink:= C2(I just have to drink), water, milk.

20. What time did you wake up today?=woke-up at 2:30 am, slept again, woke up at 3:20 am (to study), slept again and finally woke up at 5:35 am.

21. What is your least favorite food?= Tuna.I just cant tolerate the after taste of tunas.

22. Current worry?= S-T-U-D-I-E-S. :c

23 Current hate?= I said depends whether I see the person. :D

24. Favorite place to be?= in a wide open soccerfield under a bright fullmoon. (diba? ^^)

25. Least favorite place to be?= elevator. I always feel dizzy. ugh.

26. Where would you like to go?= retreat house. haha

27. Do you own slippers?= would you believe I dont? swear. I don't wear slippers inside the house. :D

28. What shirt are you wearing?= striped t-shirt, dominant color is violet

29. How many times do you cry?= It's in regular basis, I cry around 5 times a month. :D

30. Favorite color?= blue, pink, and green

31.Would you like to be a pirate?= I don't like their profession. and they look filthy.me don't like.

32. Last time you had an alcoholicdrink?= that time when I got frustrated of my math subject.

33. What songs do you sing in the shower?= religious songs. my gosh. haha

34. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child?= snakes! I got afraid of the thought that they will grown bigger than me and eat me whole. :D

35.What's in your pocket/s right now?= fone.

36. Last thing that made you laugh?= the bloopers I shared with gellie when I had my Return Demonstration of the genital-perineal care. umbilicus is = to scrotum. oh diba?? hahahaha

37. last thing that made you cry?= unable to help a sick friend. *yes I cried that time*

38. Worst injury you've ever had?= I just had minor injuries.. so many minor injuries. ;p

39. Who is your loudest friend?= beki! MEGAPHONE! haha

40. Chilhood monster/s?= helicopters. I got afraid of their sounds.

41. Would want to have?= a pet. a dog, labrador! oh I just love dogs.

42.Who is your most silent friend?= my alter ego. I only get to hear her. haha

43.last movie watched?=transformers with myself. :)

44. What is your favorite book?= Paulo Coelhos books and Jostein Gaardner. Totally the best!

45.What is your favorite chocolate?= toblerone & vanhouten

46. Minimun internet usage?= if there are no class the next day, I could spend the whole day.

47. What song do/did you want/played at your wedding?= I'll think sa ha...*not sure nga if I wanna get married* ;p

48. What were you doing 12 AM lastnight?= dreaming... drooling on my pillow. haha. kidding! :P

49. What was the First thing you did today?= study.

50. What was the last thing you didthe day before yesterday?= memorized a 5 long paged medical procedure. *nerd*

51. What do you think of the last person who repost this..?=a person of pure heart. ninemonths a.k.a Isa Pimentel.

B-L-U-R, BLUR

2007-08-21T20:14:00.000+08:00

a blur. Life is in constant blur.

I have never heard of a man who lived his life with visions, dreams, and goals as clear as distilled waters are. Even one of the most brilliant man I have ever met in my life even suffer from vexation and ambiguity. The aspirations one desires is either unknown or uncertain. It's one fact I know, but coping up with this uncertainty is the greatest challenge above all the others. Why greatest challenge? It's because it's the point in a person's life that he has to epoche, to bracket things and begin to focus on one particular path brushing off all the blur-causing-factors in an attempt to see what is clear. It's never easy to choose from various options as what I know, especially when each choices are in accord to one's call of the heart. This is then when the "blur" begins.

It pains to realize that I do not really have a certain path that I want to take for real. I fight, I live, I struggle but for what cause? for my cause or for the cause of others? I will make a genuine guess as to what people would tell me if I begin to ask this very question to them, they would say "Just follow the flow." sa tinuod lang gi kapoy nako ug sunod-sunod lang sa dagan sa panahon ug situation. gusto nako maghimo ug ako mismong dalan... dalan na malipayon kong baktason. But there's one things I am certain of the general path I want to take, I want to take the road less traveled.

I pity those classmates of mine who are very certain of the path they are to take. "4 years school, 2 years review and experience, 1-3 years work abroad, 16+4+2+3=25, by that age I shall proceed to medicine, study for another 4 years, specialization for an additional 2 years and by age of 33 that would be the time I will get married." See? They have plans! I even MEMORIZED the time table of their life! I wish I see my future is as thorough as how they perceive themselves to be ten, fifteen years from now. I wish I am certain of the paths that I shall be taking. I know that in one way or another, these plans of theirs will have to be modified due to some uncontrollable circumstances. They'd have to take 3-5 years off their time table and spend it rather on "some other things not part of the plan" activities. But I cannot deny the fact that they DO have a pathway to follow, they know what they want.

Wanting something and having it is always a satisfaction to our hearts and even to our souls. But how can satisfaction be granted when even even one's desire is unknown? Which path will I take? Which among the many paths is less blurred? I do not know.

Featuring, tara, ms.A and myself! :D

2007-08-19T13:03:00.000+08:00

Taralyn Stacey Conol Estrera. The ever energetic sporty lady of Cabo, belated happy birthday!!! (Aug.18) Happy birthday tar! you must be really HOT to have convinced this guy to take a pose with you. nyaaahahha! *i know it's edited ha* :D Happy birthday! miss you! Take care always. ;D

another birthday was celebrated on the month of august. THE woman behind every Ogilvie victory, our ever beloved moderator, Ms.A. ^^ Last Aug. 12, we made a little surprise for her in XU. Good thing she teaches there so we didn't have to go to XUHS like what we did last year. We bought 6 "mini" cakes (that were devoured by us! haha) and 3 balloons. The original plan was to bring her to Gazebo (some part of XU) but since the weather was heavy and harsh, we had to transfer somewhere else. We couldn't find any other place so what else did we do? ambushed her, in her class! :D well, not quite like that.. but yeah, we pulled her out of her class, brought her downstairs infront of LT and there we sang happy birthday, gave our wishes, piggishly ate the cakes. :P and picture2x galore. The pictorial part caused some traffic in the ground floor of SS building because we were blocking the way. tungod sa among ka "baga" ug fiz we even asked a pure stranger to take a picture of all of us! Gosh. Just imagine the crazy slash embarassing things we could do when we are together!

The giving of messages and wishes was the sweetest part. I told ma'am, "ma'am you are the best math teacher ever!" and you know what she replied? "you are also the best class I ever had." aaawwwhhhh... how sweet!!! ♥

And this is me. The nerd one. The one who wears glasses. The one and the only me. (now with the glasses.) Tisk. I have betrayed my eyes. I didn't take good care of them. sad. But I don't have to wear these always anyway, only when needed. But still, it's glasses. *sigh*

featuring my sister from a test tube!

2007-08-12T19:30:00.000+08:00

This is my sister, Victoria Pulido a.k.a Beki, from my High School parents, daddy Ed and mommy Cese. According to my mommy, she's a test tube baby. An experimental baby of some sort. :D We keep on arguing who is more loved and she always reasons out that I am an illegitimate daughter so I am least loved. I protest! (I am the daughter of mommy cese and her kabit, si tooooot, who is gwapo and popular. haha) It's a never ending argument, I tell you. (Basta, i deserve equal right! :D)

I enjoy so many things with this wacky unlikely kiat sister of mine. In fact, she's the "mother" of the barkada who constantly reminds us to behave and act normal? haha. She can never dare to strike a seductive pose. "Dili daw niya kaya" oh diba?!? one kiat, naughty, unruly, wild sister (me) needs one strict, formal, not so kiat sister (beki)

another story...

Almost everyone who knew about me in high school have heard about that unbearably wicked story in third year HS. It's been many years but I still shed a tear or two every time I come to recall that turning point of my life. It was painful and I still have the scar. I hated the idea that people left and accused me. I hated being accused since then. I never realized I became too cautious as a result of that "hatred"... I became doubtful. Doubtful in almost everything.

In as much as I hated being accused, I thought I would be invulnerable of committing such act. I was wrong. although I may not have accused a lot of people, but I doubted a number of them. It is a mistake I profess.

And I did doubt my sister, beki. Because of that mysterious displeasing SMILEY INTRUDER in our class site. It's so happened that I opened our cbox account and realized that smiley and beki's IP address are the same. I then thought maybe it was her... Another mistake. It turned out I wasn't really her. (see your effect smiley??)

So now I say my piece, I am sorry for doubting bek. I am sorry for doubting you, you and you... for all the people out there. I am sorry for not giving my full trust. I know how painful it is to be doubted by people. Sometimes, you even result to doubting yourself. I am sorry if I am doubtful. I have to learn to loosen up my chains... But for now, I am sorry for those I doubted. :)

*************************************

yey!! exams are finally over. no more sleepless nights!!! no more long-term reading hours. No more painstaking analysis and memorizing. well, atleast for the remaining weeks before semi-finals. :D I am definitely sure my grades will deteriorate this first half of the semester. It's not at all easy to get high grades in chem, RLE, Health Care and Physics! eeeerrrr... Oh well, my ultimate goal anyway is to get through this nursing course. I'd settle for passing grade... hmmmm... well, maybe... :D But not always! (mel your promise----ok, ok.:D)

The end of the exams also mean more time for internet!!! ^^ I am wacked with internet. I am so hooked up to it that I CRAVE for it! I dream, I eat, I think, I sleep internet. haha.(obsession??) Time also allowed me to change my template. I am literally getting obnoxious of my previous template that I was dying to change it a month ago. And since time is but a priceless treasure in nursing (that I normally spend for catching some sleep. haha.) I barely had the time to touch my blog. Thanks to this computer-spent whole sunday appointment, I reconnected with my beloved computer. ^^

Eeeww or yikes?

2007-08-08T19:24:00.000+08:00

help! our faucet exudes a gastly liquid. And by gastly, i mean clear BROWN liquid. To think, I obliviously drank a whole glass of it. (yikes!) I put the blame on our glass. Our glass is colored clear dark yellow and because of this, it masks the color or the water. I gulped the water-filled glass this morning. It's already evening and so far, I do not feel/observe any abrupt changes in my body. But my concern now is, how on earth will I get a clean water for me to bathe?? life, life, life....

.... midterms, midterms, midterms... hell, hell, hell...

It's a nice day!

2007-07-30T20:24:00.000+08:00

Today, July 30, 2007 is one heck of a day!

First, I woke up and to my surprise, I was in my original room! (well, my sister is in Cebu and I'm taking the advantage of sleeping in her room which also serves as my study room)

I woke up early! haha. It's pretty amazing since I did not alarm the clock and still, I managed to wake up early. Cool! I normally wake-up early with the alarm clock so I could attend the morning mass, but I decided not to since there would be an anticipated mass at 10. (although, I heard my

I went to our classroom for our chem class but we were actually scheduled to use the AVR5. So there, I wasted ATP's to climb up and down the 4th floor of Aggie Building. haha.

Someone made away mi!! huhuh. she's so mean. She was using really offending and foul words at me in the canteen! I accidentally pulled the chair that she was leaning on. (I swear to God, I did not know she was leaning on it. And besides, I was using that chair before she did. I just stood up to buy a drink so I presumed I still can seat back on that same chair when I returned.) But I did not made "patol" to her. I just kept quiet. But I did ask her "what did I do?" and said "sorry" in a really sossy manner. haha. (poised!)

Remember I attended anticipated mass in honor of St. Ignatius, right? well, guess who's with me.... my crush! eeeeek! and we were able to hold hands during the "Our Father!" eeeeeeeekkkkkk!! ^^ ( But what is this? I've got a feeling he's GAY! OH Lord, please! NOT HIM!)

We (minus kating) went to ernie's place for lunch. Although we bought our own food, but the drinks were free. and the accommodation was so comfy. we had free chocolate! (but I just had to stop myself. I needed to control chocolate intake so I wouldn't trigger my asthma. tisk.)

I was one of the Top of the RLE exam in our class! weee! happy. ^^ although B- rah xa and almost C na if not because of the +1 ni sir Tan. But mayna lang! (just Imagine how hard it is coz' B- japun ang Highest namo. si Lyka!)

I spilled Icy Choco on my pants in Dunkin! huhu. The donuts on my tray were practically soaked! Good thing one Gentleman offered some help and took the tray out of my hand. (I was holding the tray with the icy choco on one hand and was taking our stuffs out of the table on the other so I could place my food well.) He immediately asked for a tissue and gave it to me. I barely had a chance to thank him since I felt embarrassed and shy. I went to the Rest Room to fix myself and when I returned, he was already gone. Sayang, I could have formally thanked him. :D And so there, I thought my food were gone and had nothing else to eat. I was with gellie and she offered half of her share. But I denied her offer. To my surprise, DUNKIN replaced all the things that I ordered! Isn't that a good service or what? From now on, I shall be promoting DUNKIN. DUNKIN's the best! They've got cool service! ^^,

On my way home, I stooped by a sari-sari store to buy load. (ssshh!! I have a temporary phone! :D) As I was waiting for the electronic load, I saw the children of the vendor eating. They were happy eating Banana with rice; talong with rice. They enjoyed savoring ever ounce of food they could take into their body even if the rice is just paired with unlikely delectable dish. I was strucked. I felt thankful but I felt ashamed. :c

wwaaaaaahh! no class tomorrow! OH YEAH!!! ST. IGNATIUS FEAST DAY. All the ATENEO (i think) have no class tomorrow. cool! ^^ but I have so many assignments, test, exams and projects. ugh. @_@

in general, I am feel cool today. Although it's weird, I feel a bit nostalgic prior to High School Life. tisk.

This is why...

2007-07-28T14:53:00.000+08:00

Copied from Cheenee Ottara :

In a brief conversation, a man asked a woman he was pursuing the question, “What kind of man are you looking for?”

She sat quietly for a moment before looking him in the eye and asking, “Do you really want to know?”

Reluctantly, he said, “Yes.”She began to expound…“

As a woman in this day and age, I am in a position to ask a man what he can do for me that I can’t do for myself. I pay my own bills. I take care of my household without the help of any man…or woman for that matter. I am in the position to ask, “What can you bring to the table?”

The man looked at her. Clearly he thought that she was referring to money.

She quickly corrected his thought and stated, “I am not referring to money. I need something more.”

“I need a man who is striving for perfection in every aspect of life.”

He sat back in his chair, folded his arms, and asked her to explain.She said, “I am looking for someone who is striving for perfection mentally because I need conversation and mental stimulation. I don’t need a simple-minded man.”

“I am looking for someone who is striving for perfection spiritually because I don’t need to be unequally yoked… believers mixed with unbelievers is a recipe for disaster.”

“I need a man who is striving for perfection financially because I don’t need a financial burden. I am looking for someone who is sensitive enough to understand what I go through as a woman, but strong enough to keep me grounded.”

“I am looking for someone who I can respect. In order to be submissive, I must respect him. I cannot be submissive to a man who isn’t taking care of his business. I have no problem being submissive… he just has to be worthy. God made woman to be a helpmate for man. I can’t help a man if he can’t help himself.”

When she finished her spiel, she looked at him.

He sat there with a puzzled look on his face.

He said, “You’re asking a lot.”She replied, “I’m worth a lot.”

>>>>>>>>>>>

almost all of my friends know what type of man can drive me nuts and crazy. Most of the times, they tell me I am dreaming of someone who does not exist....

well, what can I do? My mind is narrowed by the thought of living life on my own... so, there's a need of a man to prove me otherwise.

For years of reflection, observing and understanding realities in this world, I came to realize life is better when I need not to take consideration of another being very much closely related to me. It may be selfish, yeah, but there's just so much limitations that I foresee having someone with me. I will always have to take "him" as a factor in decision making. I will always have to be aware of his emotions, current situation, and activities. I will have to be bound to be with him (and seeing me with other guys means we're not in good terms or I am cheating). I will have to commit myself to be his personal companion most of the times. I will have to be obliged of informing him about my whereabouts. *i can enumerate more if but it would make this post long...*

Observing my blockmates who are currently in a relationship, they are subjected to always be with their significant other during lunch, break time, and even going home. Whenever there are friend get-togethers and block "laag", they are always left behind for they have to wait for their boyfriend... missing out all the fun. I know that it's their own choice and I cannot deny the fact that they are indeed happy. But I just can't fathom the thought that I will have to become a limited being just because of this (plus I feel, I am already limited... how far then, would my free ground be?) Furthermore, I want to achieve my dreams well and right. I want to pursue my mission in life without any restraints or restrictions. I don't want that one day, I'd regret not grabbing an opportunity for I must not and must have to, in order to maintain the relationship or what. And having another person means being owned. I don't want to be owned. I hate the feeling of being owned. But may be, just maybe I would entertain the thought of engaging into such situation, if and only if the guy fits the words written in the article. As I see it, the limitation is there, but the burden is lighter.

This is precisely is the reason why I am not at all easily attracted to men. Sometimes, I don't appreciate those people my friends call as head turners. I just don't settle for what satisfies my eyes, but also my heart.

I am not a man hater. I am not stone hearted. I am not an enemy of man. I am not a love-spoiler.

It just so happens that I am a woman of great dreams and hopes. And I prefer those, above all the others.

Stop or I'll sting you!

2007-07-24T20:44:00.000+08:00

Physical Attraction----most of the people are drawn by this alluring force. Force that seems to blind people and integrate their tingling senses for love. But I tell you, it is a sensation! Many are victims of this and I am one of them...

I hate it when guys start to make "porma" at me after seeing me wear skimpy clothes, fitting dresses, extravagant make-up or attractive accessories. I hate it too when guys find me pretty after viewing my friendster account and ecstatically brags at me that they've accessed my account and made some comments. I hate it more when guys waaaaaay older than me fatasize of becoming a close friend of mine (I've only allowed one person and you know who you are) and begin expressing obviously pathetic gestures just to catch my attention!

Please don't try to make a good record... You're just making a total fool of yourself! I see every ounce of actions people do and I can easily distinguish which is genuine or otherwise. I am not at all insensitive. Infact, I am very sensitive. Too sensitive that I critique all forms of actions and I rightfully "dispose" those people who are just "in" for what they see.

I appreciate more those who see beyond what I show. Those who reaches into my heart and listens to words left unspoken by it.

So please stop. Seriously, all of you please stop! before I begin to sting you...

I will have to hurt all of you if I'm left with no other choice...

sweet escape

2007-07-22T21:02:00.000+08:00

I'm loving the song sweet escape and so there is.. I have "labeled" my new shoes as instruments of my sweet escape. (whatever!)

whoosh! this blog has been empty for so long. well, well, well, i need time! T-I-M-E! and miraculously, I have time (to blog)! but come to think of it, this isn't actually a free time. Tentenenen! I am procrastinating again... haha.

This day has been a "worry-free" and "stress-free" day because I am not working on any school stuffs, I did not text the whole day, I am ignoring the fact that I will receive a "pangasaba" from my crew tomorrow and my mom bought me TWO pairs of new shoes!! weee!

Two pairs, making it four shoes! haha. :D I don't know what got into her mind (but I'm really glad whatever that is) but she woke me saying I should get all of my stuffs done coz' well go out and buy shoes! In an instant, I stood out of bed and ate breakfast (I had fried shrimp! num!) Actually, I've been complaining about my school shoes for a long time already. And one time, I kept bugging my mom to buy me a new pair, and she said wait..wait.. wait... my waiting has finally paid off. And not only did I get one new pair of shoes, I got two! all black! sweet! The other black flat shoes are actually casual shoes. Since ballet style shoes are "in" and I since I also find it cute, I bought it! now I have TWO shoes. I'm so eager to wear them na. nyay! :D

Hmmmm... It's pretty peculiar for me to suppress the feeling of self pity. I am actually sad at this very moment thinking about how will I manage to face Ate Honey tomorrow and explain to her what happened last Saturday and why sir Vitorillo got pissed off. huhuhu. I'm scared but I am not making such feeling eat me. I'm managing it so that it will be tolerable. Hopefully, I can make handle it well.

School sucks. Well, I suck. I am totally in the edge of make or break in chemistry. Ghad! I am so stupid at this subject. I suck. I failed our long tests. And now I'm hating it. Errrrr... And I don't know how to cope up with this matter. I totally screwed my grades because of this. eerrrr...

But nevertheless, I still find one good reason to go to school and strive, strive, strive! my crush. eeeeek! haha. Well, he's my blockmate. He's so smart, charming, cute, HOT! Nyaaaahahah! whenever I see him, I get this electrifying feeling of being "kilig"! I know its OA and eewww but I am enjoying it. It's been long since I last felt this feeling (approximately 2 yrs ago). And now, its back and I'm enjoying every single bit of it. And this feeling reaches its zenith every Friday during our P.E class. In our PE, we're taking Table tennis, and well.. I am sorta good at this and he is too! so meaning, since my other classmates are still learning how to play, we only got each other to play with, to play a really nice game of table tennis. I'm enjoying every moment we spend together. (char! yucks! hahahha. :D)

although from time to time, I really wanna escape from reality. I want to pause nor to stop. I want just for a small range of time to be free. Free from all other things. Free from work, school, books, lectures, friends, enemies, lovers, all the rest! I just want to spend time with myself and my God. haaaayzzz.. I need a retreat! And this would be a perfect sweet escape...

You want to know my best friend?

2007-07-15T11:41:00.000+08:00

My best friend has always been my close friend. We share many likes and dislikes for which I think is one of the reasons why we got close. Every time I crouch in bed feeling physical or emotional pain, he's always there to ease the it. Every time when I walk on a road alone, I never get scared for I know somewhere in the corners, I'd see him and be with me. My best friend comforts me too, and really takes good care of me. He constantly reminds me to be happy and feel my heart.

What I like about my best friend is his sweet words of wisdom. Our talks always leaves in me in awe or leaves me a thought to ponder. I enjoy every moment I spend with my best friend. In fact sometimes, when we sit together, we imagine ourselves sitting in a colossal land with tiny flowers of all sort of colors scattered resting upon the vast green meadow. We imagine ourselves freely running through the garden filled with aromatic fumes from flowers, fruits and trees, and we then start to chase each other tickling one's ticklish spot when caught.

My best friend is not the kind of friend who's just there when fun is present. Mind you, he even scolds me or worse, makes "mahay" every time I commit a mistake and hurt him.

My best friend knows the deepest secrets I keep. He knows a lot of my weaknesses, he knows a lot of my flaws. Yet inspite and despite of these negative notions, he still chooses to love me and continues to care for me.

I cannot live with out my best friend. I may be a little neglective of him, but I do LOVE him. The kind of love, connection that I never felt with others. I feel free when I am with him. And I am very glad to have the chance to embrace this kind of friendship.

But there's one distinct characteristic I find of my best friend. When we hold hands as we imaginatively attempt to fly, I feel bumps of dry skin exactly at the center of his palm through the back of his hand. Some what a dried wound that never became a scar for the past thousand years. =)

***********************************

Im sad. :( school is driving me crazy.... Im getting oh so low grades in Organic Chem. plus in our lab. :( i want to break down already... huhuhuuuhuhuhuhu. *cries*

Mood: Happy! :D (edited version, eeeek!!!)

2007-06-28T21:05:00.000+08:00

I feel great this for the past days. Really, really great. Well, there were days (hhmm... 3 days to be exact) that I felt a bit cranky and hot tempered but all the rest, I felt light and happy.

>I have a blockmates who's "babawness" when it comes to laughing is really low. I mean, a simple corney (or not even funny at all) joke makes her laugh wildly. as in WILDLY. and when she does this, I say to myself "chill" hehe.:D

>I also have a super Genius Guy blockmate. (who happens to be my crush. eeeek! haha. :D)

>My blockmates are really cool! I easily felt comfortable with them. Thanks to that recollection where some of us revealled painful experience in our life. I love recollections. (and retreats!)

>Philosophy of man has a new syllabus now! The Philosophy of our Philosophy Teacher. haha.:D This is suppose to be a subject talking about Philosophy of MAN but instead, most of the time he talks about his personal life! gwaaad.

> Our RS teacher is super boooooooring. *rolls her eyes* Hell to the max! I am so interested at this subject but his discussions make me want to jump off the 6th floor! @_@

> We got the coolest Chemistry Lab teacher! Instead of the normal process of filling-up the Observation part, answer to questions, conclusions and analysis, he only requires us to SHOW the Obeservations part and the rest are to be passed next week! (which gives us enough time to search and answer well! neat! )

>Then I got a butterfly bookmark from our Health Care teacher ^_^ (This made me really happy today. hehe) She is none other than Ms. Sheila Mae O. Sia. =) She's really so generous and gentle. He gave all of us bookmarks and each has a quotation printed on it. Mine is simple yet meaningful, "Every person is worth understanding." I believe in this.

>The scorging heat of STC 6th floor, Xavier Hall and Physics Lab is unbareable! I get crabby when classes are held here. haaaayzzz.. But i've got no other option but inflict self dosage of "lightness" hehe.

>NO class on Friday but hell, we are topped with MANY assignments! (for which, Fr. Jett called as STUDY day.) aaaaahh. Bummer. No break from school work still. But atleast, it's a bit lighter. ;)

>I am madly crazy inlove with the current book I am reading. "The Fifth Mountain" by Paolo Cuelho. I must read it! Tomorrow I will spend my free time reading it. I got it from kuya Bobot. I sneaked it off his table with his consent. haha. :D

>And, and, and!!! My Barkada and I are always having lunch together! (sweet! ^_^) And even after class, we meet and eat at dunkin. (we are so gastadora. I swear!) I just love their company. Their mere presence greatly brighten my day and I begin to smile all throughout. Their laughter is music to my ears. I really Love them. But sadly, one of us is experiencing pain. :( All we could offer her is assurance, comfort, care and our company. And of course, LOVE from all of us. I pray she'll be well. I do love her, and I don't like it when I see her in pain. haaaayzzzz. But over all, I am proud to say that now, I belong to a herd wehre I am loved, welcomed and cared. Basta LOVE ko sila. Sobra. :)

*uy kuya! Li nako friendly na walang friend. :P*

>And Im really having cool days. as in "chill" maxado. School work is demanding as always but I am not pressuring myself on this very much, so I am not anxious or what over School matter. And to break the record of the series of "Unfortunate Events" I went through over summer, I have had light, and happy days in long successions. ^_^

>I want to have a puppy! Lately, I have had the urge to own a puppy. A really cute puppy. A labrador puppy to be exact. :D I want to experience the feeling of cuddling something when I reach home (aside from my pillow). Something that really responds to my hugs and baby talk. (like licking me. hehehe. :D) give me a puppy! :P

>Recently, I've been haunted by the memories I had with friends. Especially those who are somewhere far from CDO. Haaaayz. I miss them so much! as in! :( But what can I do? I'm here and they're there. But I hope they know my love for them is still burning with great exaltation. drama. But really, I do miss them.

In general, I am happy, cool, light. I feel loved and cared. I am always inspired to look forward for the next day rather than being resentful.

But all of these, I wouldn't feel with out my constant companion friends. Kating, Gellie, Cese, Ed, Vicky. They always inspire me to do things I want to do. They always make me believe in myself. Even if we jokingly dream of becoming professionals one day and that we imagine ourselves 10-20 years from now and what possible "kanchaws" can we do to our status (like ed having to support 5 children of cuenca) this very thought drives me to fight and to graduate in nursing! and you know what? I want One day to repay them for all the things they have given to me. This I will keep as a promise. One day, I will. I really will. :D

It's nice to love and be in love. Addictive feeling! ^^

mixed. cannot comprehend!

2007-06-22T18:41:00.000+08:00

today I am angry. mad. pissed. I got mad at my friends. And I know it is my fault. I just hate it when I get mad. My temper's raging violently and it takes so much silencing to relax myself. Silencing that involves both myself and others. (that's why I don't talk when I get mad or that I want others to talk to me.) And I got pissed of the thought that I got mad at them. Yet, we're not in war though...ay ambot!

so what's up with me?

2007-06-20T20:28:00.000+08:00

weird! im am happy (sorta) I don't have a fone! haha. :D although from time to time, I do feel the urge to go and get one due to convenience. But never the less, I think I can survive without it. haha. and you know? I actually am trying to punish myself. Ishouldn't have fone yet. Until at the atmost time only. And besides, my RLE class does not allow the use of fone and if ever any of us is seen using one, EXTENSION for 4 hours! gosh. Atleast, I am safe from that. haha. But I just really hate it when people ask me of my number then I say, "sorry, I lost my phone." Gaaah. it reminds me of that painful feeling. ugh.

and what else? I am done performing my Return demo! haha. Well, I did not A-ced it. But it's ok. I think for our CI the highest point he gave is 51 out of 60 which is B and I am happy bout it. :D no more pressures here..

hmmmm... I also got myself in a theater group. and I am the Stage manager of one of the plays! (Pepe-Rizal) gaaaaaahh!! i don't know why I said yes. But hmmm.. as long as it does not affect my studies, I will be fine with it. And as long as i don't have to go home really late. I met some of the memeber of the group and I am glad to know the ones I will be managing are Plus-minus 2 years older/younger than me. :D I guess, I can manage this. I hope.

and yeah. I attend morning eucharist in XU. So I wake-up really early to be on time but most of the time, I am late. gaaaah. haha. But I don't take waking early as another burden or what. It's even nice when I get to wake-up early so I could get myself ready for the day, right and well. And it's such a nice experience celebrating eucharist in the mornig because it starts your day right. I just love the feeling of peace and tranquility inside the chapel at this time of the day. sweet!

RLE class is hard. It has always been hard. Haaaaayyyyzzzz... I really hope I will pass nursing. Please pray for me.

and oh! nyaaahahahah! I have had close encounters with the Campus Crush (Fr.Jett) for the past two days. nyahahaha! and during those encounters, I just couldn't stop myself but smile with lips widely spread. haha. Gosh. He's really THE MAN IN CAMPUS! all hail him. waaah! kidding. :D and oh... kating's crush is now my friend. (and he's one HOT guy, mind you!) I even made "hapak" him coz he made "kurat me!" and then he started murmuring na dili daw ko gapamansin! my gosh. malay ko bah naa xa. and memeng.. gapanglahos jud akong panan-aw. I look at distant objects and places that I do not notice the people right infront or near me! aaaaaahhh, bummer! and this did not happen once to him, the next time (like 10 mins after) I crossed right infront of him and he was the first to notice me again. and then he started to make mahay na pud. haaayzzz! paxenxa na lang jud. hehe. :D

today, I have seem my very long lost bestfriend in grade school. we haven't seen each other for 4 freakin' years! would you believe that?? we are in CDO but that was the first time we met after 4 years!! and no communication in between that ha. It so happened that we were ridding the same jeepney and the whole trip, we just talked, reminisced and laughed! awwwwwhhhhh.. that was a nice encounter for today.

Today I am happy. I feel light, I feel good. Thank you, lord. I love you. mwah!

just a thought.

2007-06-14T20:00:00.000+08:00

it's rather fairly odd to think that it just takes 2 hours to rigorously discuss the different stages of man's development, but it takes a life time to go through it. :D

Hold me Gently

2007-06-10T13:03:00.000+08:00

Oh dear destiny,

You have slapped your waves of despair tirelessly on me. Pain runs through my veins as tear stream down my valliant looking eyes. Oh destiny, permit me for once to be joyous that I may have the grace of happiness in me. My heart and soul has bled countless times and I don't know anymore if I should continue on to count for crusades won or lost. Let your hand swiftly embrace me when I feel like breaking apart. Please be gentle on me too. I've become too fragile as your waters of despair took out chucky flesh of "the fighting spirits" from me. I'm becoming half empty and half full as you continue on your painful business. Hold me gently... oh please, hold me gently.

Your sufferer,
meily

blooperz ka dooperz

2007-06-03T16:22:00.000+08:00

there were funny things that happened to me the past days. I wanna share it here coz' it seems this blog has been trashed with too much low-level emotions. (if you know what I mean)

First Event:

During the sleep over, we tried to imitate pussy cat dolls. as in trying with all our might to copy and memorize the steps in their music videos and concert! *aaaahahahaha* Then later on, we realized we can never be like them. The simple act of dancing like a stripper is not as easy as how we perceive it could be. hahaha. Then we ended up with a scandal instead. *evil laugh*

Second Event:

Last Friday, some of my Ogilvie friends gathered to bid farewell to the manila pipz who will be flying back there for school. We tried to fit-in in a motorela. (we were like sardines stuffed in a small tin can!) But still, two of our friends couldn't fit in no more. So they had to take another motorela and us (the sardine-like situation) went our way to M2. (M2 is the new Karaoke bar in the City). But unfortunately, the motorela can't make "hatud" us at the door step of that place but instead only at the intersection. At the intersection, we decided to wait for the remaining two other souls. Then a little while, we just realized we were near the establishment of Navigator. (Navigator is a Gay Bar. You know, where guys get stripped and all. *i think* haha) I don't know what got into our rotten minds but we gave a pose and took a shot directly in front of navigator! *and the heck! everyone that passed by looked at us!* Some of us felt ashamed but they couldn't stand to fight the flow against the many who were game with whatever we were doing! luoy... Then another thing, Michael bought some Jollibee treats for us. They were wrapped in plastic bags. Then vicky came in the picture and took the bag containing the fries and sat (as in pulubi like) in the middle of the vacant area! she tagged along ed and the two really looked rather awful than funny! but we all just gave it a laugh... There was even one who uttered, "Bai, kung makit.an tah diri bah... matingala na lang na sila kei ngano ang mga Ogilvie gi abot man sa Navigator!" Then someone replied, "Dili bei, nasobraan lang man jud tah sa ANAPHYSIO. *i want to insert* We just have to appreciate bodies in general." hahaha. funny thought. Then, thank God the two arrived! (whew!)

Third event:

That same day with the mini get-together and that navigator rush, i went home really late. (since i still insisted on having a dinner with them and did pretty good well with the convincing part) I reached home with gates open, lights off and doors locked. But good thing, I remembered I brought my keys. *whew!* I tried to sneak in so I won't be scolded. And by sneaking in, i mean not turning on the lights and make as minimal noise as possible. So there, I unlocked the door, closed it gently and did not turn on the lights. I was confident our sala was clear with chairs, and tables. Though it wasn't at all, I was still able to see them. But tragically, I missed to remember papa placed the folding bed there pala! So with out warning, my right fibia bone hit it! *ouch! huhu* Everyone was asleep so I shouldn't make any noise. Even though I wanted to scream and shout out the pain, i had to drag myself to my room and crush the pillow instead to let out whatever lingering pain that was left! It was a painful experience but found it funny afterwards. Especially the part when I went to my room absorbing the excruciating pain to myself. haha. (that was funny and painful at the same time! :D) And now that spot is all bruised and dark. And when I touch it, i get the ouchies again. Dah! laagan man! haha.

SLEEP OVER

2007-05-31T20:19:00.000+08:00

Last night, i had a sleep over with my friends. That was the first time i had a sleep over that's not school related. :D

actually, the reason why we had sleep over is because of that video we had to edit. This editing part took so much time! I had to stay up till 4 am just to patch-up things. (i wasn't finished that time ha?) But it's ok. It's all worth it. (diba gellie?:D) and to think, i slept at 4 am the day before

We had candle light dinner with matching rain and christmas lights on. We had scandalous pictures and videos. haha. we had corned beef for every meal. *lami man pud* (we had to cook our own since my mom wont) We had never ending pictures. They (kating, cese, ed) owned my computer. We drank coke and iced tea (alternate for every meal) We had a sleepless night. We had laughs. We sweat. We danced. We stripped. haha.

over all, it was fun. F-U-N, FUN!

and oh, this was ONE OF THE scandal videos i took. haha.

If you know these people... sssshhh!! they will kill me if they know i posted this. Unless they discover themselves. haha. :D

if i were to speak my heart. this is it...

2007-05-28T23:05:00.000+08:00

id never trade this for anything else.

2007-05-28T00:50:00.000+08:00

there are things money cannot buy.

there are things only the heart can understand.

there are things that are kept silent.

there are things that are almost left behind.

there are things that needs to be here. (on earth)

and i am very glad...

despite the world's madness and chaos...

i had people like them around. :)

My fone.. my precious phone..

2007-05-24T21:17:00.000+08:00

Ever lost something so precious?

I did. I did. I did. Yesterday, I did. :(

I lost my phone...

The thought of it is excruciating.

I don't have it on my palm.
My eyes yearns to look at the LCD.

My fingers are in itch to text.

I love that phone.

I took so much care of it...

Despite its unit and looks..

I LOVED IT AND I AM STILL LOVING IT.

That was the only thing I actually owned.

The only thing that I can call my own.

The only thing I had for myself.

I did not allow others to borrow it.

I did not allow others to read my messages

I did not allow others even to play with it.

THAT PHONE WAS MINE, MINE, MINE!

That phone too was my voice.

That served to be my eyes in cyber world.

Through the messages I send

I text what I cannot utter in the real world.

That phone was my bridge.

My bridge to my love ones, to my friends, to my dearests..

Through my phone, I show my affection,

my care, my love...

To compensate the absence, the time, the distance.

Oh! how I cant stop but weep...

waking up every morning not hearing the alarm from my phone...

waking up and feeling blank, not being able to tinker my phone...

losing the thing that keeps me company and keeps me from being idle

looking at others, enjoying the sweet bond of their phone.

hearing the same message tone and

remembering my very own phone.

Waiting... with my hand as idle as my heart.

I care so much about that phone.

In fact, I love it so much.

My heart is broken...

Shattered to ~~pieces~~ bits of pieces...

I lost it in such an unexpected and unwanted time.

I lost it at my utmost need of rejuvenation.

I lost it on an imperfect time.

I've been through a lot...

REALLY a lot this summer.

The least I expected was to be happy...

As summer class concludes.

How can I be happy now?

When I lost that one thing..

the only material thing that I loved the most.

If only to shed a thousand tears...

would cease the pain I feel.

If only I could stop missing my phone.

If only... oh God, just if only... :(

As golum would say,

"My precious"

Oh yes! my phone..

my phone is MY PRECIOUS.

Oh! my precious phone...

Where are you?

I miss you so much...

mga hinaing...

2007-05-20T21:00:00.000+08:00

natapus na ang eleksyon... may nanalo. may natalo. pero, marami ang nandaya. Akala ko, hindi totoo ang "vote buying"... mali pala ako. Nakita ko mismo, mismo ng mga mata ko. For once, nahiya ako. Nahiya ako na Pilipino ako. Na kapwa ko'y nandaraya.. at pumayag namang madaya. Nakakahiya ang ginawa niyo... naniwala pa naman ako.

Politics is dirty. It will always be dirty!

************************************

My days in the past has not been easy... I'm experiencing pretty tough rides. Anxiety strikes again! Then again.. self pity. When, oh when will I be proud of myself? When will I be happy of what I am? When will I find my heart beat the melody of my soul? And why do I ALWAYS experience this "soul searching" mode?

I am a girl of great deep thoughts. I think deep, and I experience pain deeply. I hide the pain because I don't want to appear as if I am living in misery. Yet, who am I fooling? I know I can't always be like this... but, I can't come out talking about my pains and hurts to someone, I just can't. Or maybe, I choose not to. Well, I don't easily open-up to people. That's the problem... I am very unsure upon what to share, what to say. I am afraid of what might come out of my mouth. I don't want, oneday, that the people involved would hear what I uttered. And that I might hurt them. Or that they would be sorry, that they would start to feel self pity. This I wont allow. I'd rather take the pain for myself. Living for 17 years, I think I have hurt enough people. I have made a number of souls shed a tear or two. As long as I can stop myself from hurting, I would do whatever it takes. Even if absorbing all of life's selfishness. If this be a curse I would take forever, let it be. My heart has had many scars... I think there is still space to leave some more. If this be the way I could affirm to myself that I have used my life not in waste, not in disgust, not in selfishness... If this be the way I could say I would be spiritually happy.. If this be the way I can show my care, affection, love, friendship.. If this be the way I could raise my chin and be proud... God, I give you my heart. Take it. The Whole of it. ~~And please.. Can you take my life with it too?~~ Much of my life, I have lived in resentment... Atleast, what I could do about it is to live a life of utmost purpose. I've got a feeling, I would be really happy there. :)

*****************

School work is hell. I hate Statistics. I will aways hate Statistics. Maybe because of our teacher.. (sorry, but I blame her) Ghad! I don't get whatever she discusses. She introduces this process in class, but when the exams come.. we have to figure out the process! walay pulos ang iyang discussion... errrr... mas makasabot pako kung magread ko! ay.. ambot na lang jud. I am extremely having low grades. Ghad! I hate it. I have it. I hate it. Samuk! huhu.

HEAR the call, RESPOND to that call!

2007-05-09T20:37:00.000+08:00

There's a right response to every call.

Many movements were organized to shout for justice in our land. Cries that were desperately addressed were, most of the time, junked out to the subconsciousness of individuals. Or maybe by some, were heard but were abruptly ignored as time started to descend. The incapacity of the many to care atleast not for themselves but for the majority has become increasingly out of control. Many have become apathetic! (pardon me) It reached in such alarming rate that even a simple act of voting has become an option rather than an obligation. (I cannot vote still, but If I could, I would)

Our country is calling you. We all need a response from you. Your vote should be heard!

Enough of the lame excuses, enough of the ingenious promises, enough of the never-ending objections of the system, you are now given the chance to change it. Your vote counts! We are counting on it.

I am but a student who cannot stop but hear all these chaotic on-goings in the seat of government. I cannot just ignore this! I am part of this society. I am a Filipino! And I am calling all my abled Filipino Voters to PLEASE VOTE FOR THE SAKE OF OUR COUNTRYMEN.

Argumentum Misericordiam-----don't get your mercy run over your vote. Don't get the mercy of yourself take over your vote! A package of food, a few amount of money, a hand shake-----these are but superficial reasons based on irrationality. These cannot change the state of our country, these cannot change your state!

Think of how precious your vote is. The souls (and future) of a thousand rest upon the strokes of your hand as you write their names on that electoral paper.

I am 17 and I still have my hopes up for this country. I still believe to what my fellow Filipinos can do. I still trust that each and everyone would think for the common good.

Feel what our land is feeling. Hear the call, respond to that call!

I lament over my computer.

2007-05-07T14:48:00.000+08:00

My computer has risen but have died. :D

It's so sad... due to the helplessness of my computer, the technician (who happens to be my cousin) had no other option but to reformat the computer, deleting every single file in it. :(

I feel sad. I have had treasured so much files with so much memories in that computer... from the chats I had with special people, to the pictures and down to my personal journals and compositions. The pictures of my classmates for which I am the only who had a copy, especailly our graduation pix. The journals, that I composed when I felt the utmost need of communicating with myself, for which I have always kept a secret for so long, now are gone. The works I have been working on... now, I have to go back to where I started! and some of the things I have started to encode already, I fear I did not keep a copy of those. huhu. (and I lost them all and I have no back-up copy for those.) They are all but a thing of the past now... What a pain this is for me. I hate this. I can no longer access them and refresh the memories I had.

I guess this is a start of a new beginning for my life, and for my computer. New memories to build, new treasures to keep. But i'm too darn down to start.... too hurt to start a memory. Now I fear to upload photos in my pc. haaaayzzz.... ambot. sakit! huhu

haaaaaaayyyyzzz... sayang lang jud. :(

He's my hero

2007-05-05T18:33:00.000+08:00

yes! oh yes! my hero... (and perhaps, my fantasy. haha)

I just watched Spiderman3 about an hour ago.. and I sooooooo looooooovveeee it!!! The story is very touchy, inspiring and full of lessons about life, love and most of all, FRIENDSHIP. I just couldn't get the hang of it. gosh. I love Peter Parker. :P

I love the story.. the best of Spiderman so far. I was amused of beginning part. Then, there was a scene there that featured the man who escaped from prison. As he escaped, he went directly to their house to see his daughter. It was such a sweet scene. His wife disgusted him... then he said this line. "I am not a bad man. I am just having bad luck." I can so relate with this... haaaaayzzz... I believe some people are not really bad when the whole world thinks they are. (I know how it feels. I was one of them) Then, by the middle, i couldn't help but feel the agony of Peter. Having to lose hold of his MJ, his temper, himself. Then here comes harry. He became bad! sooo bad that he attacked Petter! Even had the guts to show himself...

My favorite character is Sandman. His story is sad but at the same time, inspiring... He was the one who Killed Pete's uncle. (BUT, it was accidental) I thought he was bad at first, but later on, found his character very heart-warming. All the things he did was not for himself. He said, he had no choice... his daughter was dying and he badly needed the money. he said something like, "I did not want these things to happen. All I wanted was to save my daughter. I had no choice. She's all that I've got." Very sweet indeed. Such a good father if you ask me.

By the end of the movie.. I was practically crying the whole time!! Even after the movie and during the trailers. haha! (You see, I've got this thing.. It's so hard to stop myself from crying once I start to cry!) Kashia was laughing at me already. (bad au!) basta you should watch it! Very inspiring! very touchy!! I love it!!

"You start with the hardest part, forgive yourself"
"The choices we make, makes us who we are. We all can have the right choice."
"You are loved by your friends."

Lord, I offer my days to you.

2007-05-01T15:44:00.000+08:00

I Offer My Life

All that I am, all that I have
I lay them down before you O Lord
All my regrets, all my acclaim
The joy and the pain, I'm making them yours
Chorus:
Lord I offer my life to You
Everything I've been through
Use it for your glory
Lord I offer my days to You
Lifting my praise to You
As a pleasing sacrifice
Lord I offer You my life
Things in the past, things yet unseen
Wishes and dreams that are yet to come true
All of my hopes, all of my plans
My heart and my hands are lifted to You.

I saw this video in youtube and I really love it so much! I find the creativity very amazing! I've been looking for this song since I heard it. I was moved by the lyrics and the melody... perfect words to fit what my heart tries to speak. Lord, I love you. Ü

love doctor, i am sick

2007-04-28T12:37:00.000+08:00

gaaaahh.. I've been searching the net to look for that butterfly template i wanted. The black with purple and butterfly button. I need it for our computer class. I was planning to pattern our site from it, but can't find it. *sigh* I have a copy of it in the computer actually, but then again... the PC is busted. as in dead. no more power. none. dead. it wont launch! huhu. Now my problem is, how to deal with it when infact, i've got a computer project due this Thursday, then math project, due this Friday. ssshhhheeeesss... of all time! *Lord, have mercy.... I need the PC to work.*

and in connection with the title of this post... I've got this unusually odd situation. Unusual, since I don't normally do this. Odd, since I find it really hard to deal with.

I've got this guy friend.He and I had a major misunderstanding months before... you know, boy-girl thing. Then it lasted for long to the point that he and I no longer talked. (and i was making "iwas" the usual thing I do. haha) His father died just a week ago. When our block visited him, I got the chance to talk to him and then we became friends again. I actually planned to befriend him way before but grabbed no chance to do so. Well actually, the reason why we had this thing is because, at first... i liked him.. then slowly he liked me... by the time he did, I was no longer interested. (hahahaha. short term kaau!) Then I got so annoyed of his "ways of expressing" that i resulted to repressing, ignoring and avoiding.. But we're friends now. Yet, the thing is... he's annoying me of his "ways of expressing" again. I mean, I know what he's doing is not that much as how he used to, but I feel, it's starting again.. and really, this time, I'm very sure I'm so over him. No more chance, really. (sorry) Now my problem is, I'm caught up between two opposing forces. I want to accompany him because I know it would really be helpful, but i'm also afraid he might think I'm giving him another chance. Sometimes, he asks me to accompany him and I just couldn't say no. (I don't want to say no. I don't want him to feel bad. Not now) I care for his situation right now, at the same time, I care for his situation in the future. I'm just so confused... It's really out of care and generosity that I do some stuffs for him. (bad keow ko noh??) But i don't know... I'm not yet into falling-in-love stuffs, or serious relationship thing. I want to enjoy MY life, still. I feel I haven't extracted the last remaining juices of childhood yet. (haha) my heart cares, but my mind dictates. tisk. I feel I'm about to get sick..

Do you know I am like this?

2007-04-24T20:32:00.000+08:00

I am very selective when eating fish. :P

I don't and won't wear a ring unless it's my wedding ring. (that is if i get married. haha)

I'm mad listening to religious songs. (haha)

I am a blue baby. (am I? hmmm...)

I can't stop smiling when I am happy. But I get so grumpy when I get mad or bad trip. :D

I can sing with a whistle voice. (is that how you call it?)

When I sleep, I hold my hands, at some point before actually sleeping. (then I imagine holding the hand of the person I want to hold hands with for that certain time. haha)

I've got hearing problems. (I think) haha.

I snore. (eeeeeewww) well, that's what they say. (of course, you can't hear yourself snore.)

I can easily cry but I rarely cry. (you get it? and oh, that's in public)

I am a frustrated photographer and graphics designer. (ngek!)

I talk to myself (in english) most of the time. (it's my way of practising my english and speaking ability. so don't be surprised. haha)

I've viewed almost all of the episodes of "Spongebob Squarepants" and memorized most of the lines. (actually, not just "spongebob" but most of Nickelodeon cartoons.haha)

If your hero is superman, mine is spiderman. :->

There's always a thought running in my mind most especially when I am silent.

I read philosophical books. :D

I've noticed, I can't speak straight bisaya. It's always mixed with english. (hey, I still speak bisaya. don't cha worry)

I sleep in a prison cell. (well, my room is like a prison cell, it has no windows.)

I can memorize lines from movies even if I've viewed it once.

I am a bookworm. (actually, depends on the book. haha)

I only eat the heart part when the filipino dish "atay" is served. (the heart of thre chicken is attached to the lungs. I just eat the heart, my favorite part)

I love to investigate. (Sometimes, I imagine myself as part of the CSI. :D)

I'm so into animals. Infact, aside from watching Nickelodeon (to which I first set the channel when I turn on the tv), I tune in to Animal Planet, NGC, Discovery Channel. (I wished to become a Vet but I know I just cant.)

My greatest fantacy is to fly. (haha)

photshop itch.

2007-04-22T02:10:00.000+08:00

This is a photo of me and my beloved "bed buddy"---Winnie The pooh! I loooove this pillow.

It's the only thing that knows the truth about me.

The only thing that have witnessed my pains.

The only thing that gives me comfort with its delightful hug full of tender.

The ONLY I call, "BABY"

And hhmmmm... one part of me i love is my eyes.

It's true. With this, I speak.

That's why others see me as maldita. Coz' I've got oh so expressive eyes.
Blazing when angered. (haha)

Smile!!

I am vain. Haha. :D But this will be the last. *wink*

gah. this computer is so loading.

2007-04-19T19:58:00.000+08:00

ok. this sucks. our computer is sooooooo loading! errrr... lami na keow i-labay ngetz. :D But neh... that would mean, no computer till I manage to buy one for myself. haha. But atleast, it still works. Just needs soooooooo much patience from me. errrr.... ultimate test. haha. :P

anyway, this is odd. I blogged twice for today. haha. Neh.. I just feel like it. So allow me. :D

So far, my first few days in schools were fine. Had some quizzes and seatworks. (I JUST passed our quizz about map in History. haha) And I lurve my sched!! The 3hours and 3omins break is so cool. It gives me time to do things I don't normally do. (Like write a journal, read a book, muni-muni) Yesterday, one of my friend's father died. :c I felt the pain when I looked into his eyes. I felt sad at the same time. But here was the sadder part... That guy and I were not in good terms. Not that nag-away mi but lets say.... kinda, ulaw-ulaw because of some girl-boy misunderstanding matter. I had a hard time reaching out to him. But I had to conquer it all. I held his hand and hugged him. :D (for me, that was such a brave act you know!) Then I don't know... I just felt better now that we're talking and texting. Then just this morning, I had some pretty good encounters with those people I had a bit issues with. It's amazing how a little smile could tell a person "we're ok" (I just hope their smiles were for real. coz' mine was true). So far, school life is running smoothly... i hope it goes on for more days. (fingers crossed) But then again, my kamalasan is still not over. Just yesterday, I lost my envelope which contained ALL of my school suplies. gaaaaaahhh. ( I keep on losing stuffs uy!) I lost everything. From notes, to hand outs, to pens. So again, I bought new stuffs early today. And i had to photocopy the given handouts for our history and stat subject. I also copied notes (again) from my blockmates this afternoon. But it's okay. Atleast, what I lost we're just school supplies. I could still buy another set. Then again, nasayanagn jud ko atong butterfly na notepad that was given to my by Cese on my birthday. huhu. It was a cutie pa naman.

And oh! stat (as of now) is sooooo boring! Maybe because our teacher's kinda oldie and has a MONOTONE voice. Monotone because she speaks as if the words or sentences she utters have no intonation. :D (haha!) My seatmate and I keep on giggling with this thought. And aside from that, we just draw cartoons (like my unlikely eagle drawing) on our handouts and laugh at the result. (haha)

But I feel sad today. Nostalgic to be exact. Reading some post in our Ogilvie site triggered this feeling. I had the sudden rush of missing High School life, High School friends. I miss them so much!

And today too, my kuya went fly fly to thailand nah.... :c I miss him na. He'll be there for quite sometime and that means, I wont be able to text him. ugh. I hope he's ok there. Miss you!

and, and!! i miss my lilsis. *snif,snif* we're in CDO but we don't see each other that often! But i did see her last sunday... I hugged her, but left right away because she was with his kuya. I felt shy. (haha)

Kris Aquino labored today... la lang.. :P

computer. my computer.

2007-04-19T09:44:00.001+08:00

ahahaha. our computer teacher's not around. (or is she?:P) And we're suppose to have a quiz now. and i did not study. aahahaha. Some of my blockmates are busy finishing the exercises we did yesterday, and since I finished it ahead of time, I'm now down to doing nothing. ugh. But it's ok. Atleast I found sometime to sneak into blogger and post. :D

So far my summer classes are fine. Got a bit caught-up with the schedule though... but it's ok. Computer class is from 8:50-10:20a.m then History 11 (life of Rizal) 10:30-12:20 and then super loooooooooong break from 12:20-4:00. Ten minutes after would then be my Math 11 (stat) class. hmmmmm... I wonder what I can do during that long break. hhhmmmm... I listed some activities though (haha) I got surf the internet, read, read, read, and read.. then study for math! Atleast, given with that long break, i wouldn't have to stay up late comprehending my lessons in math. I could use an hour or so of my break to study. In that way, I could really come prepare in class.

and my computer at home is busted. Well, it's not really busted that it's not functioning. It does not turn on immediately. Something's wrong with the connection or switches. (I really don't know) But when it's on... it functions well but sometimes logging... Someone told me if I reformat it, it would run smoothly. I'm still thinking bout it... and I'm still looking for a technician and time. gaaaahhh..

and oh!! i had a weird dream last night... I dreamt about a huge thunderstorm. Really scary storm. Roofs of houses were blown away, trees were uprooted, and the place was so dark. In my dream, I knew it was summer and I wondered how a thunderstorm could happen in the middle of a summer heat?!? well, that was all I can remember. pretty weird though. haha.

oooopppss!! got to sneak out now.
will write soon! ^^

computer. my computer.

2007-04-19T09:44:00.000+08:00

Inevitable. Unavoidable. Unstoppable.

2007-04-13T16:12:00.000+08:00

Inevitable. Unavoidable. Unstoppable.

Three words that man have come to book in a dictionary given with meanings that are at least similar in a sense. But these are not just words used to beautify a sentence in a creative writing contest. These are words mostly used as an adjective to describe an awfully truthful event in each and every one's life.

A priest once made mention during his homily about the saddest lines man has articulated.

"if only...."
"what if..."
"i shouldn't have..."

After every event when something goes wrong, these so called "sad lines" are uttered and one can't help but feel awfully sad and helpless.. "ghad! if only..." (hear the emotions behind these words) But take a hault and think.... What happened is inevitable, unavoidable and unstoppable. It's beyond every mortals' power and control. It's beyond our hands. And it's not even under HIS divine power.

Life is a combat where in a soldier has to fight even if he is not prepared. He has to stand straight and be firm just like every other soldier positioning themselves in the battle line obeying their commander, their leader. And no matter how many bullets or bombs that come right at him, he has to face it with all bravery and might. Whatever comes, it's inevitable, unavoidable, unstoppable. Then only on his death will people know that he gave up everything he got for that one final blow.

But come to think of it, he could have done something right? Maybe find a shield to protect himself, or look for a spot to hide and wait for the area to clear. But no. He didn't because he obeyed his master's command. That is to fight and never to surrender. So there was his reward. Eternal rest. Peace. Honor.

I trimmed my hair!

2007-03-25T21:47:00.000+08:00

I had my hair trimmed this after. neat! haha. ^_^ well, I've had long hair ever since 4th year. It was because during last months of second year life, I cut it really short. As in boy look-a-like. (ghad! what came into my freak mind that time that I cut it really short? well, freaky) Hmmm.. maybe it was because it became very frizzy and dry when I had my first hair treatment. I wasn't able to maintain it. Like every month, hot oil. Then re-relax and all. So there, I decided to cut the whole part of my hair that became frizzy and dry and grow a new one. Yet, I totally looked embarassing! short hairs are not for me! ( super eeewwww! :P) So I complemeted to what happened to my hair and decided to grow my hair really long. As in really, really long. The longest hair I would ever have! And I did! haha. It was really long. I did not cut it for 2 years. And it reached my waist line by summer of 4th year life. But then, I decided to go on a hair treatment again. And then, wasn't able to maintain it. So my hair once again is frizzy and dry. (ugh) BUT, but, but, I will never cut it as short as before. Pramis! I kinda look better with a long hair so, buh-bye short hair and hello long hair! Even though my hair is kinda unhealthy, I would still keep it hanging long. Pero kanina, my mom just told me that I will have my hair trimmed. sshhheeessh! I was shocked. (uy! friends kami ni mama today. We did not fight and our conversations lasted more than 15 mins. sweet! ^_^) I was thinking not to cut it this week since I would be attending 2 debuts and I want to have a curly style on both events. The curls will have a beautiful effect if one has a long hair. I wanted to cut my hair pang shoulder level, but only after the debuts. But since, I was so tempted by my mother's offer (She offers once in a blue moon!), I trimmed my hair and instructed the parlorista to cut it only about 2 inches. But as what I can see, he cut it more than 2 inches almost reaching my shoulder! (huhu. my hair. my long frizzy hair.) *sigh* but it's awkey.. hairs will grow anyway. so here's my photo. The long hair before and the short hair now. :)

and oh! oh! aside from the hair-cut offer, my mom told me that I should get my toes treated. The pedicure thing. (is that how you call it?) So I did not hesitate. I seized the moment instantly! haha. (gosh, what has really got in to the mind of my mother?? she's really in a good mood! haha) But mind you, it was painful!!! The manicurista was pushing her pusher too hard! (yawch!!) I just endured the pain. excruciating pain! really ouch.

But you know what? I was kinda hesitant to put my foot right before the person for her to work on. I mean, I felt ashamed to have asked someone older than me, sit a few inches lower, and touch my dirty, eewww feet, and just sit there and wait for my toes to be colored and cleaned. But I just couldn't stand and tell my mom, "ma, dili nako kaya makita mag-in.ana xa." That would be DUH! So instead, I shifted my mind to other stuffs. (like, my short hair. :c) Hmmmm... I would rather do the JOB. But then I thought, if I wont let her do it, she won't earn from the money my mom will pay. Uuuughhhh... me and my weird feelings again. haaaayyyyzzz... kasi naman, bakit pa kailanganng magsunog ng kilay para lamang mabuhay. Unfair nga naman talaga ang world noh. *sigh*

And, out of boredom, I created this. It's not one of my best works. I really don't know how to design things with an instant. I need to have time and have to plan out the design to come up with something that's nice and good. I just made the design the moment I opened photoshop CS and touched the mouse. My main theme here is summer. So I just crammed all the thoughts that would pop out of my head. The back drop is a scene taken last summer in Cebu. SUMMER NA!!! TARA NAH! SWIMMING TAYO! ^_^ (I had a quick dip when our block went to mangima. bleh! :P)

haaayzzz buhay naman nga oh!!!

2007-03-23T21:11:00.000+08:00

haaaaaayyzzz!!! finally, school is in hault. yes, in hault coz we have summer class. (sigh) errr.. i think we're the only college having summer class as a regular schedule. (masterals is an exemption) tisk. nursing is heavy. really heavy. so many units!!! right now,
i'm thinking about shifting. Shift to a course where my heart could freely speak, my spirtit could freely leap. I'm tired of weaving my own dreams for someone else to appreciate. I may be able to weave that dream nicely but I wouldn't be proud to accept it as my work. I want to follow the voice that calls with in. Dance to the silent song it sings. I hope to find my place... that oneday too, I will believe that all things have their place. When one's heart is captured by something (or someone), it will be quite hard to accept something new. And it is at these moments that I struggle to accept things not because I want to. But because I have to, for the sake of not disrespecting the ones for whom I continue to weave "that dream."

Well anyway, Block NB (our block) had an outing last march 21-22, 2007. It was an over night event held at cawayanon and mangima. It was fun, yeah. But not really the best outing. In fact, I may not remember the activities we had 10 years from now. I did enjoy a little. Especially during the amazing race. But over all, I find it rather not fun.

After what happened weeks before, I decided not to join. But then, I told myself I would be very selfish if I don't give it a try to extend my arms and reopen it once again. I convinced myself to erase in my mind whatever happened and start a new beginning. I told HIM I will give it a shot. But I just coudn't do it. I don't know but I just can't. I gave it a try, but I failed. Maybe because there are a few of them who made me feel uncomfortable, awkward and misplaced. I feel their doubts, their "i don't like her" hidden manners, their spying eyes, their pretentious games, their fake smiles, their "napipilitan" gestures, their "as if" unaware yet intentionally unaware. I see it all, but I pretend not to feel it. It's my way of easing the "pressure". Well, I guess I just have to live my life. Go on, move on, LIVE!

Since the break, all I did were surf the net, watch tv/dvd, edit photos, make videos for debuts, chat. Hmmmm... quite a long list. :P plus, include there, reading since next next week I will make a little sacrifice for the lent-----no computer (ghad! i could spend 7 hours straight!). So, the lingaw would be cut off since most of the activities are computer related. eeeekk!! (i hope i make it)

I want to post something sensible soon. And I decided to make my blog more presentable and ncie. Uhm, perhaps in every post, there will be a photo or photos. Then, I will change my template. (ugh, this one's getting old) and hmmm... ambot. sense less post. :D

(if you happen to read this and you are one of my blockmates, I am sorry but I own this blog. I have the right to express my thoughts, feelings and emotions here. I do not intend to hurt you or create another issue. I have become such an issue and you are all an issue in my life. I just want to express what I hide from all of you. You think I don't notice it? I do. And I do get hurt that's why you often find me silent, sitting at one corner coz' I choose to silence myself rather than wear a mask and present myself before all of you. But don't worry, I do not inted to address this to all of you. I have some good friends in our block. I just would want to target some. Just some)

PE night performance

2007-03-11T20:58:00.000+08:00

this is our Egyptian dance performance during the PE night. We won! weeee!! :P

full moon

2007-03-04T20:43:00.000+08:00

it's nice to gaze up the sky and witness the mesmerizing glow of a full moon. i love full moon. =)

full moon, march 4, 2007.

it's ok

2007-03-04T12:48:00.002+08:00

kuya bobot: what makes you happy?

meily: my friends. their company, their laughters, their smiles, their cheers, our bloopers, their plain self make me happy.

kuya bobot: awh... so you draw your happiness from friends?

meily: yes

I was intervied last friday for the KKP volunteer program. I joined coz' i miss serving people, i miss having a "purpose" in school. I hope to continue the training and experience. It's not always that I get these chances in life. I want to start a new beginning.

************

My friends are my precious treasures in life. I won't feel this happy without them. I can't deny it, my heart belongs to my constant companions in school, during lunch breaks (espcially saturdays) and out of school activities: kathleen, ed, vicky, cese, ray, maki, gellie, ernie. My world begins to tumble with joy as rays of life from the breeze of winds of their hearts whisper through my soul. The thought of them makes my spirit leap through a vast empty land of loneliness and land on a home-like place of paradise. They bring out the real me. I just love it when I am with them. I get to feel the oozing mood of friendship while sharing laughters, smiles, care and of course, love.

they are my friends. and i love them.

THANK YOU GOD, FOR LETTING ME SHARE MY LIFE WITH THEM and FOR ALLOWING THEM TO SHARE THEIR LIFE WITH ME.

but. there's always a but in every situation. I've become too neglective of my blockmates. I don't understand why I can't seem to blend with the world of my blockmates. They are just entirely different bunch of people. GAAAHHH!!! I could identify one reason. Their always (and i think forever) topic of the day is LOVE. Love, the eros love. errrr.. it's alright to talk about love (i don't even think it's love, crush is much more appropriate to use) once in a while, ONCE IN A WHILE. But talking about it every now and then... ghad, IT ANNOYS ME! I accept, I am not entirely into falling in love or crushes for that matter. I prefer dealing with "some other important matters." But this whole "love/crush gap" thing between us separates me from them, excludes me from the group. I can't relate with them, that's true. But I don't have any plans to relate with them either. I don't want to change my ways just to cope up . I don't want to appear foolish pretending that I belong to the group. I don't want to wear a mask when I am with them. I don't enjoy their company, and they don't enjoy mine. I think it's just fair. I've grown tired and frustrated of trying... and it's final, I accept it, I am different.

But this difference is what links me to my friends. They are much more important to me than some other group whom I try to fit in. But it's ok. I'm OK with it.