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When Friendship breaks apart

27 January, 2011

I know this blog has just played its role as a emotional trash bin when I get so fed up with life and just couldn't take it any longer... and once again, here I am unloading the emotional baggage I carry inside.

In just two days, I realized something truthful about life in general. There are true unconditional friends and there are selfish conditional ones. I just found out that one of the dear friends I considered was the selfish one.

It was the week of one of my other friend's birthday that this selfish-was-a-friend-of-mine person started to act weird. The group agreed to give the birthday girl a surprise... apparently this other person started to post some emotional rants in facebook... thoughts like how could one plan something that has not been done to her and things like that. I ignored this idea thinking that she wouldn't be that shallow to have a heavy heart over not having a surprise birthday gift for her on her birthday... then 2 weeks passed hoping that things would heal and that she'd come back to her senses, she blows this " I wouldn't care anymore cause I know you guys won't listen. haha"... and this came out of nowhere! we could not even identify as to why she would post something like this? I was even calm as to offering her a venue to tell us why the sudden post and why the sudden rants in Facebook status. I know for myself I tried to reach out to her, hoping that shed give us the slightest explanation of the root cause of all these "kasuko" she has towards us...

It breaks my heart with her words saying just consider it as if I am far away na dugay pako mubalik or never na jud sa inyo.. It angers me so much as to why she couldn't give us a logical and precise reason why and not the cliches she's been telling us. We are already what? 20?21? and here she is... acting like a highschool student refusing to offer any form of explanation or facing us for that matter. It hurts so much how a person you consider a good friend can walk away just like that because of some reasons she does not want to reveal! who's being unfair now? i know that this experience is oh so overwhelming to all of us barkadas and the emotions are just raging in extremities but to me, my heart bleeds more to the person who started these all. A simple text telling us that she needs a friend or a wall post or even a call for a dinner just to catch up was all she needed to do and these things wouldn't have had to happen.

To you: How could you just trash us like dresses you have out grown? We were true to you, I for one considered you as one of my closest among the group... but you broke my heart into pieces for acting so selfish and inconsiderate.

**************

and here's this other thing too.... I just feel so frustrated over this Manila trip with my kkp friends... We booked a flight to Manila as early as June because we availed of the 1pesos fair promo CebuPac had and here they are... busy with work and other things AND THEY ALL CAN'T Go! Arrrggghhh.. I just wish the group I booked this flight were my cousins... Samuk jud kaayo. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it! I have been longing for this trip and been day dreaming for the happy memories we as a group could make, but ugh! FRUSTRATING.

Blogged @ 7:34 PM
Don't let me go -

EPIC

18 December, 2010

It's Christmas season but this year's a bit different from the rest. Usually, I get myself so giggly and excited as soon as "-ber" months come... Oh yes, and I always make it a point to greet everyone on my list "Merry Christmas" as early as September 1. (yes, I am that excited. :D)

But this year, I held my greetings a bit later coz of my upcoming NLE. And guess what, its gonna be tomorrow!!! OMG. haha. :D (which means, I shall be greeting people after NLE. haha)

I painstakingly prepared for this exam and though I fell short quite a few times during our review, I still consider myself to have taken this seriously. I wanted to measure how far I could go when I put myself, my spirit and energy into something I want to happen, and tomorrow will be the ultimate judgement day of my labor and patience.

I know I have doubted my abilities quite a lot of times... yes, I cannot say I am the best. There will always be someone better than me, but I can also be better than him/her in other fields... but no matter what, I know I can bring out the best in me if I believe in myself and the Almighty God's bountiful grace to grant me something I have labored for long... The journey is both a discipline in spirit, mind and body... The whole process is like a journey towards becoming one with my dream with God as my counselor, listener, spirit-up-lifter, and of course a Father. He bestowed me with limitless opportunities to dream of, visions I wanted to see myself achieving and reminded me that efforts do pay... I love my dear God for he brought me this far and for the many times I tell Him, "Lord, thank you for bringing me this far."

Tomorrow will be the day my skills and knowledge towards taking the exam will be tested. I am not afraid for I know God has granted me the grace of Passing the Board exam and perhaps even Topping it. I know that He knows what I want and what I deserve to have... I know he witnessed a lot of changes in me, a lot of sacrifices, a lot of discipline... but above all these, I know that He knows, I wanted Him to become a part of my journey, to be with me, to join me in this battle.

I also give my utmost appreciation to my dear SLRC family... to the lecturers, rationalizers and staff... They are indeed fulfilling their roles towards making someone else's dream come true.. In this family, I started to dream big. In this place, I saw the limitless horizon of dreaming and believing. And I know they have labored a lot in preparing us for this December 19-20 NLE exam, and what a great reward it will be for them to see us, waving and thanking them. I will not wasted their efforts. I will not take whatever they have taught us for granted for I know, I know very well these will be my armor in this battle of Passing and Topping the Board exam.

I am not the best, but I know I can leap farther than where I landed before because now I learned about my mistakes, and because now, I am ready. I will pass and Top this exam and I can't wait to receive my license and certificate this coming February.

Thank you lord for bring me to SLRC, thank you lord, continually being with me. I love you!

Blogged @ 7:08 AM
Don't let me go -

Thank you

09 July, 2010

March 30, 2010-July 9, 2010.

From the 30th of April till the 6th of July, I have spent my dear hazy mornings and drowsy afternoons with this very loving fellow. It is such a treat as we play together. No words were spoken, just actions the seems to gap the differences in communicating. Laughing, teasing, running, tickling, hugging and of course, eating together are some of the many activities we do. We speak no language but only the unknown connection that exist between a man and man's best friend creates the whole magic I call love.

It is rather funny as you may read this that I have spoken about love towards a canine. It's okay to laugh for now but let me have a few minutes to let you know my story with this fellow.

Jaki, as we call her/it has been our pet for for four months now. She was still cute and cuddly (and still is) like a fur ball when she arrived at our place with eyes that reflect a rather scared and lonely pup. I remember very well that I was so eager to meet her/it when my sister texted me that a new puppy is already home. I found the lil pup lurking under my sister's bedroom and I could feel then that she/it was a bit terrified to see me. I crawled down to make myself appear small so she/it would be less scared and true it was. Slowly, she/it walked out of the bed and sniffed me so gently as if inspecting any form of danger and I guess once she/it learned I was of no danger, she/it slowly crawled unto my lap. That was then the start of the magic.

Every morning after I wake up, I always hurriedly go out of the house to have a nice good morning greeting with jaki. My parents also do this as they wake up and have a smooth hot coffee drink in the morning and shares whatever food they have (and yes, even the coffee). My sister also has her own routine with her/it. Before she goes out of the house, she bids farewell to our lil jaki and as soon as she arrives home, even without bath, she would confidently hug and kiss lil jaki. My mother also loves to tease jaki with the broom. They would play like kids as jaki tries to bite the broom and my mom wisps the broom tagging along jaki with her/it's jaw locked unto the broom. My father also loves to play catch with her/it using her/it's chew bone or ball. I know, jaki is thrilled as each and every being in the house would express love to her/it. I am too, for through jaki, I felt there was something common in our family. Every meal times, we would share funny stories of jaki doing crazy things like hiding one pair of slippers, jumping off a chair (jaki's afraid of heights), barking at chicken, looking confused when seeing a cat, barking continuously at poor defenseless frog and many more. You see, we never did this as a family. It is not because we lack communication but because for the many years, we had nothing in common to share with. Jaki became the common. We all loved jaki and the mere presence of it connected us four. The communication even went on beyond talking about jaki. Slowly, we all felt comfortable sharing things that happened to us for the day. Jaki bridged the gap we, as a family, had. Jaki brought out love too in my family. We all started to care about each other in as much as we care for her/it. We started to express affection towards others in as much as we express affection towards her/it. Jaki awakened the dormant love we had as a family. Jaki was love.

But I guess, she/it served it's purpose very well already. In as much as she brought love, I also think she/it felt love too. My family never welcomed a new pup as much as they did with jaki. They never cared for an animal this much as they did with jaki. They never talked so much about a puppy this much as they did with jaki and they've been so happy to have a puppy this much as they did with jaki. For me, this was Magic.

Just this morning, jaki died because of a disease I know nothing of. I would, with all might, save her if only I had any idea what I was about to do. But it was jaki's time to go... She lay down gently in front of the door where we could all see her waiting for each of us too see her for the last time before she took her last breath.

Jaki, i promise, you will always be remembered.

Blogged @ 12:52 PM
Don't let me go -

I changed my mind

24 May, 2010

I changed my mind, I do love him. ♥

Blogged @ 12:30 PM
Don't let me go -

The Glow that Glisens

22 May, 2010

Let me break the news as I tell you I am already committed. Yes, I am. Surprised huh? Who isn't? I am even. :D

I skip for the now the story of the hows and whens.. in time, I'll come to that. What just tickles me to blog this certain event in my life is the uncertainty I have found myself into. I always tell him, "it wasn't me who decided to make things happen. It just did and it wasn't as if I really thought hard on this." If I were in his shoes, I would take it as something as "you were forced to decide because the world and things around you are already in place and your decision is just what it takes to settle things"

I don't know if I should be telling this, nor should I immortalize this unfavorable emotion of doubt. But I would want to expel these unreasonable reasons of fear and "ungratefulness" to this blog entry.

Suddenly I feel scared of my decision.. knowing our situation, I fear I would bring harm instead of love to this fragile being. I fear a lot of things that might come our way... I fear the uncertainty and inconsistency now that I am with another being who has a mind and function of its own. It pains me to think that I never really felt the "want" or "desire" to love this being... but instead learned it through his alluring perseverance. I just felt I was unfair, that I had to somehow pay him back by trying to love him.

But I am not telling you I do not love him, nor am I telling you I love him. All I know is I am trying my best to show him love, to express my love. I don't know if it makes sense that a person could show love to the one to whom he/she doesn't have the "loving intent."

Is this wrong? is this being unfair to him? to me? I don't know. All I know is I have allowed myself to enter into this kind of world and I fear the uncertainty of things... all the more, I fear to bring harm knowing how stone hearted I am. :c

But what else can I ask for? He was right there for me when I needed someone to ease my pain. He was right there when I had no one else to talk to... he was there willing to listen and feel my pain. He was right there even if I threw him out of my life... he was still there when I closed my doors and turned my back on him. Above all, through the pain and sorrow... no matter how hurtful the words I spoke, he welcomed me back without hesitation or doubt. Now tell me, does this man deserve another pain? another stabbing words from me? I can't afford to do him harm no more.

But instead of being brave to show him my love, I get scared instead: scared of what I might do to him when the moment comes when I no longer have the "love". At this moment, I really want to back out while things are just as young as a week, when the commitment is still fragile and weak. But no, I can't do this too.. not now, not when he has his hopes up and his love so engulfed.

What really keeps me going is his love for me... I draw my love from his love. Sadly, my love isn't self sustaining really. :c And when the moment comes when his fire burns out, there'd be no more spark left in me too.

Blogged @ 5:05 PM
Don't let me go -

Thanksgiving!

06 May, 2010

"£i£sis, use your love to spread your mission." -fr.xrysz

4 years ago, I promised my ku¥a to be part of his thanksgiving mass as the first reader. He was still a regent by the time I made that promise. At some point, I did believe that he will make it. I felt the outburst of spirit he had to continue his mission in following Christ and the feeling failed me not. Seeing him presiding that mass and hearing his voice actually saying "Through Him, with Him and in Him..." for which I correlated the very lines to priesthood gave a sudden gush of joy and excitement in me. I felt very proud and honored to have shared not only a year in his presence but the journey he went through and how he brought love and fire from every individual he encountered.

I wondered many years ago whether anybody else felt special in his presence ... then during his homily, he said someone asked him how did he do it? because that someone also felt special in his presence and she discovered her friends also felt the same. Which means, I am not the only one. Which also means, I am not the only heart and soul that he moved. I just wonder how many hearts and souls he has changed or inspired as he passed by in their lives. Does he ever realize it? He must really be one heck of a priest to make countless individuals feel special in his presence. No ordinary man could ever do this.

All I know is that "specialness" we felt came from a beautiful act of love. The friendship he shared was pure, honest and sincere. The act of kindness he radiated to each and every one came out naturally from him, as if he was made to do it. The passion and dedication he held in fulfilling his mission and even in projects he wanted to achieve was as feisty as a baby eager to walk! I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this way...

And so to the love he was talking to me... My dearest ku¥a, you showed me how. I know it was there but you made it stronger. You nurtured it even without you knowing simply because you were exuding the very model of it. This love I have now will surely be my guide to find and spread my mission. Thank you, ku¥a!

P.S. I'm sorry I failed my promise to be the first reader, but I did dance on your thanksgiving. I hope it compensates. :D

Blogged @ 10:43 PM
Don't let me go -

Who weighs the most

22 April, 2010

3 days of retreat served me well. The spiritual journey I went through was an overwhelming experience. I felt the extremes of each feeling... may it be happiness, sadness, sorrow and grief.

It wasn't like any other retreats I had before, it was a silent retreat and spending atmost 15 hours a day praying and talking to my God was enriching experience. I felt shameful right before God as I recalled all my sins, my earthly desires my greed for glory and honor. It was a shame I never felt before... immense shamefulness, that somehow resorted to self pity and self desolation. I considered myself dirty, unworthy of God's love - a sinner.

But our spiritual director taught us one thing. Sin is part of our humanity. If not for our sins, we would have not experienced the great Love our God has to offer for He sent His only Son, Jesus Christ, to come and live as a human, and die because of our sinfulness to save us all. Sin should not be a reason for us to move away from God... being ashamed and unworthy, these are not excuses for us not to face God. These feelings are not reasonable, they are actually pride. Pride for our own sinfulness and humanity that we do not accept God's healing and God's forgiveness.

As for me, I accept my sinfulness. I accept I am human and committing sin is part of my experience. I have, by no means, no right to move away from God and condemn myself or others for their sinfulness... I have no right to put verdict but only God, with his unwavering Love for His creation.

I trust and believe God has forgiven me... I spent 3 days of my life repenting on my sinfulness and asking God another chance to relive His mission, His love and His mercy. I too should forgive myself, that I have to let go of those scrupulous guilt and shame, that I have to embrace the world once again, for God has given me another life to live.

God's love weighs more than my own desire, my own wickedness, my own sinfulness. And weighs more than anyone and anything in this world. I cannot afford to hurt God no more, and I am ready to let go of all other things that will hinder me to praise, serve and honor God, the Almighty.

Amen.

Blogged @ 8:49 AM
Don't let me go -

Something I turned out to be

17 April, 2010

This is by far the worst thing that I did in my life. :c

How could I be so irrational, how could I be so dumbed to have allowed this event to happen? I have controlled myself very well for the past events and how could I have slipped with just a little instance? I feel like a freak, a beast for what has happened. I never imagined myself doing the act, never in my wildest dreams, but I did. :c

how could you? I trusted you, I gave you my trust. I gave you my respect and I gave you things I never imagined I could give to someone. How could you have taken all these gifts for granted? How?! You opened my life in this kind of possibility and I embraced it with respect. I granted your wishes and sometimes fantasy coz you mattered to me. But then again, you abused it. You took so much and left me nothing, you abused my generosity and here we are crying over our actions. I don't deserve this. I don't really think I do. I have told you over and over again and I warned you what might come our way... but you never listened. You let my words slip your mind and become so selfish to entertain you thoughts and interest instead.

I hate you. I hate myself too. I hate ourselves for what we have done... I hate what's going on in my mind. I hate the totality of it.

To my dismay, you are just like all others of your kind. You are Sin and I'm a sinner too. T_T

Blogged @ 1:10 PM
Don't let me go -